


Desire

by Rookblonkorules



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: (briefly and from the aggressor), Angst, Blood, But It Still Happened, Character Death is Only Mentioned, Dark, Dubious Morality, Eventual Redemption, F/M, Female Friendship, Forgiveness, Gen, Hurt Winry Rockbell, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Moral Dilemmas, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Consensual Kissing, Obsessive Love Disorder, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Parental Royai, Parental Sig Curtis, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Edward Elric, Psychological Disorder, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, Victim Blaming, Violence, Winry Rockbell Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 39,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21585367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rookblonkorules/pseuds/Rookblonkorules
Summary: He was supposed to be hers. In which Ed loves Winry and Noah slowly goes insane. A story about obsession, unrequited love, forgiveness and eventual redemption. Possible sequel to Unrequited.  AU. Brotherhood/CoS mix. Dark fic. Edwin. Almei. One-sided EdNoah. Response to a challenge with Purplehood/Aemileth.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric & Noah, Edward Elric & Noah, Edward Elric & Roy Mustang, Edward Elric & Sig Curtis, Edward Elric/Noah (onesided), Edward Elric/Winry Rockbell, Mei Chan | May Chang & Edward Elric, Mei Chan | May Chang & Noah, Mei Chan | May Chang & Winry Rockbell, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric, Riza Hawkeye & Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye & Winry Rockbell, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang, Winry Rockbell & Alphonse Elric, Winry Rockbell & Noah
Comments: 54
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a result of a challenge fic with Purplehood, in which we were to write a darker version of a canonical character. This is my response. It will be several chapters long at least and it... might get a little dark before the end. At this point, I don't know what warnings to include. There will likely be violence and blood later on, but those warnings will be posted at the top of the chapter and added to the tags once they apply.  
> Current warning consists solely of a slightly unreliable, eventually unstable narrator.  
> "The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves." William Penn.

She lets the brush drop from her fingers and pulls her hair back behind her head. It’s a look she’d never entertained for herself back home on earth, electing instead to wear her hair modestly down with only a few braids to adorn it.

But now that her home has changed, perhaps she should as well.

She’d brushed her dark hair until it shone and she colors slightly, regarding herself in the mirror. Vanity was not a luxury she often indulged in, but she can’t help but notice how becoming the new look is.

Suddenly ashamed by these new thoughts, she lets her hair go and it drops softly to her shoulders.

Winry wears her hair up, she notes. 

Noah doesn’t actually think she’s ever seen Winry with her hair down.

She looks in the mirror one last time, heart aching, and lets her hair fall down to her shoulders. 

She won’t touch it today.

…………… 

The next day, she gathers her courage and puts it up. She’s never had any practice before beyond her braids, but it looks decent to her so she doesn’t try to change it. 

She runs her fingers through her hair and tries to give it some flare. 

_ There. _

Noah swallows painfully. 

_ Maybe, _ she thinks.  _ Maybe. _

_ …………  _

Noah forces herself to go down the stairs, step by painful step. 

There’s a churning in her gut and a throbbing in her heart and it’s not hard to admit to herself that she’s terrified.

She understands what she wants- what’s she’s hoping for- and it scares her.

She wants Ed to notice her.

Is that too much to ask? she wonders. 

After everything… so many people have looked down on her, like she was trash beneath their feet. 

Hasn’t she been through enough? 

Noah wrings her hands at the bottom of the staircase and almost turns to flee back up the staircase. 

What is she thinking anyways?

That one look at her and he’ll take her back? Forget about the girl he’s tried for two years to come back to?

She slumps back against the wall and nibbles her bottom lip.

Her heart is racing and she shuts her eyes, wishing she could stop up her ears to the roaring of blood in her head.

Noah briefly allows herself to fantasize what it might be like. Ed will look up- he’ll see her and, for just a second- just for one magical second- she’ll be  _ all _ he sees.

She’ll take his breath away, so completely that he’ll forget about anyone else in the world. 

He’ll forget about Winry.

Noah swallows thickly and ignores the way her bottom lip trembles with emotion.

Is it so wrong of her to want that?

All her life, she’s been stepped on and abused- can’t she just have this? The one man who never looked at her like she was dirt beneath his feet?

She takes a breath and she steps out.

………… 

It’s not Ed who notices her first.

It’s Winry.

Ed isn’t even present when she walks down the stairs. Later on, she learns that he’s out of town, purchasing supplies he’ll need to help repair the Rockbell home.

Noah freezes, mouth dry. For an irrational moment, she’s afraid Winry will know what it is she’s come to do. What fantasy she had embarrassingly been entertaining only moments before.

But the other woman only smiles at her.

“Did you want help with your hair?” she asks.

Noah fights the urge to raise a hand to her hair, blood warming her cheeks. She’d tried so hard- had she done something wrong?

“It doesn’t look bad,” Winry assures her, as if  _ she  _ were the one with the power to read minds and hearts. 

Noah frowns and chews her bottom lip.

Her hands lift, like she wants to bring them to Noah’s hair, but she stops. Looking almost uncertain, she chews her bottom lip. “But… I could show you some tips?”

Noah glances over Winry’s shoulder into the room. 

No one is there.

_ Ed _ isn’t there.

She has nothing better to do. 

“Great.” Winry smiles, relieved, and Noah wonders distantly what Winry has to be relieved about. 

Then she takes Noah by the arm- Noah notices that she only touches her sleeve, not her bare skin, and the thought is enough to fill her with resentment all over again. 

Together, they go back up the stairs. Neither of them says a word. 

………… 

Winry is gone when she next encounters Ed. He’s at the kitchen table, bent low over some papers. His long hair is tied back, flicked casually back over his shoulder. His flesh knee is bouncing up and down in a steady, rapid-fire rhythm. He doesn’t even seem to notice.

He’s not aware of her when she first enters the room. It’s not until she’s almost at his side that he looks up but it’s only with disinterest. 

“Oh,” he says, looking back down after a passing glance. “Hey. Haven’t had much time to see you. Sorry. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she lies and if her voice comes out strained to her own ears, who could tell? 

Ed doesn’t answer and she reaches for his arm. He pulls away the moment her fingers brush his skin- not enough contact for her to read anything. 

She steps back and tries to ignore how much that hurt.

Ed looks at her- something like regret in his expression- but he doesn’t apologize and he certainly doesn’t reach out to touch her back. With a sigh, he looks away.

“What are you doing?” she asks him. 

“It’s an array.” He looks down at the sheet of paper and turns it over with a lazy flick of his wrist. Something about his action seems forced, however. Like he’s acting as though he cares less than he actually does. “I know I can no longer do alchemy, but… I just wanted to see.” But he doesn’t tell her what it was he wanted to see. Instead, he crumples the paper up in his fist- an action that brings a small gasp to Noah’s lips. 

Maybe he looks at her then, but Noah can’t tell. Her eyes are glued to the paper still visible between his fingers.

Then, in an action that belies the seeming indifference from before, he carefully smooths it out, folds it up and slips it in his pocket. 

“Teach me,” she blurts before she can think better of it. 

“What?” Ed stares at her, completely baffled. 

Noah colors when the full extent of her sudden change in topic hits her, but full-on determination grabs ahold of her and she pushes on.

“Teach me alchemy,” she elaborates for him, even though she’s sure he can probably guess what exactly she was asking of him. Just as she’s aware of how mortifyingly desperate she sounds. “Please. I… I can help if you’d just give me a chance.” 

“By learning alchemy?” He may not have scoffed at her but his words hurt her just as deeply as if he had. Ed shakes his head wearily. “There are other ways to make yourself useful, Noah.”

Then he’s gone, out the door, leaving Noah standing there alone. 

It feels as though her heart has been shattered and left in frozen pieces on the ground.

Slowly, she stoops to pick them up, one by one, but there’s no fitting them back together.

Noah stands, holding them in her hands. 

Ed never once looked back at her.

………

They get a visitor the next day- a man. He’s big, bigger than any man Noah has ever seen before in her life and she is instantly afraid of him.

In her world, the big men she’s encountered are bullies. 

He enters without a knock to announce his presence, moving with a kind of stealth that belies his large presence.

Noah flies up from her seat at the table, a frightened cry on her lips. Automatically, she darts around her chair, putting it between her and the giant. It will do nothing to protect her. She knows this with perfect clarity. But in her terror, she needs something- _ something- _ to make her feel safer. 

The cry draws Edward from the kitchen. 

“Noah, what…?”

He stops short when he sees the intruder. 

Noah takes a step in his direction.

“He…” She reaches out with a shaky hand.

He doesn’t love her. Won’t love her. Not in the way that she wants, that she  _ needs, _ to be loved. But he will protect her.

Even if not for her sake, then for Winry’s.

But Ed doesn’t react the way she expected. 

“Sig?”

Edward’s voice is raw with disbelief. His face is bloodless, eyes wide.

He looks like he’s just seen a ghost. 

“Hello, Edward.” A sad smile paints itself across the man- Sig’s-bearded face.

Ed looks past him, looking for someone who never walks in the door.   
“Teacher?” he asks. There’s something in his voice that makes him sound a lot younger than he is. Something desperate and lost. Something that already knows the answer to the question left unasked. 

“I’m sorry, Edward.” There’s real pain on the big man’s face, in his voice. “Her illness took a turn for the worse.”

………… 

Ed disappears from the room shortly after that.

Noah casts a look at the big man who still stands in the same spot. It doesn’t take a psychic to see that this woman he and Ed spoke of was his center. Without her in his life, he’s having trouble keeping himself grounded. 

Still, she isn’t comfortable in the same room as him.

“I-I’m sorry about your loss,” she stammers out, before she flees the room.

She stops just across the threshold, pressing her back against the wall. Why did she do that? She curses her cowardice and then moves away. Even aware of her own shortcomings, she can’t find a way to change them. 

_ Ed. _

She needs to find Ed. A little flutter of hopefulness awakens in her heart. She can comfort him. She’ll be close to him. 

Ashamed, she pushes those feelings away.

Noah does find Ed. 

Collapsed on the floor, his head in Winry’s lap. She strokes his hair and Noah sees her lips moving as she murmurs consolations into his ear. 

Whatever she’s saying, it remains private.

Noah swallows painfully and turns away.

………

The window is open. The wind carries the hoot of an owl into her bedroom. 

A shiver curls its way up Noah’s spine.

It’s ominous. 

Noah wraps her arms more tightly around herself, staring at the wall. 

The moon shines through the gap in her curtains. It paints the perfect picture of tranquility on the wall opposite. 

It should be peaceful, but her thoughts are anything but.

Abruptly, she sits up straight, kicking the covers away and sliding her legs over the side of the bed. 

She can’t sleep and she can’t stay here in this stifling room either. 

She needs to move and there’s a tug on her heart, telling her exactly where to go. 

Noah steps quietly. In her bare feet on the wooden floorboards, it isn’t hard to do. And Noah is plenty used to the need to move soundlessly. 

A stair creaks under her weight as she makes her way down the stairs.

Noah freezes, holding her breath, until she’s certain that nothing in the house has stirred. The hour seems to amplify every sound, till even the rustle of her nightgown’s skirt seems a racket fit to awaken the dead.

She can breathe again and she slips silently down the rest of the stairs.

There, she finds him. 

Edward had sacrificed what would have been his room for her. 

He’s sleeping now on the couch, one arm draped over the side, his fingers brushing the floor. The sheet is bunched into a ball at his feet. 

Noah approaches slowly. Dropping to her knees before the couch, she regards him in silence.

“I would have loved you,” she whispers.

Ed doesn’t stir, save the heavy rise and fall of his chest. There’s no danger in revealing her heart here and now. 

“We could have been happy.”

She traces patterns on the floor with her fingers, averting her eyes.

“Would it really have been so hard for you to love me back?”

Her bottom lip trembles and she clenches her hands into fists. The nails dig painfully into the flesh of her palms. 

Tears slide down her cheeks.

There’s a soft moan from Ed. 

Noah flinches, afraid that he might wake up and catch her here. 

But Ed doesn’t wake up. 

Slowly, the tension in Noah’s shoulders bleed away and she studies him. 

The corner of his mouth twitches, lips dipping down. His eyebrows scrunch and another moan escapes his lips.

Noah holds her breath and reaches out to touch him. Just a hand across his brow. Her touch is gentle enough not to wake him. Her hand hovers a mere few inches from his flesh and she hesitates.

That love. The love he has for Winry. She wants to feel it.

Even if it’s unattainable for her. She just wants to know what it feels like to be loved. To be cherished. 

Is it so wrong of her to want that?

Noah doesn’t want to think so.

Without giving herself anymore time to think, she clutches at his much larger, broader hand, cradling it in both of hers. She rubs her thumbs over the worn knuckles. There’s so much history in his hands.

She can feel it. 

It hits her like a flood, a steady torrent of memories, of  _ feelings.  _ It’s always like this. And each time she has to sort through them, until she finds what she’s looking for.

Those times in Ed’s room, the times she had slipped in unbidden and unnoticed, the times she had touched his face, run her hands through his hair- those times she had been seeking for glimpses of his home. That forbidden paradise she longed so deeply for. The place where she could finally  _ belong. _

This place.

Now she’s looking for something else. Everything hits her too quickly, much too quickly for her to absorb. 

She has to consciously will herself to slow them down, to find what she’s looking for. 

She closes her eyes and  _ concentrates. _

It washes over her like a stream. Its warmth soaks into every fiber of her being. 

Laughter. Children laughing. And a slender, brown-haired woman with a smile that rivaled the stars in its beauty. Hands that touched only to caress and love and never to harm. 

A girl whose golden hair shines like the sun, whose every step is a dance to her own beat, whose every breath only serves to make Ed’s heart beat faster.

And it… hurts. 

Noah’s hands drop to her side.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah deals with the guilt of what she's done. Ed and Winry have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone who's taken the time to review, leave kudos or even just read. I understand that Noah is not the most popular character in this fandom- a lot of people seem to hate her, I think, (myself almost included- I'm not fond of her, but I don't think I hate her) so the fact that anyone has taken the time to read this story means a lot to me.  
> I'd like to take this time to especially thank Purplehood for proofreading this chapter for me and assuring me that everything still made sense.

Noah can’t quite face what she’s done. She knows it was wrong. Violating in a way her stolen glimpses into his world hadn’t been. 

Yet when Winry dances into the kitchen, a light on her face that Noah doesn’t think was there before, she has to look away. There’s a burning sense of jealousy in her gut that mingles with, then overpowers, the shame.

She’s seen what she doesn’t have. What she  _ can’t  _ have.

More than that, she’s felt it. 

It burns her. 

Winry spins around, eyes lighting up. 

“Ed!”

Noah starts and turns around. She hadn’t even heard Ed come in and yet, somehow, Winry did. 

Ed looks like he hasn’t even fully woken up from sleep. Misplaced hairs stick out from his head, his braid hanging over his shoulder.

Now that Noah sees him in the light of morning, she realizes he hadn’t even changed to get ready for bed. 

He looks like the living dead, but he still manages to pull a smile out from somewhere.

“Hey,” Ed greets. He pulls a chair out and sits, close to Noah, but his eyes are on Winry.

She wonders if he even noticed her.

She sits back, pulling away from him without being too obvious about it. 

It shouldn’t be this way, but… after the night before, being close to him hurts. 

“Al called,” Winry says, a teasing smile on her lips.

“Really?” Ed’s head snaps up. One mention of his brother and he’s completely alert.

“He called from the station, Ed. He and Mei are at the border. They’re almost here. Just a few more days.” She leans against the counter and offers a small smile.

“They crossed the border?” Noah sees the way Ed’s smile falters. She knows nothing of this country or its geography and she finds herself leaning forward curiously. She forgets, for the moment, the awkwardness that seems to have arisen between them.

“Is there something wrong? At the border, I mean?” The question is out before she can contain it. 

“Yeah, there’s a desert.” Ed’s answer is immediate and grin. He doesn’t look at Noah at all. His eyes are fixed on Winry. His fists clenched, knuckles grinding against the table. “Is Al okay? His body…”

“He’s fine, Ed,” Winry says gently, reassuring. She walks around the counter and comes to stand behind him, fingers kneading his shoulders. “He needed some time to recover after you had disappeared, but…”

“But what, Winry?”

“He’s okay, Ed. He wouldn’t have called me from the station if he hadn’t been alright. He didn’t want me to wake you either. He’ll see you soon enough.”

“Damn idiot,” Ed grinds out. “He needs to start looking out for his own wellbeing. He can’t spend all his time worrying about me.”

Winry leans down, placing a gentle kiss just above his ear. “You did the same for him.”

Ed lowers his tone. “That was different. What happened to Al was on me.”

“That’s not the way Al sees it.”

Ed snorts and it’s a bitter, self-deprecating sound. “Doesn’t matter if Al sees it that way or not.”   
“Yes, it does,” Winry says firmly. “Don’t go down that road, Ed.”

Ed gets up silently and leaves the room. 

Winry watches him go, biting her bottom lip. There’s something like helplessness written on her face.

She doesn’t go after him and, soon enough, she turns away with what sounds like a regretful sigh.

Noah quietly excuses herself from the room.

“Noah.” Ed’s voice behind her brings a startled gasp to Noah’s lips and she spins around, soap suds still coating her hands.

“Sorry.” Ed flushes. He looks away, distinctly uncomfortable, then manages to meet Noah’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to scare you like that.”

“It’s fine,” Noah says breathlessly. She tries to ignore the way her heartbeat increases at his closeness. Why is he here? 

As if he has read her thoughts- but that isn’t right, Noah thinks to herself. That’s supposed to be  _ her _ gift- Ed says, “There’s someone looking for help on their farm and since you wanted work, I thought…” He trails off, uncertain. “It isn’t much, but at least it’s honest.”

Noah starts at that.  _ Honest.  _ What is that supposed to mean?

Ed starts to walk away. “If you’re interested, maybe you can check them out.”

“Ed, wait!” she calls after him, pushing herself away from the counter.

He pauses, but he doesn’t quite look her in the eye.

“Why won’t you look at me?” she demands. Her voice sounds desperate, even to her own ears. 

“You brought me back with you, you gave me a place to stay and now you won’t even look at me!”

Ed’s shoulders tense, but he otherwise doesn’t react.

Noah slumps back against the counter. When her next words come out as barely more than a whisper, she can’t help it.

“What have I done that’s so hateful to you that you can’t even look me in my eyes?”

His fist clenches down by his side and then he spins on his heel so that he’s facing her. 

Noah flinches, expecting to see an angry light reflected in his eyes, but instead, she sees only weariness. 

She looks away, ashamed. “The Thule Society didn’t give me a choice,” she says. Her betrayal before coming to Amestris still weighs heavy on her heart, but she’s right. She didn’t have a choice. 

“There’s always a choice, Noah.”

Noah can’t look at him. She averts her eyes, wrapping her arms protectively around herself. 

_ You haven’t lived my life, haven’t walked the same path. You can’t judge me.  _

“They promised me a place where I would belong,” she whispers. The judgement she can sense in Edward’s gaze kills her. More than anything, she just wants him to understand where she’s coming from. The why behind what she did. Make him see that what she did wasn’t as despicable as it is in his eyes. “You don’t know how hard it was…” She realizes how pathetic she sounds, only notices now that her shoulders are shaking, and she allows her voice to taper off. 

“Did they tell you what the price of your new home would be, Noah?” Ed asks. His voice is low. “How many lives your betrayal would cost? My  _ brother. _ He could have been one of those lives.”

The weight of it on her shoulders is staggering. Her fingers tighten against the countertop. She wants to speak, wants to defend herself, but all she makes is a strangled sound that works its way out her throat.

Ed turns away from her. “Enjoy your new home, Noah. I hope it was worth it.” 

Then he’s gone- gone and Noah slides to the floor.

He’s seen her. Seen right through her.

And he despises her for what he sees inside.

Thing is, with her transgressions laid bare like this, the excuses she’s tried to tell herself fall to pieces.

She had betrayed Edward. She had betrayed Amestris.  _ How many lives… My brother… _

She pulls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and feels herself break down.

Edward hates her.

So what does she have left?

Ed drums his fingers against his leg. Anything to keep the anxiety at bay. It’s been… years since he saw his brother last. Years since he saw Alphonse restored to his flesh body. At the time, he had been little more than a skeleton, muscles atrophied to the point that they were nearly nonexistent.

And he had-  _ shit, _ he had traveled all the way to Xing to find a way to help him, a way to bring him back, when what he really ought to be worried about was recovering himself. And now he was making that journey all over again.

No. He  _ had  _ made that journey all over again. In just a matter of days. What kind of toll would that have to have taken on his little brother?

Two years without his brother has taught him how to cope with his absence. He missed him, yes. There was never a day where it didn’t feel like he was missing pieces of his soul. 

But, more than anything, he had just been glad that Al and Winry  _ weren’t  _ there with him. That they were home and  _ safe. _

He thinks he could wait to see Alphonse if it meant his brother was safe. But- he leans forward so that his bangs hang down and threads his fingers through his hair- Winry had said that Al is already here.

_ At the station. _

He would have told her if there had been anything wrong. And Mei is with him. Ed would have had his doubts the first time he met the tiny girl, but he knows now that she would do anything to keep Alphonse safe.

He almost snorts.

That’s supposed to be his job. 

Is it wrong if he’s jealous of Mei in this case?

“Ed?” 

He can just make out Winry’s shoes through the gap in his bangs as she enters the room.

“Are you okay?”

He flaps a hand in her direction and doesn’t move.

“I’m fine.”

She sits beside him and drapes an arm across his shoulders in a way that tells him she doesn’t believe him for an instant. 

“You want to talk about it?”

“I’m an idiot.”

She says nothing and Ed gets the feeling he’s supposed to elaborate. 

He sighs. How is it that Winry always manages to see right through him? It’s not like he ever seems to be able to muster the willpower needed to deny her anything.

“Worrying about Al. He’s probably fine anyway.”

“I worried about you, Ed.” Her quiet confession startles him. “Does that make me an idiot?”

He almost can’t splutter his response out fast enough. “No! Of course not!”

“Then don’t tell yourself something as stupid as that!” She smacks the back of his head and Ed jerks up to glare at her.

“Ow!” His hand flies up to the offended portion of his skull. “Hey!”

Winry glares back just as ferociously. 

Ed’s the one who looks away first. “Okay, fine,” he says, still rubbing the back of his skull. 

He’s unprepared for the arms that slide around him, but he doesn’t protest- just shifts his position a little to enable himself to slip his own arm around her.

“I worried about you every day,” she tells him. “I didn’t know if you were safe or happy or… or alive. So don’t you dare worry about your brother and then tell me it makes you an idiot.”

Ed grimaces, feeling a twinge of guilt. At least he hasn’t made her cry this time.  _ But you did. She probably cried every day you were gone. _

“I’m sorry.”

A light punch to his arm is what he gets for his troubles this time. 

“Stop saying such stupid things! You have nothing to be sorry for.” Her face is buried against his arm. Her words are muffled in the fabric of his sleeve. 

Ed sighs again, letting himself lean back and simply enjoy Winry’s closeness. After two years apart, it’s a relief to feel…  _ this  _ again. Al is coming and Winry is here and it can all return to normal. 

Except… it’s not. Not really. 

Teacher-no, Izumi…  _ Izumi- _ is dead.  _ Dead. _ Ed knows she had been sick- had been since before he and Al met her, but… she was  _ herself. _ She was supposed to be too strong for death! She was supposed to be invincible. 

He fights back the strangled note of grief that rises in his throat, the burn that touches the back of his eyes. 

He can’t think like that. If he thinks like that… If he lets his grief out- if he lets that dam break- he knows he won’t be able to stop it back up for a very long time. 

Besides, there’s… something else he needs to worry about. 

“Winry.” He feels the need to seek her advice in this matter. He’s found that she- like Hawkeye- is rarely wrong in situations like these. “I...” He grunts with disgust at his inability to actually form the words that need to be said.

When did it become this hard to talk to Winry?

His righteous anger from before has faded. Now he’s left wondering if he handled it the right way.

“I may have snapped at Noah earlier. I’m worried I may have been too harsh.”

“Noah?” Winry sits up straight. Her brow is crinkled in confusion. “Why? What did she do?”

“It’s just… there are certain things that happened when we were in her world…” He cringes. If he wants Winry’s advice, then he needs to be more specific than that. 

She reaches out, tenderly cupping his chin and turning his face to hers. Automatically, he dips his head, touching his forehead to hers. 

“If you really think you were in the wrong,” she says, not taking her hand from his face. Ed appreciates that gesture, “then make it right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was originally meant to be told from Noah's perspective entirely, but then I decided that maybe it would be better if we got varying perspectives. Plus, writing Ed and Winry is just... so much fun. I can't help it sometimes. And, on a more serious note, I want to give Ed time to grieve for Izumi.  
> I've been trying really hard to make the timeline make sense, but I'm worried that there are things that might not line up. Just for clarification, there has been some time between the events of this story and the events of Unrequited. There are certain events that will be getting their own small story- Izumi's death being one of those events (I'm so sorry!) and perhaps what Al and Mei were up to in the time that Ed was missing.  
> Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... I don't think I can thank people enough. I've received quite a few thought-provoking comments from readers, as opposed to "Die, Noah!" and that's something that makes me so, so happy!

She doesn't have many belongings with her- neither one of them had expected making it here, so why would either of them have packed?

Noah is stuck with the clothes on her back and not much else.

And now, when she leaves, she won't even have a home.

The look she casts about her from her spot curled up on the kitchen floor is nothing short of longing. She had once thought that… that this- this kind of life, this kind of happiness- could be hers.

No longer.

She knows that this can never be hers.

And the worst part- or maybe the best part- is that it's entirely her fault.

Ed can't stand the sight of her.

And maybe- maybe he would have been willing to forget Winry for her.

Maybe he _can_ forget Winry for her.

The thought is as startling as it is frightening and it's enough to motivate her to get to her feet.

Noah braces herself against the counter and turns it over in her mind. Slowly, she turns one hand over and examines her palm.

Her hands are her gateway to people's hearts and minds.

But she wonders- could she make them forget as well?

Could Ed… forget Winry? Could she make him?

This thought terrifies her more than the first and she slams her palm against the counter.

Squeezing her eyes shut, trembling, she turns the faucet on and listens to the water run.

She tries to let it drown out the steady noise of her thoughts.

"Noah?"

For the second time that day, Ed's voice scares her.

Noah flinches violently, whipping around. Her back is pressed up hard against the counter.

She tries to ignore the way her heart beats so hard she thinks it might be trying to escape her ribcage, the way her cheeks flare up with the heat of humiliation.

Ed holds his hands up and apart, looking slightly alarmed.

"Sorry. I wasn't looking to startle you."

The hands are lowered to his side.

Noah sags with a sigh. Resignation that she can't quite comprehend overcomes her.

"Edward," she breathes. She pushes herself away from the counter. Her mouth feels dry. She isn't sure how to continue.

Why is he here? What could he possibly want from her?

She inhales, trying to reign in her thoughts.

 _I'm going,_ she says. Or rather, she tries to say. _There's nothing for me here. Not anymore. You were all there was for me here, Edward. I loved you. I_ love _you. Can't you see that?_

Never mind that she doesn't know where she'll go. Ed mentioned that help was wanted nearby. If she can find that, maybe she'll be well off.

If not, she had always been a wanderer. She could wander again.

Except, she can't. She can't. She can't. She _can't._ She knows she can't.

She can't bear to leave him.

"Is… something wrong?"

Gold eyes scrutinize her carefully with such an intensity that she wonders that they don't see right through her.

Noah shrinks back and doesn't think she can answer the question.

"Noah…?" He reaches for her, something resembling real concern in his voice (but it can't be, because he knows what she's done and she's seen the way he looks at her).

Noah shoves his hand away, pushing past him.

"I'm sorry about your teacher's death," she says and it feels like someone else is saying the words for her. "You deserved to know about it sooner."

She doesn't look back.

* * *

Only when she's out of the house, crouched with her head in her hands, shaking and wondering why she feels so unlike herself, does she realize.

She has no idea what Edward was going to ask her.

(Does it matter?)

(Something is wrong. In her head. She can feel it.)

* * *

Ed curses when his foot catches on something and he stumbles.

He steadies himself against the wall, smiling ruefully. He's gotten so lost in his thoughts that he hasn't been paying attention to his surroundings.

(So the floor thinks it can get the better of him this time? He'll show it up next time.)

Noah's words keep replaying in his head.

_You deserved to know sooner._

What is she implying?

There's a clank of automail against the floor and a furry body brushes against his leg.

He looks down, smiling when he sees it's just Den.

The dog sits at his feet, letting out a small whine.

"Hey, boy." Ed crouches down and ruffles the dog's fur.

Den's tale thumps the ground and he nuzzles closer, eager for more.

Craving contact and unsure of the reason why, Ed puts his arms around the dog.

"You took good care of her, didn't you boy?"

Den whines and licks Ed's ears, voicing his affirmative in his own way.

Ed's smile turns solemn, even as his hand continues to stroke the dog's head.

The notion of Den taking good care of Winry is too literal for his liking.

The past two years had been rough on her, he knows that.

With his disappearance, Pinako's death a year before that, and then Alphonse's departure for Xing, she's had no one but Den here with her.

And while he knows that Alphonse would have never left Winry to fend for herself (as much as he knows that Winry _can_ fend for herself) unless he felt that he had no better option, knows that Winry, if there were _any_ possibility of Alphonse bringing it home, would have wanted it that way, but still he wishes that they would have weathered his absence together.

He sighs.

Winry is right (she almost always is.). If Alphonse had been the one Truth had seen fit to send through the Gate, Ed would have done everything in his power to seek out a way to bring him home.

He would have given anything to find him.

The not knowing would be torture.

Why should he expect anything different from Al?

An image flickers through his mind- Al's emaciated body, frail and atrophied after so many years of disuse.

It's been two years and Al has had time to get stronger, but it's also two years that Al has spent looking for a way to bring Ed home. Time that could have been spent concentrating entirely on his recovery.

Consider he's the one responsible for Al's state, Ed's still not sure he can shake the feeling that he's not deserving of that sacrifice.

Deep down though, he's grateful that they cared enough to search.

He pushes himself back to his feet.

Den whines in protest, pawing at his knee.

Ed reaches down, giving the dog one last pat behind the ears.

"Sorry, boy," he says softly.

He steps away, leaving the dog behind him wondering.

* * *

Ed finds her huddled at the base of a rock wall behind the Rockbell home.

It's an old haunt, one that he, Al and Winry used to frequent during their childhood. He doesn't know what lead him to searching here.

He doesn't know what led him to searching for her at all.

Whatever Noah's problem is, she's the one who ultimately needs to root it out for herself.

"Get up," he says and internally winces at how gruff he sounds. Sounding harsh isn't entirely intentional. He takes no pleasure in the way she flinches at his voice. He's startled her again. "You'll catch a chill out here in the cold."

Noah only hugs her knees tighter and Ed ignores the faintest stirrings of impatience.

A heavy sigh and he presses two fingers to his forehead.

"Fine then," he says and turns away. "Stay outside if that's what you want. I'm going back in."

"Wait!" He stops when Noah's voice calls out to him. "Wait, please."

When he turns back around and she grips her arm, looking at her feet almost shyly once his eyes are on her.

"I was thinking I might accept that job," she says. No explanation to why Ed just had to track her down to find her behind one of the many old rock walls scattered throughout Resembool. "If you would tell me where they lived…"

Ed allows himself a tired smile.

Alright then.

* * *

The farmer's wife, Noah thinks, is pleasant. She greets her with a tired, "Oh, you're here!" but at least she tries to put a smile behind it.

"Mommy!" A little boy flies to his mother, gripping her skirt in his chubby fists. By Noah's estimate, he has to only be around four years old.

He stops, confused, his smile fading when he notices Noah.

"Mommy?" he asks a little uncertainly.

Though it never fades, the woman's smile becomes slightly apologetic. "I'm so sorry." To the boy, she says, "Aaron, this is our new help. Say hello, won't you?"

The boy still looks at her uncertainly. Before too long has passed, however, he breaks out beaming.

"Nice to meet you!" With the kind of enthusiasm only a child can muster, he extends his hand.

A small noise of discontent rises in the back of Noah's throat and she draws back almost before she's aware of what she's done.

His mother misinterprets her reaction and scolds the boy in a hushed tone. "Not now, Aaron." With a gentle little push, she sends the boy back into the house to play.

"Thank you for accepting." The tired smile is back. "After the new baby was born, my husband really wanted for me to have some help around the house. Please, come in."

* * *

Noah pushes the door open, slipping in without knocking.

She's exhausted. Scrubbing floors , it turns out, takes a lot out of a person.

The farmer's wife hadn't been bad company. She talked a lot, Noah noticed, about nothing and everything all at once, smiling as though she didn't have a care in the world.

Which, Noah reflects, is probably true.

What did _she_ know of true hardship?

She hasn't lived the way Noah has.

At least the farmer had been nice enough to walk her home afterwards, but she can't help wishing that it were Ed who had been waiting there to take her home.

_He'd have waited for Winry._

He would have never let someone else walk her home. That honor would have been his and his alone.

The corners of her mouth slip down into a grimace. Angry now, she slides her shoes off, leaving them by the door.

Her bare feet pad across the wood floor as she moves farther into the house.

A whole new world- Shamballa, the world she's always dreamed of- and here she is. Just as alone as before.

"How was it?" The voice that greets her is decidedly not Edward's.

Winry stands at the foot of the stairs.

Right now, Noah realizes, Winry is the last person she wants to see, the living, breathing reminder that Edward isn't hers.

She's already dressed for bed, but there's a smudge of grease smeared across the bridge of her nose. She smiles though, leaning her head against the wall. "I didn't realize you would be back so late."

"It was… nice," Noah says and she isn't lying. She reaches up to let her hair down. It's a relief once it's finally hanging free around her shoulders.

"I'm glad. The Cutlers are good people."

Noah doesn't answer. She tilts her head subtly, peering past the younger woman.

Winry notices. "Ed isn't here," she explains. "One of the neighbors came and asked for his help fixing their roof." She laughs and the sound is gentle. Everything about her demeanor speaks of a fondness Noah can only guess at. "He couldn't say no. Even if he can't perform alchemy, he still has a heart of gold."

Yes, he does.

It's why- after everything- Ed still risked his life to save hers.

It's why he was willing to look beyond the surface and see her as a _person._

It's why Noah can't be happy.

Not until Edward Elric loves her.

Because if he doesn't, there's no one else who ever will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure about adding the Cutlers- generally, I hate OCs unless they're very well written, don't distract from the canon characters and... are not a love interest. (I can't stand Canon Character/OC romances), but sometimes OCs are necessary. The Cutlers will serve a purpose later on. And they absolutely won't be playing a major role.  
> On a completely unrelated note- am I the only one tired of seeing the conflict between fans of FMA03 and FMA Brotherhood? Sure, they tell different stories, but they're... the same characters? Or most of the same characters? I'm sorry... I'm just baffled by the levels some people go to. I have my own reasons for preferring Brotherhood, but to me, both animes are part of the same fandom and I just... don't understand why it needs to be a debate. The internet just brings out the worst in people I guess.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I want to thank all of you who have reviewed this story. I've gotten numerous reviews that have not only been very thoughtful, but have made me think about the characters in new ways.  
> This chapter's word count is a little under what I've been maintaining the past few chapters. There was one other scene that I had planned to include in this chapter, but it didn't fit in with the rest of what was going on in this chapter, so I cut it and saved it for the opening of chapter five. This is also the self-imposed deadline I gave myself and I didn't want to keep people waiting any longer.  
> Also! This is the week of my finals for the semester, so I may not have as much time for writing as I would like (also, I have a gift fic I'm working on for a friend), so the next update may take a teensy bit longer. I'll still try to have it out in a timely manner though. :)  
> I'm saving the responses for the end of the chapter this time.  
> Warning for some general creepiness that's mentioned.

Ed wakes up with a gasp. His hand flies up to his chest, fingers twisting in the fabric over his heart.

_Teacher… Izumi…_

He doesn't recall exactly what his dream was about. Only that he's left with the deep ache of grief that settles heavily in his chest.

_She's gone..._

_I'm sorry, Teacher. I tried… I tried so hard to get back to you. To all of you._

He wipes a hand over his eyes. It's harder to hide from his grief in the dark and he's left facing down all his demons.

_I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you when you died._

_Mom… and now you, Teacher._

He drags in a harsh breath and presses both hands down on his face. The weight of his grief is crushing. It's holding him down and he's drowning under its pressure.

For a long while, he stays like that, shoulders heaving slowly, but he doesn't cry. Instead, a numbness seeps into his bones like the chill of a winter night.

Slowly, he lowers his hands back down to his side.

Something shuffles off to his right and his head snaps to the side. His eyes can barely penetrate the darkness, but there's enough moonlight filtering through the windows to make seeing a little easier. It casts an eerie glow across everything and the silhouettes of everyday objects rise to monstrous being in the form of their shadows.

He can't see the noisemaker.

It's not Den. The old dog's automail clanks across the floor in a way that's impossible to miss. He doesn't know how to be quiet and besides, Ed knows the dogs spends his nights in Winry's room. Keeping her safe.

Ed shifts. "Winry?" he calls softly. It's possible that it _is_ only Winry. She could have come down for a drink of water.

But no voice answers him from the dark.

He frowns.  
"Noah?"

Even though he can't think of any particular reason the Roma woman would be up, or why she wouldn't have answered him when he called Winry's name to correct the assumption, he still feels the urge to try.

Still, no answer.

It's… probably nothing, he concedes, but the need to check anyways still compels him to push himself up.

If he thought about it, he might realize that it's just a means to distract himself from dwelling on Izumi's death.

But he knows can't… he can't get back to sleep right now. Not with her face in his mind and the memory of how he failed her.

_Just like Mom._

He stumbles forward, across the room, reaching a hand out and groping for where he knows a light switch should be.

It's more than likely that the sound was nothing- his mind playing tricks on him. In the dark, what else can the mind do?

He's not prepared for the soft body he collides with.

Ed sucks a breath, unable to completely stop the gasp of surprise.

There's a small shriek from whoever he just collided with and, automatically, he reaches out and catches the person by the arm.

At the same time, his other hand reaches out, flipping the switch and flooding the room with light.

Noah flinches, shielding her eyes.

"Noah?" Ed's tone is at once flabbergasted and cautious. What possible reason could she have to be down here? "What are you doing?"

She lowers her hand, looking panic-stricken.

"I'm sorry," she gasps out. "I wasn't… I mean… I wasn't..." She falters, clearly upset.

Ed lets his shoulders sag with a tired breath. "Noah," he says, voice even. "Calm down."

She blushes, looking down at her feet.

"I just had trouble sleeping," she confesses, quietly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been wandering around the house."  
Ed's heart softens. He's all too familiar with sleepless nights. "Why didn't you answer me?"

She winces. "I panicked when I heard your voice. I… hadn't meant to disturb you." She sounds sincere enough, but the way she looks away, refusing to meet his eyes, makes Ed wonder if there isn't something more to be said.

He would be lying if he said that her betrayal from back in… the other world hasn't influenced his suspicions now.

But maybe that's the problem.

"Were they dreams?" he asks.

"What?" Noah's eyes snap up to his face. She's startled, but why, he can't fathom.

"It's okay." He drops his gaze, a sad smile playing at his lips. "I have them too sometimes."

Now she looks away. "Oh." Then, "Yes, there were some dreams."

Ed knows better than to ask.

She bites her lip. "I'm very sorry for disturbing you," she says, once more refusing to meet his eyes as she turns away.

Her hand is one the staircase's bannister when Ed finds himself speaking up again. "Noah…" She stops and Ed finds the strength to get his next words out. "I'm sorry."

"Please, Ed," she says. Her fingers are clenched tightly around the bannister, her shoulders tight with tension. "I just want to go to bed."

……….

* * *

When she reaches the top of the stairs, Noah slumps against the wall, sliding down till her butt hits the floor. Her heart is racing and she's not sure she could stop her hands from shaking if she tried.

Ed isn't supposed to have woken up.

Breathing hard, she turns her hands over, staring at her palms. What has she almost done?

She had only wanted another glimpse of that warmth, of that love. Even if it wasn't directed at her, even if it wasn't for her and never would be, she just wanted to remind herself what it felt like.

But she knows that isn't the only motivation behind her nocturnal sneaking about. Part of her had been tempted- part of her still _is_ tempted- to know the truth behind her wondering.

Her powers can read hearts. Her powers enable her to look beyond the front someone puts in place and to see what they've buried deep.

No secret is safe from her. If she knows what she's looking for.

It's why the Thule Society wanted her so badly.

Because she- and she alone- could pry the secrets of alchemy from Edward Elric's mind.

The secrets she knows he never would have shared.

It had been so _easy._ Alcohol would have done the job well enough, but she had taken it a step further, lacing his drink with the drug provided by the members of the Society who had recruited her for the job.

_Take this. There isn't a chance he'll wake up after this. He may be a little hungover come morning, but he won't suspect a thing. He won't know. You'll be safe._

_Safe._

Noah wants to scoff. _Safe._ It was out of no concern for her wellbeing that Richter had spoken such sweet-sounding words.

(Sweet-sounding words that dripped from his lips like a poison. And she had swallowed them up. Every one of them. She had been their puppet.)

No, he had wanted to ensure that she could remain at Edward Elric's side, secure in her role as their little spy.

Richter had been right.

Ed hadn't woken up and, as far as she was aware of, he had had no idea of what she had done when he did wake up the next morning.

He had no idea she had done anything. Not until the Thule Society apprehended him and she had been welcomed personally among their ranks by Richter himself.

His look of betrayal… Noah's hands clench into fists by her sides. Such a naive little boy… that had been what Richter had called him and Noah had seen that he was right.

Ed always thought the best of people. He couldn't fathom that she- someone he looked to as an ally- could turn on him.

Maybe that was what drew her to him. He had defended her, without knowing a single thing about her.

And when she had found herself alone in his room and he was there with her, unconscious to her presence, where she was free to act on her feelings with no fear of repercussions.

How could anyone expect her to have acted differently?

Noah wonders how much he knows.

Is that why he can barely tolerate the sight of her?

In trying to get close to the man she loves, has she inevitably only pushed him farther away?

She holds her hand up in front of her face, palm turned towards her.

It's the curse of her gift.

Her mother had always said it was her blessing, not her curse, but how could she view it as anything other than that when no one wanted to get close to her because of it.

…...

* * *

Her sleep is troubled for the rest of the night.

When she wakes, it's to a sheen of sweat covering her body and a feeling of something… unwholesome.

Automatically, Noah brings a hand to her chest, breathing hard. Her heart thrums rapidly against her palm. She swallows, throat dry.

She can't even remember any dreams. So why does she feel so unsettled?

Noah swings her legs over the side of the bed and lets her head hang down. Her hands fist into the sheets on either side of her as she wills her racing heartbeat to slow down.

Once she finds the strength to stand up, it only takes her a few minutes to change out of her nightgown, slipping on one of her usual ankle-length dresses.

There's a mirror in her room and Noah stops in front of it, regarding herself.

She pinches the fabric of her dress, rubbing it between thumb and forefinger. She brings her hands up to her hair, lifting it off of her neck.

Noah keeps it like that for a moment, before letting it fall back down.

Ed loves Winry.

Of that she has no doubt.

But if he could forget her… or if she could _be_ Winry…

And didn't she have the advantage over Winry?

Hadn’t she looked inside Ed's mind? Didn’t she know him in a more intimate way than anyone would ever know anyone?

Noah turns away from the mirror, hands trembling down by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richter is an OC of mine. As far as I know, the members of the Thule Society who reached out to Noah were never given names in the movie. I could be wrong, of course.  
> As for Noah's memories regarding what went down with her and Ed in the bedroom... I'm not trying to imply that anything sexual beyond what we saw in Conqueror of Shamballa occurred.  
> Another thing- when I mentioned that I was sick of seeing fans fight, that was not an invitation to come at me about how it was all Brotherhood's fault. Please. Just don't. I'm not interested in hearing it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winry tries reaching out to Noah. It goes less well than expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can definitely say that this fic has received more attention than I thought it would- thank you so much, guys! I've received quite a few reviews that not only let me know that this fic has given you something to think about, but that have given me something to think about as well. The best kind!  
> And before we move on to the chapter, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

"Hey." Winry's soft voice startles Noah before she can completely shut the door behind her. She stops, fingers barely brushing the knob of the door. A slight turn of her head allows her to regard Winry in silence without needing to turn around completely.

Winry tilts her head delicately to the side, hair hanging over her shoulder. Her bandana is still tied around her head and a smudge of grease mars the bridge of her nose. "I… was wondering…" She's hesitant. Winry, as far as Noah knows, is almost never hesitant. "Maybe you'd like to help me with something?"

"Huh?" Noah's head snaps up to regard the other woman fully, wondering if she had heard her correctly. There's… no reason for Winry to want to do anything with her, is there?

"I know you might not want to," Winry adds quickly. "I mean, it feels like we still barely know each other. But I was thinking of… having Sig over for dinner tomorrow as a surprise for Ed- he lives nearby now, after all. I thought maybe it would be nice if we worked on the surprise together. I know you care about him too. And it might be… nice to get to know each other a bit more."

_I know you care about him too._

Noah fights not to stiffen and wonders if there's supposed to be another meaning behind Winry's choice of words, if it's her way of trying to say that she sees right through her.

There's nothing underhanded immediately apparent in the woman's expression but that's how these things work.

They never let you see what they really intended.

"Oh." Noah glances at the door, weighing her two choices.

She's not so sure she _wants_ Winry to get to know her better.

But... maybe it would be nice.

And, of course, there's the option of getting to know Winry better.

Will that help her in the long run? Somehow?

Even though she can't say that she wants to endure Winry's company more than she has to, this is for Edward.

She may resent him for choosing Winry over her.

He may hate her.

But he still saved her, treated her with respect when no one else would.

Even if he'll never appreciate that a part of this came from her, maybe it's the least she can do.

(And if a small part of her hopes that maybe he'll acknowledge her, maybe he'll see how much she cares, who can blame her?)

Noah forces herself to smile. "I think I would like that."

……...

"Alright. I understand." Winry hangs the phone back up the hook and stands there for a moment.

Then, with a speed that startles Noah, she whips around and grasps the other girl by the upper arms.

"Sig can't come!" she says, eyes wide. The smear of grease on her nose seems to stand out even more. "But it's okay! It's okay! It won't be any different than our usual meals, but we can do this just the three of us!"

Just as suddenly, she releases Noah's arms, and spins back around, muttering something and ticking off her fingers.

"Winry?" Hesitating at first, Noah puts a hand on the blonde's shoulder to catch her attention. Winry stops and turns, looking at her with a question in her eyes.

"What?" It takes Noah a moment to place that look, but… she looks concerned.

Noah feels the heat rise to her cheeks and she forces herself to maintain eye contact.

"Could I…" She wonders if perhaps she's asking too much. "Could I cook?"

"You want to…" Winry's eyes widen with a sudden understanding. "Of course you can cook."

Something warm floods Noah's heart and, though she doesn't think she feels any differently towards Winry, she wonders if that feeling might be gratitude.

…………… 

Noah can't even explain what came over her.

Her fingers freeze. She can no longer remember what it is she's supposed to be making anyways.

Somewhere along the line, Winry notices. "Are you okay?" The other woman's voice is laced with concern and somehow that makes it worse. Why does she suddenly get to act concerned? What is Noah to her? Does she think she can build herself up, show everyone how saintly she is because she drops everything to help someone who she thinks needs it?

Well, Noah doesn't need _anything_ from her. Without thinking, her hands fly out and she _shoves._

The shove has a lot less force than she intended and she does little more than barely brush Winry's shoulder, but the woman still looks startled.

"Noah…!"

Just as quickly as it had come, the anger is gone and Noah is left panting.

"I…"

"Are you okay? You look pale."

"I'm…"

There's blood. Blood staining the front of Winry's shirt and, when she looks down, she sees it pooling on the floor, staining her hands.

A ball rises in her throat but there's no sound that can make it past her lips.

She takes a shaky step back- there's a knife on the counter now, blood spattered across the countertop, winking up at her.

"Noah!"

Her back is against the counter. She's clutching at it for dear life.

Noah blinks her eyes and slowly the blood fades away, leaving only Winry.

What… what was that? What just happened?

Winry is standing in front of her, blue eyes wide. "Oh my gosh, are you okay?"

"I…"

Winry is the last person she wants to be here. Winry is the last person she wants to see her like this.

_What just happened? What just happened? Whatjusthappened?_

"Noah!" There's more urgency in Winry's tone now. Her hands come to rest on Noah's shoulder and then she's being guided somewhere and she doesn't even have the presence of mind to tell her that she doesn't want to go wherever it is that they're going. That she just wants to be left alone. That she just wants Winry to _leave._

The wave of hatred that slams full on into her gut catches her completely off guard and leaves her shaken.

It's overpowering, bitter and twisted. It coils like a serpent waiting to strike.

She hasn't liked Winry- she doesn't think she ever has since she arrived here- but to feel… something like that. Before now, she hadn't thought she was capable of such feelings.

It looks like she was wrong.

The after feeling is still present, so strong that she wonders that Winry doesn't feel it.

Before she's even done processing that, Winry has left her sitting on the couch. She leaves her side, returning shortly with a glass of water.

She hands this to Noah.

"Take this. It might help." Winry drops on the couch beside her. "Do you feel lightheaded? You lost a lot of your color."

She lifts a hand to bring it to Noah's forehead, but stops before it can touch her.

Noah wonders if it's because she thinks Noah won't want to be touched.

Or if it's because Winry's remembered what touching her means.

"I'm fine," Noah whispers. Automatically, she takes a sip of water, more to hide her own face than to quench any thirst she has.

Anxiety churns in her stomach, making her feel physically ill. She sets the water glass down on the arm of the couch, still keeping it trapped within the confines of her fingers, afraid that she might not be able to keep any more of it down.

Blood…

There had been so much blood.

Her eyes shift to Winry.

How had all of it managed to come from her?

And her hands… Noah stares at the palm of her one free hand, fingers unconsciously clenching around the glass. Her hands had been covered in it.

What did that mean?

Was she going to kill Winry? _Could_ she kill Winry?

That isn't what she wants.

At least… it isn't what she thinks she wants.

She only wants her love to be returned.

Noah doesn't think she wants anyone to die.

Winry hasn't moved.

Noah wants to tell her to leave, tell her to stop staring at her, that she isn't some spectacle, but she can't make her lips form the words.

"I'm going to see if I can find Ed."

Winry spins around and is gone.

Noah is once again alone.

…………

"I'm fine." Noah can't quite keep the irritation entirely out of her voice, even as she can't entirely help the little thrill of delight that runs along her spine.

Edward is worried about her. Or acting like it.

But there isn't a chance she can tell him.

What will he do to her if he knows that she dreams of killing the woman he loves?

 _That isn't fair,_ she thinks.

Noah doesn't want to kill her. _But if that's the case, what is happening to me?_

"I only have a headache."

"Well," Ed says the words slowly, as if he's testing them carefully to see what they'll taste like before they come out, "this is a whole new world for you."

"Did you feel like anything was wrong when you… when you were gone." Winry says it like it's hard for her.

"I was too busy trying to find my way back," he doesn't say _to you_ , but Noah hears them anyway, "to think about how I was feeling." But his face scrunches up like he's thinking about it. "But it could just be normal. I mean… human's aren't really meant to pass through the Gate."

"But you haven't been feeling ill…" Winry's face contorts with suspicion. "Have you?"

"No." A wry smile forms across Ed's face. "But then that was hardly my first time at the Gate."

Noah stands. Her knees feel shaky and she sways.

Ed notices, catching her elbow to steady her.

"Maybe you should sit," he says carefully. "If your head's bothering you that badly, you probably shouldn't be moving around."

"It doesn't…" Noah starts, but then she stops, because she can try to deny it, but it _does._

And- she blushes- it feels good to have Edward worry for her. To have him look at her with something other than contempt.

She sits back down. Except when she shuts her eyes, the back of her lids are red. Red like blood.

Her eyes snap open again.

Ed is still hovering in front of her.

"I think," Noah says tiredly, "I'd just like to go to bed."

…………………….

"I'm fine." Noah can't quite keep the irritation entirely out of her voice, even as she can't entirely help the little thrill of delight that runs along her spine.

Edward is worried about her. Or acting like it.

But there isn't a chance she can tell him.

What will he do to her if he knows that she dreams of killing the woman he loves?

 _That isn't fair,_ she thinks.

Noah doesn't want to kill her. _But if that's the case, what is happening to me?_

"I only have a headache."

"Well," Ed says the words slowly, as if he's testing them carefully to see what they'll taste like before they come out, "this is a whole new world for you."

"Did you feel like anything was wrong when you… when you were gone." Winry says it like it's hard for her.

"I was too busy trying to find my way back," he doesn't say _to you_ , but Noah hears them anyway, "to think about how I was feeling." But his face scrunches up like he's thinking about it. "But it could just be normal. I mean… human's aren't really meant to pass through the Gate."

"But you haven't been feeling ill…" Winry's face contorts with suspicion. "Have you?"

"No." A wry smile forms across Ed's face. "But then that was hardly my first time at the Gate."

Noah stands. Her knees feel shaky and she sways.

Ed notices, catching her elbow to steady her.

"Maybe you should sit," he says carefully. "If your head's bothering you that badly, you probably shouldn't be moving around."

"It doesn't…" Noah starts, but then she stops, because she can try to deny it, but it _does._

And- she blushes- it feels good to have Edward worry for her. To have him look at her with something other than contempt.

She sits back down. Except when she shuts her eyes, the back of her lids are red. Red like blood.

Her eyes snap open again.

Ed is still hovering in front of her.

"I think," Noah says tiredly, "I'd just like to go to bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... I have been so excited for this chapter. I couldn't wait to bring in Alphonse. I've also brought in Mei Chang. I'm honestly not sure how the fandom feels about her as a whole. Personally, I think she's absolutely adorable and, as a character, she fascinates me. However, both my best friend and my mom hate her for reasons that are completely valid, even if I don't share their opinion. I've seen a mixed amount of both opinions from fans. I don't think I've ever seen a fic with any interactions with Mei and Noah- probably because they're both characters who are exclusive to Brotherhood and 03 respectively and because Noah herself seems to be a pretty unpopular character, so there aren't many fics with her, period- so I was pretty excited to try this twist out.  
> Mei won't be taking the spotlight away from Ed and Winry, but she will be fairly important to the story's conclusion.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off, I want to apologize for the length of time in between updates. I was trying to make it on a weekly basis, but my brother and I traveled down south to visit some friends to celebrate twelfth night and then they accompanied us back home for a few more days afterwards, so that was nearly a week in which I didn't get to writing at all.  
> This chapter is about half as long as I try to make them- only around one thousand words when I try to reach two thousand words at least. I'm also skipping pre-chapter responses this time. Our friends left this morning and I'm exhausted. But I have seen and read the newest reviews and I will take the time to message each of you with a response. Thank you so much for sticking with me.  
> This chapter mentions someone who was not in Conqueror of Shamballa canonically- Willeen is my own invented Winry counterpart, because I was sad that our world didn't seem to have one.  
> If I ever get around to writing my COS AU, she'll play a part- and Noah will get a smaller (and probably much different) role, but she'll still be there.

His brother looks… his brother looks  _ well. _

Al is still thin, thinner than Ed would have liked to see, and he’s pale, but he’s  _ healthy  _ and that’s what matters most to Ed.

“Brother!” 

Before Ed can even process things, they’re in each other's arms. He thinks he might be laughing. Or he might be crying. 

Maybe both.

He isn’t sure. 

He isn’t sure of anything except that Al is  _ here. _

“Brother, I was so worried! Where have you  _ been?” _

The question is enough to sober Ed. 

He hasn’t even given Winry the full answer. 

“Listen, Al, I know it’s hard to believe, but there’s another world. On the other side of the Gate.”

“What?” Al draws back, eyes wide in surprise and a little bit of awe. “Brother, that’s…”

Ed manages a smile. “Incredible. Yeah, I know.”

He doesn’t think he can tell him, them, any of them, the truth about what had happened on the other side of the Gate.

About Alfons and Willeen, Al and Winry’s counterparts, people who had died for him. People who had died to help him. Died so that he would have a way back home.

And Hughes- how does he even begin to describe what Hughes had been?

Even if the man had ultimately chosen rightly, how can Ed reconcile the kind and loving father from Amestris with the man he had met on the other side of the Gate?

He isn’t allowed to think about that.

“Edward!” Mei launches herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck. 

Ed laughs, startled. His arms slip around her and he hugs back.

Mei pulls back, allowing Ed to get a look at her.

She’s grown since he’s last seen her. She’s taller now, black hair pinned at the top of her head, and slender. She has to be… sixteen years old now. 

“Another world?”

Curiosity sparkles in her eyes, but it’s also guarded, as if she senses that, deep down, this other world is something Ed doesn’t want to talk about. 

“Yeah.” His smile turns wry. “Are there legends or something about that in Xing?”

Mei shakes her head. “Not really. A few philosophers considered the idea that there might be worlds apart from our own, but no one ever really took them seriously.” She and Al share a glance. “It was something we researched when we were looking for you. ”

“We thought it might be… possible,” Al says, “that Truth would send you somewhere. Or that maybe you were somehow… stuck there.”

“But there wasn’t anything- we couldn’t find anything that might tell us how to bring you back,” Mei adds. “Or even how to make it to the Gate…” She trails off, but Ed can finish the sentence well enough.

_ Short of human transmutation. _

Ed won’t say it out loud.

That’s a mistake they won’t be repeating ever again. 

Winry places her hand on Al’s shoulder, twists him around and hugs him tightly. 

Alphonse smiles a little bashfully and he returns the hug.

“Hey, Winry.”

Winry gives him an extra tight squeeze and then pulls back. She smiles, but Ed can see that her eyes shine with unshed tears.

Ed winces. 

It seems, no matter how hard they try, he and Al are always finding some way to make her cry.

_ She just worries too much. That’s her problem. _

But he doesn’t mean it. Even if it’s hard for him to admit, even now, it was… nice to know there was someone behind them, worrying for them, ready to offer her support when they needed it. 

She cried so that they didn’t have to. 

“Hey, doofus.” She ruffles his hair, in a way reminiscent of a big sister and Ed grins when Al makes an indignant little yelp.

Really, nothing has changed since he’s been gone.

They’re still a family.

That’s all that matters.

…… 

There are voices downstairs- at least two new ones. 

Or at least that’s what she was able to garner from her time listening in atop the stairs.

Noah keeps her hands folded in her lap and debates whether or not she ought to leave her room.

Her heart burns at the idea of staying up here- she won’t make herself feel like a prisoner- and yet she balks at the idea of being gaped at by a pair of strangers. 

Anxiety manifests itself in the clenching of her hands.

It can’t be that bad…

Maybe she should go down...

And she does still have a job.

If she wants to keep it, she can’t stay up here forever.

Noah stands and creeps silently to the door. It’s already open a crack- she can’t bear to sleep with it completely shut- and she rests the palm of her hand against the doorframe.

Laughter drifts up the stairs. 

Whoever they are, they’re laughing. They’re happy.

Maybe she shouldn’t…

But then again…

Noah cautiously slips out of the room and stands at the top of the stairs. She knows where the bad steps are, the ones that creak when you put your wait on them.

If she wants to, she can slip down completely silently, slide her shoes on and be out the door before they realize anything is up. 

She’ll do that.

Except she doesn’t make it out the door before she’s spotted. 

“Hey.” 

The voice isn’t accusatory or suspicious- merely inquisitive- and, when Noah turns, she sees the speaker is a young girl.

There’s something strange about her. Foreign. 

Her complexion is pale and her eyes slanted. Blacker than midnight hair swings down past her shoulder, several braids twisted around her crown. Pink ribbons are woven in with the dark tresses. 

Her clothes too are like nothing Noah has ever seen before.

Designs are sewn into the fabric in gold and red thread, unfamiliar flowers and even a dragon weaves its way around them.

A red sash cinches the ensemble at the waist.

It’s far different from anything Noah herself has ever worn.

With reluctance, Noah tears her eyes away from the embroidery in time to pay attention to the girl’s next words. 

“Ed and Winry didn’t tell us that they had a guest in the house.”

Her face isn’t unfriendly, but Noah still feels the need to be guarded. 

She’s taken by surprise when the girl bows deeply. 

“My name is Mei Chang, from the Eastern Country of Xing. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

_ A pleasure… _

No one has ever said that to her before. 

“My name is Noah. I’m not… from here.” 

How do you tell someone your world is another one entirely? More importantly, why would she tell this stranger?

Ed obviously knows her, trusts her, or she wouldn’t be here. 

But Noah doesn’t.

The girl-  _ Mei Chang- _ straightens her spine and smiles at her.

“Were you coming to join us? Ed and Winry are preparing breakfast. We would be delighted by your company, I’m sure…”   
“No!” Noah speaks quickly. Too quickly maybe and Mei looks at her, perplexed. She looks away and chooses to focus her attention on the door knob.

Her fingers ache to turn it.

“I have work,” she says. “Good-bye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little uncertain about the interaction between Mei and Noah- I hope it turned out all right. Like I said, it's been a long week.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that, in my opinion, makes Noah the most human and sympathetic. While this story is meant to flesh out her flaws (something the movie did an absolute horrid job doing) this story is also meant to bring out her human side. She is still a human being.  
> And even the Joker movie allowed Arthur Fleck his moments of gentleness before his complete descent. That's my goal here with Noah.  
> (No, I don't think she'll quite get to Joker's level of madness, however. ;) )

Something is wrong with her.

Once Noah has left- leaving behind her a patched together phrase about needing to get to work and I’m very sorry I disturbed you- Mei can’t shake that thought from her mind. 

It’s not wrong in the same way that Father and his  _ Homunculi  _ were wrong. There was something unnatural- something undeniably  _ evil-  _ about their presence- their chi- that tainted the air around them.

That isn’t what she feels from Noah. 

There’s something broken in there. A different sort of wrongness. 

It’s nothing like she felt from Father. It isn’t something she’s ever felt before. 

Whatever it is, it leaves her uneasy in a way that doesn’t feel right.

Uneasy and more than just a little sorry for the girl. 

“Mei?”

Alphonse pulls her out of her reverie, poking his head out of the living room.

“Huh?” She startles. Just a little.

“Um… Is everything okay?”

He doesn’t sound worried, maybe just a trifle confused by her presence by the front door. 

Reluctantly, she turns. 

It’s not like the girl will walk back in again if she just stares at the door hard enough.

“You know… if you wanted to take a walk through Resembool…”

“I think that sounds lovely.” She takes his hand with a gracious smile.

If anything, it will do Alphonse a world of good to actually  _ breathe _ after these past two years of nothing but utter dedication. 

The exhaustion still hasn’t cleared itself from his face. 

“Hey, Al! What are you doing? Sit back down!” Ed’s shout carries all the way from the kitchen. 

There’s a clatter of dishes and then Winry’s, “Edward!”

“Ed, I didn’t realize you had a guest,” she says amiably. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Alphonse lifts his arm and she settles into the little niche against his side. 

Ed raises his head, mild surprise apparent on his face, and he stops in the middle of the kitchen. Right as Winry backs up. 

She crashes into him. With a gasp, she staggers forward, coming close to losing her balance.

Ed panics and makes a grab for her arm to keep her upright.

Apparently, he misses, because he snatches his hand back with a hiss.

“Edward, that’s hot!”

“Really? I had no idea!” Ed snaps back, cradling his wounded hand against his chest.

Winry sets the pan of scrambled eggs back down on the stove and quickly turns a nozzle for the faucet. “Here. Run your hands under the water.”

Ed frowns at the water as if it’s personally offended him. “No, I’m fine.”

Winry shoots him an annoyed glare. “It’s only going to hurt worse if you don’t take care of it. Let me see it, anyway.”

She takes his wrist, pulling it to her gently towards her to get a better look. There’s a tenderness in her actions that contradicts her previous irritation. 

Ed doesn’t protest beyond mere grumbling. 

Despite their bickering, there’s a genuine devotion simmering just beneath the surface.

Mei exchanges a glance with Alphonse. There’s a soft grin playing at his lips, one that she’s sure is mirrored on her own face. 

“Hey, Al!” Ed’s voice cuts into the moment. 

Alphonse’s expression morphs into one of weary amusement- he doesn’t need to hear anything else to know what it is that his brother wants of him. 

“I’ve had my body back for two years now, brother. I think I can handle standing up on my own.”

Ed looks worried, even as Winry still hovers over his hand. “Yeah, but…”

Seeing that this might not be ending anytime soon, Mei takes Al by the arm and guides him back to the couch.

It will both mollify Ed and give Alphonse the rest he’s stubbornly refused to let himself have. 

It’s an argument they’ve had many times in the past.

_ You’re not a soul in a suit of armor anymore, Alphonse. You have a body to take care of now. _

“Edward, I didn’t realize you had a guest,” she repeats casually. It’s her way of changing the subject, but also she can’t seem to get that woman out of her head. 

And she can’t forget that feeling she gave her.

She’s curious to know more about her.

Alphonse makes a small noise of surprise- Ed hadn’t told either of them. 

Ed tilts his head and regards her. “You met her, huh?”

“I did. She was leaving though. She said she had work, but it seemed like she was nervous about something.”

Winry flashes a worried glance at Ed.

“She left? But…”

“Who is she, Ed?” Alphonse asks quietly, interrupting. 

“She came with me back from the other world,” Ed explains, rubbing the back of his neck. “She was hoping she could start a new life here.” There’s something else to his tone that suggests that maybe that isn’t quite all there is to it, but Ed doesn’t provide more details and Mei doesn’t think it’s right to push him.

“Ed…” Winry tugs at his arm. 

“She probably just felt overwhelmed by your appearance.” Ed offers what’s supposed to be a reassuring smile, but his brows are knit together and he looks altogether too troubled for it to be all that reassuring. 

Mei wonders what actually is going on. 

There’s something about Noah- and she doubts that it’s actually because she feels overwhelmed by two new presences.

There isn’t actually a real basis for her suspicion- just that feeling- and yet she can’t shake it.

....  
  


The Cutlers’ baby is loud.

Noah massages her temple wearily. Already, her hands and fingers ache. The baby’s wails have only served to give her a headache on top of everything else.

“Noah!” The Cutlers’ little boy Aaron runs into the kitchen. He’s a charming child, lightly tanned skin and honey-brown eyes that she doesn’t think could get any larger if he tried. Dark curls bounce against his cheeks as he bounces up and down around her.

Closing her eyes, Noah holds back a sigh, before managing a smile for his sake. “What is it, Aaron?”

“Mommy says I’m your little helper for the day!” He beams at her. “What can I do?”

Noah glances towards the doorway- the infant’s wails have only just started dying down, much to her relief. She wonders if the woman sent her son to Noah as less of a helping hand and more to get him out of her own hair for the time being. 

She can’t help but feel on edge around him. The blood from before has still left her shaken. Noah still has no idea what caused that moment- only that it came from somewhere within her.

It had to.

And that scares her.

She knows she never lay a hand on Winry, but she still doesn’t know what the vision means. 

What if it happens again?   
Noah doesn’t want to see Aaron’s little bloodstained body. The thought of those eyes that have never looked at her with anything but curiosity and wonder dulled forever is enough to make her unsteady. 

She clutches at her skirt and tries to shake the very idea from her mind.

It’s not something she particularly wants to dwell on and she forcibly turns her mind to other things. 

There isn’t much, she finds, she really wants to think about. Her old home isn’t worth dwelling on. 

If she’s honest, she realizes, heart giving a painful  _ thud  _ in her chest, her thoughts still center around Edward.

Edward- the one who saved her. Edward- the one who loves Winry. Who won’t love her. 

She shuts her eyes, wiping them angrily with her wrist. 

This feeling- it isn’t  _ normal,  _ is it? She doesn’t know. She has nothing to compare it to. How else is it supposed to be?

“Noah!” Aaron whines, drawing out her name. He clutches at Noah’s skirt and leans against her legs. “I’m bored.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Noah carefully disentangles his hands from her clothing. She does it as gently as she can and still manages to touch his skin. A jumble of thoughts- mostly the innocent sort to be expected from a child- invade her mind and she brushes them aside without a moment to ponder them. 

She isn’t interested in his thoughts and anyways she wouldn’t feel right taking the thoughts of a child. 

“There isn’t really much you can do.” 

She still has the sneaking suspicion that Aaron was sent into the room for her to entertain. There were children in her tribe- some of whom had even taken a liking to her and her to them. Aaron shouldn’t be any different from them, right?

“Do you like stories?”

He peers up at her with wide, hopeful eyes. 

“Do you have a story?”

Noah glances at the doorway. The baby’s cries have almost entirely quieted. 

“Um…” She hesitates. 

“Please?” Aaron clasps his hands together.

With a final glance in the doorway’s direction, Noah relents. 

…… 

A hand on her shoulder wakes her.

“Hmm?” Noah stirs, then bolts awake with a start when she realizes where she’s fallen asleep. She moves to push herself upright, but a weight in her lap stops her.

Aaron. 

The little boy is curled in her lap, his head resting against her chest.

He’s sleeping soundly. 

Noah smiles, pressing a hand against his back, the urge to hold him close overriding all else for just a brief moment. 

She’s sitting in an armchair- the big one upstairs where Aaron led her after he begged her to tell him a story. She doesn’t recall falling asleep. She doesn’t even remember feeling sleepy. How long has it been?

Her face colors, but when she looks at the boy’s father, she sees only slight bemusement. No anger, which is what she’s come to expect. 

“I-I’m sorry,” she stammers. “I just…” 

“It’s alright,” he tells her softly. Gently, he reaches down and extricates his son from her arms. The boy stirs and whimpers, but settles back asleep in his father’s arms. 

Noah rubs her thighs, trying to get some of the feeling back. 

“I came to get you because you’ve got someone waiting for you outside. It’s already past time you went home.” Those are the kind of words someone would say if they were angry, but there’s a twinkle in his eyes that suggests otherwise, and it all just manages to leave Noah confused.

Someone waiting? For her? Who?

Mr. Culter offers her no explanation, however, when he guides her to the stairs, and then turns away to put his son to bed. 

Noah takes one look at his departing back and then descends the staircase. 

“Noah!” Mrs. Cutler is waiting for her at the door and she clutches at her hand once Noah is within reach. 

It’s all Noah can do to restrain a yelp when she’s bombarded with flashes of someone else’s life that she has no time to sort. Somehow, she doesn’t think that would go over well. “Thank you so much for your help.” Noah disentangles her hand from the other woman’s grasp. Mrs. Cutler doesn’t offer much resistance. For the first time that day, Noah sees how exhausted the older woman looks. “Honestly,” Mrs. Cutler goes on, “I don’t know what I would have done without you. You’ve been such a help and Aaron’s taken such a liking to you…”

Noah feels heat flood her cheeks for the second time. “Oh,” she says softly. She doesn’t know what else to say.

The other woman gives her a gentle smile, her hand on the knob. “I won’t keep you any longer,” she says. “And I’m sure the young gentleman would rather not be kept waiting any longer either.”   
She winks at Noah, opening the door and stepping aside to let her pass.

Noah steps onto the porch and stops dead in her tracks.

Edward is waiting for her in the yard.


	8. Chapter 8

“Hey,” Edward greets her, but he can’t quite meet her eyes. 

Noah feels lightheaded. He came. Why is he here? 

She wants to reach out, take his hand in hers, and never let him go.

“Ed!” Startled by her own outburst, Noah freezes. She didn’t think she would sound that… thrilled.

Her palms feel sweaty and she rubs them discreetly against her skirt. Against her will, she wonders if Edward notices the motion and a flood of heat warms her cheeks. 

“You came,” Noah says softly, praying that her voice doesn’t quiver the way the rest of her does. Her heart pounds in her chest. 

He came for her. He waited for her. 

Maybe he can be hers after all. 

She wonders why he came. Why now? 

There’s a flutter in her stomach. 

“Yeah.” Ed’s eyes slide over to her and it isn’t much but it’s a change from how he was before. “Winry was worried.”

“Oh.” Her shoulders drop and she walks past him.

Ed keeps pace beside her. 

“Is that the only reason you came? Because Winry was worried?”

He didn’t care enough to come on his own? Was that how little he thought of her?

Ed jams his hands into his pockets and glares straight ahead. “You left without saying a word to anyone. ”

Noah stops, one hand resting lightly on the white picket fence by the side of the road. The sun is setting and it leaves the sky in a haze of pinks and yellows. It’s so different from her world, with all its muted colors.

“You had guests,” she says, like that should explain everything away. 

She won’t look at him, but her heart beat hard against her chest like a pulsing wound. She presses a hand to her breastbone, feeling as though her ribs 

It’s suddenly so hard for her to breathe.

She needs him. Can’t he see that? She  _ needs  _ him. She’s needed him from the first moment she laid eyes on him.

There’s nothing else for her outside of him. 

Even this world. 

She has nothing here- nothing but him.

And Winry won’t let her have even that. 

Her vision swims, but she doesn’t lift a hand to wipe away the unshed tears.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

He was supposed to be her happy ending. 

She thinks about Winry, about how if she were her, Ed would be at her side to hold her close. He won’t do that for her. He’ll never do that for her.

Because of  _ her.  _

If Winry were gone, it would all become so easy. 

_ If he would just forget… _

Impulsively, Noah spins around. Ed is facing the sunset. His hands are tucked deep in his pockets and he’s chewing his bottom lip.

There’s a serenity to the picture he paints and it stokes a tingling in Noah’s fingertips.

She’s overwhelmed by the desire to reach out and touch him. To pull him close and hold him near to her. 

For him to the same to her. 

“Edward…” She steps forward.

Ed turns. There’s an openness on his face that she hasn’t seen there in a long time.

She lunges forward. 

Comprehension barely registers on his face, before she grasps ahold of his wrist and closes her eyes in concentration. 

Ed’s emotions hit her like a brick. 

Confusion. Shock. 

Anger. 

It’s work- real work- to push them all to the back of her mind and focus on her objective. 

_ He could love me if I could just… if I could just show him that he could. _

She grasps a little tighter. 

“Ed…” she whispers.  _ Please, _ she thinks and a flurry of disjointed thoughts follow it.  _ Please see me. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Why can’t you want me? Can’t you see I love you? _

She tries to focus- but she isn’t sure what she should be focusing on. She’s never attempted anything like this with her power before. Will it even work?   
And then Ed’s hand is yanked from her grasp.

Noah gives a small gasp, eyes flying open. 

“What were you trying to do, Noah?” Ed asks. His lips are flattened against his teeth, nostrils flaring.

He is, Noah realizes, more than just a little furious.

She stumbles back, clutching a hand to her chest. “Ed, please, I… I didn’t mean…” she struggles to find words that will excuse the inexcusable and finds herself falling short. “I just…” 

Ed turns away from her, fists clenched down by his side.

“Stop,” he says and she does. His voice is tight and heavy with emotion. “Just stop.” He raises his eyes to the sunset, expression hard. “I need to go on alone.” 

Noah’s breath hitches, her cheeks burning.

He spares her a sideways glance.

“You’re welcome to come back,” he says quietly, but his tone doesn’t lose its edge, “but if you try to look inside my mind again, then maybe it’s for the best if you find somewhere else to live.”

Noah stands frozen as a heaviness settles in her chest. He can’t possibly mean that, can he? Where else is she supposed to go?

“Edward…” Her voice comes out half-strangled as she calls out to him.

“Don’t, Noah.” 

He doesn’t stop walking. He doesn’t look back.

…...….

Ed leaves her standing in the middle of the road. 

She calls out to him, but he isn’t ready to hear it.

He doesn’t want to hear her reasonings or her excuses. 

All he can think about is what she just did. Why? What did she have to gain from it? What was she looking for?

Noah has read his mind before, only once that he knows of, back in her world when they first met. 

But that had been with his consent- even if he hadn’t fully grasped the full extent of her… powers. Still doesn’t, if he’s being honest.

What had just happened hadn’t been with his consent, however. He can’t help but feel violated. 

What had she taken? There’s no way for him to search his memories and know what exactly has been touched. What hasn’t been looked at. 

He brings a hand to his forehead with a small groan. He wants to reach in, thrust fingers through bone and brain and scrub his mind clean from any and all traces of tampering. 

Those memories- Al’s smile, his mother’s touch, Winry’s laugh- they’re  _ his _ .

His memories of the day they tried to transmute their mother, his blood mingled with the screams of both him and his brother- not even Winry knows the full truth of that day.

Ed feels physically ill. He stumbles next to the road and dry heaves, stooped over, hands on his knees. 

He straightens, wiping his mouth, and very deliberately takes the right that veers away from home. 

He isn’t ready to face any of them yet. He needs to give himself time to let his anger simmer down.

If Noah arrives back at the Rockbell home before he does, well, maybe she’ll have some backbone and confess to what she did.

Ed’s lips thin. He tucks his hands into his pockets and keeps walking. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the length of time between updates. There's a reason for that, but it'll wait till the end because I don't want to spoil the chapter.

Clear his head. Think. 

Both of these are things Edward Elric intends to do. 

He can’t rid himself of that unclean feeling of being violated and he knows he won’t accomplish anything productive while he’s in that frame of mind. 

Was telling Noah she could stay too lenient? His mouth curls downward in a frown. She has nowhere else to go. If he threw her out, would she be able to find food, someplace warm to stay? 

Yes, it’s currently not that cold here in Resembool and it won’t be for a while to come, but that will change when the winter months hit.

Winter will be hell for Noah when it comes around unless she’s found a better situation. It doesn’t sit right with Ed to just… leave her like that.

But, at the same time, he doesn’t want someone around who he can’t trust. 

_ There’s time,  _ Ed tells himself, but time for what? Finding something like a steady job and a permanent place to stay are already hard enough. It’s made all that much harder when you’re not even from the area. Not even from this  _ world.  _

The Cutlers have been gracious, but they have children. They can’t afford to pay a salary someone can live on. 

Maybe there’s a place in the city, he thinks. Central is sure to have jobs. Maybe if he spoke to Mustang…

Ed hasn’t spoken to Mustang in so long. 

Thinking of that makes something in his chest hurt for reasons unknown and Ed doesn’t really want to delve into what those reasons might be.

Mustang knows he’s back- he knew a long time ago, back when Ed was still adjusting to being back in Amestris. To being back  _ home. _

As much as Ed had hated the man needing to keep tabs on him (even if he thinks Mustang must have hated it with a similar level of ferocity), the Colonel has also done too much for him and his brother for him to let him go on thinking he was dead.

If there was a reason for that beyond acting out of a simple sense of responsibility, Ed doesn’t think about that either.

It was more a courtesy call than anything else.

He doesn’t take it personally that the man didn’t drive out all the way just to see him.

The Colonel (no, not the Colonel anymore- he’s been promoted- but then, he’ll always be the Colonel to Ed) has a new rank, new responsibilities. The rebuilding of Ishval is still ongoing. 

Ed can’t expect the Colonel to pull himself away from all of that. It wouldn’t be fair. 

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. 

Still, maybe it would be nice to get more than just a  _ good to have you back, Fullmetal. _

Ed forcibly turns his thoughts away.

Reminiscing about Mustang is only going to be a waste of time right now. He has other things to worry about. 

Things like Noah...

This is the second time she’s betrayed him and now he finds himself wondering if he’s been far too lenient. 

Someone like that, someone who thinks she can just poke around in his head- he doesn’t want someone like that around. 

What was she looking for?

The look on her face- the more Ed thought about it, the more it was clear that there was something in particular she was searching for.    
Again, Ed tries to shift through his memories. His forehead creases in concentration. Again, his attempt is useless.

It doesn’t feel right. 

Shouldn’t there be something- some feeling, some taint- left behind to tell him what part of his mind has been tampered with? What memories have been stained by another’s invading touch?

But of course the world doesn’t work that way. 

At first, it hadn’t registered with him what she was trying to do. He hasn’t trusted her. He tried- he tried to be understanding. 

At Winry’s behest, he had come to meet her at the Cutlers.’ 

Because Winry had sensed that something was wrong, even if she didn’t know what. 

Ed knows he could have told her, that he  _ can  _ tell her, and Winry will understand. 

But he doesn’t. 

Because everytime he thinks about it, everytime he thinks about telling her what happened in  _ that  _ world over the past two years, his stomach clenches and the bile rises in his throat and he puts off telling her for another day.

He’s still pretending that that day will come. 

Ed had been willing to wait for her, but he had also been wary. After everything though, he hadn’t thought Noah would be so brazen.

He stops walking and lets his eyes drink in the horizon. He feels tired, drained. If he hadn’t been sure that Noah’s power didn’t entail anything like that, he would wonder if he should blame her for that too, but he doesn’t think it’s her fault at all.    
The sunset reaches out, coloring the sky in hues of pink and yellow. It’s so much bigger than he is, so much bigger than all of them.

Ed thinks that, if he really tried, he could get lost in that sunset.

……...

A sick feeling is rising in the pit of Noah’s stomach as she slowly picks her way along the road. She doesn’t know how long she stood there, how long it took for her legs to finally start moving. 

Long enough for Edward to make it home? Maybe. 

Regardless, she knows he’s going to beat her there, so why does it matter?

Why should she care?

It’s not like she’s ever cared for Winry. 

Alphonse. Mei.

She hardly even knows them. No. That isn’t true. She doesn’t know them at all.

What does it matter, what Ed tells them?

On trembling and heavy legs, she starts the trek home alone.

_ Home. _

It really was a home, wasn’t it?

The closest thing she felt she could have had to one.

Or it had been.

Would it still be?

The sense of not-knowing terrifies her. The thought of losing Ed terrifies her. 

But there might not be anything she can do to stop it.

………

Mei pulls Alphonse aside when she doesn’t feel she can wait any longer.

Winry is with an automail client. They won’t be missed. 

Not that Winry would mind them pulling away for a moment to themselves, but Mei feels the less questions asked, the better. 

At least for now. 

Before, it hadn’t felt right to share what she had felt about the young woman Ed had taken in, but she’s tired of puzzling it out on her own. She’s tired of the sick feeling of dread churning in the pit of her stomach and the only person she knows who can help her sort it out is Alphonse. 

Alphonse doesn’t miss that something is bothering her. He hasn’t missed it since it started, she knows, but he’s refrained from questioning her until she was ready to tell him.

He catches her elbow gently. His touch at once reassures her and reignites her unease. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks her, concerned. “You look shaken.”

Mei opens her mouth to answer him and then realizes she has no idea how to explain what she’s about to say.

She’s never felt anything like it before. It’s not like the Homunculi. It’s not evil. 

It’s just… wrong. Broken. Wrong in a way that can’t be helped. 

“It’s Noah,” Mei confesses. “Something isn’t right about her.”

A little furrow of confusion forms between Alphonse’s brows. “What do you mean?”

“Her chi…” Mei struggles to find a way to explain it, to find words that will paint the fractured picture she has in her mind. 

Now that she’s speaking out loud, she’s less confident in her decision to share this information. Privacy is a foreign concept in Xing where everybody knew everybody else’s business. But Amestris was different.  _ This  _ was different. 

“There’s something different- something wrong…”

“Is it…?” Alphonse grimaces, but Mei knows what he’s about to say and shakes her head.

“It’s not like the Homunculi and it’s not like… it’s not like him either.” 

Alphonse grimaces just a little and Mei doesn’t miss it. 

The traumatic event is two years in the past and sometimes it still feels like it just happened.

“It’s,” she latches onto the first analogy that makes sense, “festering.” That still doesn’t sound right. “Rotting.” Like a bruised fruit. The blemish is internal and you never know until you’ve taken a bite… or cut it open. What Mei has done isn’t the equivalent to either one of those things… exactly. “I’ve… never felt anything like it before.”

“What are you saying?” 

His fingers tighten their grip without being painful. 

“Ed said he was on the other side of the Gate, right? And she came with him?” Mei hurries on. “What if it has to do with crossing over?”

Alphonse pales. “Ed…”

“I don’t get that feeling from Ed at all,” she reassures him. And it is a relief, of course, but it quickly points out the flaw in her theory. “Which doesn’t make sense if they both crossed over the Gate then, does it?”

“But Ed’s from this world. Noah isn’t. Could that be why?” He thinks it over. “But Ed was also in her world. For two years. Wouldn’t there be some sort of… residual effect from that time? It wouldn’t just magically erase itself, would it?”

He’s right.

It’s part of what is making this situation so confusing. Nothing about it makes any sense to her. 

“So what do we do?” Alphonse asks. He takes both her hands in his, eyes searching her face carefully.

_ Do we take this to Edward?  _ is what he’s asking her without words. 

It goes without saying that they will want to bring this up with Edward at some point, but she recognizes that he’s respecting her own judgement. 

He’s asking her what she wants to do, what she thinks the situation calls for. She wouldn’t have brought this to his attention if she wasn’t troubled, but he’s still waiting for her call. 

He trusts her and that means the world.

Mei gives his hands a squeeze in a show of gratitude. 

“I think… maybe we should talk to Ed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a big chunk of why this chapter is late is because of this last section with Mei and Alphonse. I know exactly what's going on with Noah and, while Mei and Alphonse currently have no idea what the issue is, Mei is coming close. However, finding the words for this conversation was harder than it should have been and I'm still not 100% certain that I'm satisfied with it.  
> The other thing is the last part of Mei and Al's conversation. I struggled with that because I wasn't sure it was entirely in character for Alphonse to wait for Mei's input about going to Edward. I wanted to show that Alphonse has changed over the past two years but I wasn't sure that that was the right way to go about it. Again, however, after two years of forced independence from Ed, he and Mei have become a lot closer.  
> I'm interested to hear what you think!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait, guys. I know at the start, there was a week in between chapters, but it's looking like two weeks is going to be the new norm for the remainder of this fic. That being said, I'm so excited for this chapter! So excited! I finally get to talk about what's been going on with Noah. Or at least present the running theory.  
> As always, a huge thank you to my reviewers.  
> On with the fic!

Noah opens the door with reluctance. She’s greeted by nothing. Not even the dog. 

The stillness leaves her disquieted. She hesitates in the doorway, her resolve wavering. 

Should she call out? Why is it so quiet?

For an instant, she wants to turn and flee. 

Edward has probably already arrived. He’s probably told them everything. They’ll be waiting there in disgust. 

Even Winry. 

Noah has never considered Winry a friend, nor has she considered her potential as one, but it occurs to her then that never did the other woman look at her with the same distaste she received back in her own world. 

She doesn’t want to face that.

_ Does it matter though? _ she asks herself. 

Winry isn’t any different. She’s just better at hiding it.

Noah ignores the impulse to run and shuts the door gently. The soft click resonates in her mind. It’s not at all reassuring. 

The door is now a barrier between her and the outside.

Cautiously, she steps further into the house. Scenarios play out in her mind. 

They’re all in the living room. Ed is waiting for her to crawl back in shame. Her faults will all be brought to light and, though the invitation to stay will be there, she’ll have no choice but to leave. How could she stay?

Noah’s cheeks burn and she realizes that, somewhere along the line, she’s started to tremble with her emotions. Is it fear? Or anger? 

Her shaking fingers lightly touch the bannister and her foot lands on the first step.

“Noah?”

It’s Alphonse, Edward’s younger brother.

“I thought I heard the door. Is Ed…?”

She doesn’t wait to hear anymore. She bolts up the stairs, hears Alphonse’s startled cry, but she doesn’t stop to consider it.

Only when she’s safely in the room assigned to her, the door shut behind her, does she consider the implication of what Alphonse had been trying to ask her.

_ Is Ed…? _

So he isn’t back yet. 

They don’t know. Not yet. 

Noah slides to the ground, her back pressed against the door. 

But he’ll tell them when he comes back, won’t he?

Her eyes slide across the room.

She doesn’t have much to take with her if she decides to cut her losses and leave while she can.

But a sheet will serve to carry what she can take- she and Winry have similar builds. Some of her clothes will be sure to fit her. 

And money… thanks to working for the Cutlers, she now has some of her own, but it’s not a lot.

Still, she thinks it likely that Winry keeps some somewhere in the house…

What’s the use of thinking that way? Noah rests her head back against the door. 

Even if Winry does keep money around the house, she has no idea where it is. And it’s not like she had spent any amount of time searching the house. 

Maybe she should have prepared in the event of something like this happening. 

…...

Alphonse considers going after her. Something is clearly bothering her and, after what Mei had to say, a part of him wants to see that she’s alright.

He doesn’t know her- he never even got the chance to introduce himself to her- but he knows that she’s troubled and he hates to see anyone like that. 

After his time spent following Edward, he knows that it’s all too easy before the thoughts that trouble you can begin to feel like the weight of worlds bearing down on your shoulders.

Al doesn’t want to see the same look on Noah’s face. This girl he doesn’t know, hasn’t even talked to. 

He knew how to talk to Edward. He could read his brother’s body language and understand what was troubling him, know what to say to make him feel at least a little bit better. 

He knows nothing about Noah. Doesn’t even know where to begin. 

What if he says the wrong thing?

He hesitates, places one foot on the step. 

Maybe- maybe at some point he’ll talk to her, but not now. He lets his hand drop down to his side and turns away. 

Mei is seated at the kitchen table, crooning something as she offers Xiao Mei a cookie.

He can’t help but grin, leaning against the doorframe to watch them. 

Even from the beginning, it’s always been obvious just how much those two adored each other. 

Mei catches his eye from her seat. He doesn’t miss the way her face lights up when she sees him.

“Hey.” He slides into the chair next to her. Now that he’s seated, he sees she’s reopened several of Hohenheim’s books splayed out on the table in front of her. 

Evidently, she’d decided to have another go.

She flashes him a tired smile. 

“Maybe we missed something the first time around…”

Al feels doubtful, but he tries not to let it show. Too much at least. “Maybe the answer isn’t in there. Dad may not have known there was another side to the Gate…”

He’s still not so sure about what they’re doing. It feels… wrong- in a slimy sort of way- to be doing this without Noah’s knowledge. Even though he knows that there probably isn’t a way he could have gotten her involved. She’s avoided them like the plague since they arrived.

Mei looks puzzled. “But it’s a gate. There’s always another side.”

Fair. 

“Besides, the answer really might not have to do with the Gate at all,” Mei continues. 

For the first time, he notices that there’s a board game on the table next to her. 

A Xingese game she’d found the time to teach him during their travels together. 

Involving tiles and little stick figures, with a name Al found his Amestrian tongue completely unable to pronounce, the game was good for both a single player and multiple. 

“Were you playing?”

“I was taking a break,” Mei says. She moves one of the stick figures and takes two of Xiao Mei figures.

Xiao Mei makes a noise that could possibly be interpreted as dismayed.

Maybe he should find it weird, that Mei plays against her panda. He doesn’t. He’s been around weird too often.

Instead, he slides the open alchemy book away from her, shutting it gently but firmly.

Mei watches him, lips tightening, but she doesn’t protest.

“I was reading that,” is all she says.

“You were on page three hundred and fifty-seven. You can pick it up again after.” Al doesn’t miss a beat. “Can I play?”

“Next round?” she offers. Her eyes twinkle mischievously. “Xiao Mei isn’t much of a challenge.”

The small panda makes a noise that’s probably offended, but Al genuinely can’t tell. 

Maybe Mei really can talk to her panda and, the way they interact, it’s hard not to believe that, but he can’t. 

He never exactly learned to speak small animal. 

Mei flips a tile and moves a figure.

“If you’re good,” she says and there’s that hint of mischief again, “maybe we can even play xiangqi.”

Al smiles. “I’d like that.”

……

Sometime later, Winry emerges from her workroom. 

She’s smeared with grease, both her face and her hands. Sweat cuts cleans lines through the grime on her face. 

“Is Ed home?” 

She wipes her hands off on her pants. 

“No.” Al shakes his head. “But Noah is. She said Ed wanted to… walk.” 

Winry looks a little troubled, her eyes flitting to the doorway. “Oh.”

She’s worried about him. Al understands her concern. 

They both wish he would open up more. That he would let them help him more. But it’s always been Ed’s nature to keep things bottled up inside. To think he can handle them on his own. 

But there’s nothing she can do until he comes home. 

Winry peels off her gloves and sets them on the countertop.

“I’m just going to get cleaned up,” she says. 

Mei half-turns in her chair. “I was thinking maybe I could make dinner for you.”

Winry slumps with relief. Even from where he is, Al can see the exhaustion bleeding off of her. “That would be wonderful. Thank you, Mei.”

Mei shrugs, like it’s no big deal. “I liked cooking back home,” she says, which is a lie. Al knows it’s a lie. She  _ hated  _ cooking during their time together in Xing, even if she loved eating what she cooked. “You won’t have the right spices here, so it will taste a little funny, but… Oh!” She turns to Al, eyes wide with excitement, and suddenly nothing else matters except the idea she’s got in her head. “We should bring Xingese spices back on our next visit! As a gift!”

Al smiles tolerantly. “Yeah. I’m sure Ed will like that.”

Mei looks delighted. “You think?”

Modification: Mei hated cooking, but she loved food.

“I’m heading upstairs now,” Winry calls. There’s a lilting tone to her voice that tells him that she’s teasing them.

“Okay.” Al waves a hand in a partially interested gesture of good-bye.

Mei has just taken another one of Xiao Mei’s pieces.

……

When Ed walks in the door and into the living room, Mei is already in the middle of cooking dinner. 

Al is helping her and the two of them have become so immersed in the task that Al doesn’t realize Ed is home until he hears his voice.

“Where’s Noah?”

Al whips around. “Ed!”

His brother looks… worn is the first word to come to mind. World weary is another. 

He had known (or suspected, at least) from the beginning that Ed hadn’t been going on a walk simply to enjoy nature, but now he finds himself wondering what exactly  _ did _ cause him to take that detour. 

And what Noah had to do with it. 

“She’s upstairs,” he says. “Winry’s up there too. She said she was just going to get changed, but she hasn’t come down yet. She looked tired though, so she’s probably taking a nap or something.”

Ed’s face softens at the mention of Winry. “Yeah? Guess we probably shouldn’t wake her up then, huh?”

Al lets himself smile, but the gesture is superficial and does nothing to lighten the burden of worry on his heart.

_ When are you going to let us in, brother? _

“Yeah, probably not,” he says. “Is something bothering you? You were gone a long time.”

He could tell him Winry was worried as well, but guilt is something he won’t use.

Ed doesn’t quite look him in the eyes. “I had a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

Al and Mei exchange a look. Mei looks hesitant for once and he understands why. 

She’s not sure that now is the right time to bring up what they suspect.

“That smells good,” Ed says, interrupting their unspoken communication. “What’s cooking?”

Mei names the chicken and rice dish she’s preparing. 

Ed nods, then smiles at her softly.. “Huh. Well… it smells good. Thanks.”

Mei looks pleased.

Ed’s eyes fall on the alchemy books still piled on the table. A furrow forms between his brows. “Al…”

“Brother, there’s something we need to tell you!” Al speaks quickly. In a more hushed tone, he continues, “It’s about Noah.”

Ed’s head snaps up. There’s something fierce glittering in the depths of his eyes, but something guarded too.

Al finds himself wondering what exactly went down between them on the walk home from the Cutlers’ place. For that matter, what happened when he was on the other side of the Gate?

He knows better than to ask, at least right now.

“Well?” Ed snaps and then seems to realize that he did snap, because he looks immediately remorseful.

Al can’t help the guilty glance at the doorway to the living room area, as if he expects Noah to be there, drawn by their secret talk of her. 

It doesn’t matter their intentions. It still feels wrong to be talking about her like this.

“Mei… sensed something about her.” It sounds stupid, but he isn’t sure how else to put it. It probably doesn’t matter though, he supposes. He falls silent so that Mei can take over. It’s technically her story to tell after all. 

“Her chi,” Mei explains softly. She places a hand against her heart. “It feels wrong. Broken.” It seems a little easier for Mei to explain herself this time. “It’s not the same feeling I got from… him, or from his Homunculi.” Al sees the same grimace of distaste flash across Ed’s face. “It’s like she’s slowly decaying from the inside. Or her soul is anyways.”

Ed looks troubled. His eyes flicker to the threshold, and then back to Al and Mei.

When he does speak, his voice lowered.

“Back in that other place, on the other side of the Gate, I met another you, Al.”

Al reels back in surprise. “What? Ed, what are you…?”

“Not  _ you _ you,” Ed corrects. “A counterpart. His name was Alfons Heidrich. I met Winry’s counterpart too.” 

A spasm of pain crosses his face.

Ed shuts his eyes and lowers his chin, taking a moment to compose himself. When he opens them, he looks them both in the eye. “But I didn’t meet myself. My counterpart died the year before the Gate spat me out there.”

“So… you were never in that world at the same time as your counterpart.” Mei speaks slowly.

Ed nods, looking grim.

“So we don’t know what would happen if two counterparts were ever in the same world together,” Al says. “Or if that’s even possible.”

Ed nods again. “And we don’t know if Noah has a counterpart here. Although I would assume it’s a safe bet that she does. Or who she is.”

Al is pretty sure it clicks for all of them at the same time, even if he is the one to voice it first.

“Our world is rejecting her.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit more referencing the COS-AU fic I would like to someday write with Winry's counterpart. And yes, I finally got around to presenting a theory for what's been going on with Noah. Oh, I have been waiting for this moment.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a warning for violence.

Al wants to wince the moment the words left his mouth. 

Said out loud, it sounds so… melodramatic. Like he’s jumping to conclusions without proof.

But there really isn’t a better way to put it, is there?

A troubled silence falls over the three of them. 

“So then…” Mei hesitates, “what do we do about it? And what do we tell her?”

Because they have to tell her. Somehow. 

Al won’t even consider the alternative where they leave her in the dark and he knows Ed and Mei well enough to know that they would feel the same way.

No one, it turns out, has an answer for that.

...

Winry emerges around the same time Ed is considering the risk of going up the stairs to wake her. 

Her eyes are bleary from sleep, her hair, still up in its ponytail from before, pokes out at weird angles. 

She either didn’t notice or she doesn’t care.

She smiles appreciatively when she sees the food laid out on the table. “Thank you, Mei.” She pulls out a chair and sits down. “I’m starving.”

Mei shrugs, but she can’t quite keep the smile off of her face. For someone who’s supposed to hate cooking, she looks mighty pleased with herself.

It does look wonderful, but that’s not even the best part.

Whatever blend of spices Mei used has mixed together to create a heavenly aroma that wafts around them. 

Ed’s mouth waters.

Places have already been set. The only thing left is for Ed to say the blessing. He does so.

“So…” Winry begins. She looks at the empty seat with a place set before it. “Noah isn’t coming down, is she?” she asks. “Should we…?”

“I’ll take a plate up to her.” Ed stands, ignoring the urges of his own stomach, and fills a plate. “Start without me. I won’t be long.”

…

“Noah?” He raps gently on the door, but he won’t risk opening it. 

There’s no answer from inside. 

He sighs. “Noah, I’ve brought your dinner.”

Saying it like that makes it sound like she’s their prisoner, but there’s nothing he can do about that.

If she’s choosing to stay behind closed doors, that’s her prerogative. Ed isn’t going to work to make her change her mind. 

He considers for a moment. Then he stoops to leave the plate on the floor near the door. He nudges it to the side, just so she won’t accidentally step in it if she does choose to come out.

He raps on the door again with his knuckles. Predictably, nothing changes and there’s still no answer.

“Your food’s outside the door,” he says, feeling more than just a little awkward. “In case you want it.”

There’s nothing more to say and there’s no reason to linger.

He walks away.

...

In the end, Noah eventually opens the door to take the food. 

She hadn’t wanted to at first, but she had realized that there was nothing romantic or even reasonable about allowing herself to starve like some damsel in a storybook. 

So she takes it and brings it back to sit on the bed. 

The scent is… unusual, but not unpleasant. She takes up the fork left along with the food and pokes at it. 

Meat and grain and unfamiliar spices.

She takes a bite. 

The flavors are strong, but it’s enough for her stomach that it’s food. She hadn’t realized until now how hungry she truly was. 

It’s different from what she ate with her tribe, but it’s good. She finishes and sets the plate aside on the dresser.

She isn’t willing to leave the room.

Instead, she curls up on the bed.

Edward hates her. He brought her food, he made sure she was okay, but it doesn’t matter because he hates her. 

She drags her knees to her chest. Her fingers ball into fists and she presses them hard against her eyes. 

Edward hates her. He hates her. And it won’t ever change, because he won’t ever see her. He can’t get past what she is. Who she is. What she’s done. 

He won’t ever understand her. He won’t even try. 

It isn’t fair. 

Noah curls into a tighter ball around herself.

Her heart clenches and there’s a burning sensation behind her eyes. 

She wipes the moisture away, but she welcomes the tears. 

If nothing else, she has a right to her own tears.

...

Noah wakes with a start. She’s still curled on the bed and she slowly stretches herself out. It’s dark out- plenty of stars, but the moonlight is minimal. 

She pushes herself up until she’s seated and lets her legs hang over the edge of the bed. Her bare feet brush the floor.

Noah doesn’t remember falling asleep and she hadn’t heard anyone else come up to bed, but if it’s this late, then there’s a good chance they’re all asleep.

She stands, almost robotic in her movements. The pillow comes with her. She clutches it almost helplessly to her chest. 

Noah crosses the room, feet gliding soundlessly across the floor. She stops at the door. Her heart is pounding and her mind is racing, but anything even faintly resembling a coherent thought eludes her.

What is she doing?

Her fingers wrap around the door knob and she turns it.

It feels like all of her has suddenly become devoted to a single purpose without knowing what that purpose actually is.

No… She swallows, but it does nothing to alleviate the dryness in her throat. No, she knows exactly where she’s going and it terrifies her, yet electrifies her at the same time.

A strange sort of excitement ripples down her spine. It gives her chills.

After tonight, her problems will be solved. 

She’s trembling when she steps into the hall, when she enters the room across from hers. She hesitates before she shuts the door. 

Her resolve sharpens. The click of the door closing rings with a firm note of finality. There’s no turning back now. 

The room’s occupant was asleep, blonde hair spilling across the pillow.

Noah stands over her, fingers digging into the pillow.

What does this girl offer that Noah doesn’t? What makes her better?

“I am everything you are,” Noah whispers. She doesn’t know where the words come from, but that doesn’t make them any less true.

She holds the pillow in front of her like a shield. 

And then she brings it down over the sleeper’s face. 

Winry awakes in an instant, bucking against Noah’s weight. In the faint light, Noah can just make out the whites of her eyes. Her arm lashes out, catching Noah in the chest. 

Noah had thought she could do this, but now she’s realizing she underestimated the strength of the other woman.

Winry is lean, but years of automail mechanics have toned the muscles in her arm. When she balls her fist and strikes out again, this time delivering a glancing blow to Noah’s chin, the strike has more power to it than Noah would have thought.

The blow  _ smarts _ and it nearly dislodges Noah. She fights to stay put.

Winry is fully awake now and thrashing. 

Noah is terrified now- she had been counting on this being a silent ordeal. There’s a possibility that this will wake the rest of the household and-  _ what is she doing, this isn’t her, what is she doing- _ if that happens…

Winry’s nails dig into the flesh of Noah’s forearms, scratching her deeply. It catches Noah off guard, throws her off balance, and it’s enough for Winry to finally throw her off. 

With a noise somewhere between a scream and a sob, Winry shoves her hard.

Noah stumbles back. She fails to catch herself in time to remain upright and falls against the dresser. 

Hard.

The whole thing rattles. Something crashes to the floor. 

The dog starts barking downstairs. 

People will start waking up. 

_ Ed  _ will wake up.

No. This can’t be happening. No. It wasn’t… She didn’t mean… 

Winry’s hands are on her shoulders, struggling to keep her pinned down.

“Stop.” Winry’s voice is small, in between pants. “Stop.”

Noah grunts, arches her back. The dresser is digging into her back painfully. 

She reaches back, fingers groping. They close around something.

She doesn’t think. She acts. 

She swings her arm with a wordless cry-

-and plunges the object into Winry’s side. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this update finds you all well and that you are all staying safe.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, it's actually been a week between updates! I'm so proud!  
> Everyone, thank you so, so much for your kind words last week.  
> Warning! As I'm sure you were all expecting, this chapter picks up where the last one left off, which means... there will be blood. The aftermath of violence. And all the ugly emotions that follow.

Noah's eyes widen.

What… What has she done?

She yanks her hand back and drops the object- a blood-stained pair of scissors- to the floor.

Her hands...

She looks at her hand, spotted red with blood, and she feels physically ill.

"I…" She tries and fails to find the words to say something.

Winry staggers back, eyes wide with shock and fixed on Noah.

Her hand is clamped to her side. Already, blood is seeping between her fingers, staining her white night dress.

Tears blur Noah's vision. She reaches a hand out, but then her knees gives out and she crumples back against the dresser.

Winry has already collapsed to the floor. Her face is a mask of pain and she curls around herself.

"I didn't mean to," Noah manages to get out and her voice is choked, but she's not sure who she's trying to convince.

Winry? Or herself?

Winry doesn't seem to hear her.

Noah can't take her eyes off the blood staining her side.

She drops her eyes back down to her hands. The blood stands out accusingly.

The voices get louder. Footsteps are already pounding up the stairs.

Noah's head snaps up and she looks to the door. A small whimper builds in her throat.

_Ed._

But when the door bursts open, it's Alphonse standing there, not Edward.

It takes him two seconds to assess the scene and two more seconds for him to be at Winry's side.

"Winry!"

The younger Elric brother gives her a look that wars between disbelief and accusation.

"What have you done?"

Noah shrinks back.

_Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I didn't…_

But she did.

The blood on her hands is damning.

She did it.

…...

"Winry?" Al's voice reaches her through the haze of pain.

Her side… her side is on fire.

And Noah…

She can't help the whine that emerges.

The whine turns into a strangled cry when strong arms lift her gently off the floor.

The pain flares until it feels like it's eating her up from the inside. She's burning alive.

"Oh, gosh, Winry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

 _It's okay,_ she wants to tell him. _It's okay._

But the words won't come. It's hard enough to breathe.

"Winry, just breathe, okay? Just breathe. Please. Just breathe."

Al sounds afraid.

Winry wants to reach up, to tell him not to worry. That everything will be alright.

But everything hurts. Her voice doesn't seem to be working and, when she tries to, she can't manage it.

For once, she's not sure it's going to be alright.

…… 

"Let me see her."

Mei kneels beside Alphonse. She's kicked the scissors away, unwilling to touch them, but unwilling to leave them where they are.

She's unsure if Noah still poses a threat, though she doesn't think so, but she isn't going to take a chance and leave them within easy reach.

After that, she's barely spared Noah a second glance.

Noah is cowering in the corner, knees pulled to her chest. Her eyes have never left her blood-stained hands.

Alphonse holds Winry cradled in his arms. Blood has already stained his own sleeves.

Mei reaches out and touches his arm.

"Alphonse," she says softly.

He looks at her. His mouth opens.

Before he can speak, a new figure in the doorway catches her eye.

Ed stands frozen in the doorway, face pale and eyes wide.

Mei works the muscles in her throat.

"Ed…"

…… 

There's a moment that passes where Ed can't move. He can't even breathe.

His eyes are glued to the bloodstained figure cradled in his brother's arm. The blonde head and pale face resting in the crook of his elbow.

"Winry?" He doesn't recognize his own voice. "No."

Al looks stricken. "Brother…"

He crosses the room and drops to his knees.

 _She looks so still_. _Too much blood stains her side._

"Winry?"

Trembling hands reach out to take his brother's burden.

Al holds her a little tighter, looking pained.

"Brother…"

Ed looks pleadingly at his brother.

"Al, please…"

He needs to hold her.

"Maybe we shouldn't move her…"

"But you already have! Alphonse, you have to…!"

His voice is shaking.

"Edward." Mei's voice cuts in.

When Ed doesn't respond, eyes glued to his brother, to Winry, Mei grabs his shoulder.

"Edward, look at me!"

He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to take his eyes away from Winry even for a second.

Reluctantly, he looks at her.

Her eyes are bright with sympathy.

"She's alive," she says. "I can help her."

"Alkahestry."

Mei nods and Ed backs away from Winry, allowing Mei to take his place.

"How…?" he starts, but doesn't finish.

Bloodied scissors… Blood smeared across the floor...

Ed turns his head to the figure huddled against the wall. She had barely registered in the back of his mind when he had rushed in the room.

If he hadn't already been certain, then the blood that still stains her hands would have been damning enough.

The pieces are connecting in his mind and, once they do, disbelief is replaced by cold, hard anger.

Winry has been _stabbed._

When he had been woken up by the clatter upstairs, what he had heard had been Winry fighting for her _life._

Noah had tried to kill her and Ed can't fathom why. Winry has done nothing to her.

_Nothing._

"Ed…" Al seems to realize where his mind is going, but Ed ignores him.

He climbs to his feet and stalks toward her.

Noah raises her head and there's a dull fear present in her eyes.

Her mouth drops open, but she says nothing.

He stands over her, fists clenched by his side.

Noah stares up at him, but she makes no move to stand. There are tear tracks standing out on her cheeks, but Ed feels no pity for her.

He feels sick.

" _Ed!"_ Al sounds a little more forceful now.

"It's okay, Al," Ed says, quietly. "I just have to report an attempted murder."

…… 

Noah yelps as she's dragged to her feet, but she doesn't make another sound as Ed pulls her from the room.

In the hallway, she comes to and, with a growl from between clenched teeth, she claws at his arm.

"Let go of me!" she hisses.

Ed's reaction is instantaneous. He spins around, slamming her against the wall by her shoulders.

"Don't you dare!" he snaps, eyes blazing.

Noah has never seen him this angry before and now, as she shrinks back against the wall, she realizes that she's afraid of him.

"After what you did… I have no time for any of this crap from you, Noah. Do you have any idea…?"

" _You don't understand!"_ Noah almost shrieks at him.

Ed must be surprised by her outburst because his hands fall away from her shoulders and he takes a step back.

Sobs wrack her body and she tugs at her hair, digging her fingers into her scalp.

"You don't understand," she whimpers pathetically. "You don't…"

Ed regards her unsympathetically.

"What don't I understand, Noah?" he asks coldly. "You _attacked_ Winry. You tried to kill her! And you think I don't understand? You think I give a damn about _understanding_ right now?"

He has her pinned up against the wall again before she can cringe away.

She's startled to see tears shining in his own eyes.

"She did _nothing_ to you. For the love of...You _stabbed_ her!"

Noah turns her head away, shoulders shaking.

Her chest heaves and she shakes her head.

"I didn't…" It's becoming hard for her to breathe.

_I didn't mean to!_

She wants to scream at him, but there's a voice ringing in her ears. A reminder that this would all be so much easier if Winry was gone and she knows… she knows why she did it.

_You did. You did. You did._

"You don't…"

Ed just looks at her. Something twists across his face, like the sight of her makes him physically ill.

It's maddening. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"No, Noah," he says and it's like the fire has been drained out of him, leaving nothing behind but cold, empty disgust. "You don't understand. You're jealous. That's it, isn't it?"

"N-no," Noah stammers. She falls to her knees and Ed steps back.

"You don't understand what love is."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was done earlier than I thought it would be, but I withheld it for a few days because I wasn't satisfied with it. I'm still not sure I'm 100% okay with it, but I can't keep it from you guys forever.  
> If it comes down to it, if something really bothers me, I can fix it later. (On that note, I did edit both chapters six and seven so that they flow a little smoother. Nothing much changed storywise though.)  
> That being said, I know I haven't reached out to thank you for your reviews and please don't take that to mean that I haven't read them or don't appreciate you guys, because I do. I know it sounds cheesy, but each one of them makes me smile.  
> This chapter is a bit softer after all the ugliness in the last two.

Resembool has a small jail, if it can even be called that. 

Rarely ever in use, it was generally used to hold anyone who might be deemed troublesome enough for the military to transport elsewhere.

Whatever the cause, Resembool just wasn’t a place that held much criminal activity. 

He doesn’t think the jail has held more than one inmate at a time. 

Ed saw it once. He, Al and Winry had snuck out there when they were younger, convinced that it was haunted. It was a decrepit old building- and it had done nothing to change their convictions that it was haunted. 

And rather than wasting resources on maintaining a military presence in a town with such a low crime rate, the government had left law enforcement and peacekeeping duties in the hands of the town residents.

The most military presence they’d seen ever was during the Ishvalan civil war. 

He doesn’t think they’ve seen anything as serious as an attempted murder before.

Ed isn’t sure if that’s changed in the two years he’s been gone. The government would have been in shambles after Father’s defeat and the discovery that Amestris as a nation was just the foundation for one large human sacrifice. 

Ed replaces the phone in its cradle without making the call.

Noah is seated at the kitchen table, her face buried in her arms. 

Her hands…

“Wash the blood off,” he tells her. 

Slowly, she raises her head and looks at him blankly. 

“You heard me,” he says, irritated. “Wash the blood off your hands.”

He wonders if that’s a bad idea- the blood will count as evidence. But there’s enough of it on her clothes to indict her if it comes to that and… it makes him sick.

It’s hard enough to look at her, knowing what she did, without feeling that pit in his stomach. He wants to lash out, to strike, his anger demanding an outlet. 

The threat is over, but it’s hard to rid himself entirely of the urge to defend. 

She obeys him but her movements are stiff and mechanical.

He hasn’t taken his hand off the phone and now he finds himself taking it from its receiver once more. 

There’s a note left by the phone, written in Winry’s looping hand.

_ Just in case you ever need it… _ is written, followed by a number. 

Sig… He’ll want to know. Never mind that it’s still the middle of the night. 

Ed’s fingers tremble as he starts to dial and he wonders how he’ll find the words to tell him. He stops mid-dial. 

_ Mustang… _

He’s not sure why the man’s name is the one to come to mind. 

He can’t… he can’t just call him. He’s rebuilding Ishval. He’s… busy. He doesn’t have time to hear from Ed.

He’s got better things to worry about.

Ed closes his eyes and tries to ignore how shaky he feels. He resumes dialing and holds the receiver to his ear.

He clutches it tighter when someone picks up.

“Hello?”

Ed releases a breath. 

“Hey, Sig…”

…...

Sealing up the wound and preventing any more loss of blood is what’s most important, but he and Mei spent some time alchemically probing to learn the extent of the internal damage. 

She’s gotten off lucky. There’s some tears on the inside, but it’s nothing that won’t knit back together when Mei uses her alkahestry.

The biggest concern is blood loss.

Alkahestry can repair flesh and mend broken bones, but it can’t replace lost blood. 

Al holds tight to Winry’s hand.

“Alphonse,” Mei says quietly. Her hands are placed at the edge of the transmutation circle. 

Al understands and lowers her hand to her side, inching back.

Mei activates the circle. There’s a flash of light that’s over in a second. 

She prods gently at Winry’s side and then looks to Al. 

“I don’t want to leave her on the floor. Let’s try to move her to the bed.”

Al hesitates. He’s had two years to grow stronger, but he’s not quite sure he’s strong enough to lift Winry to the bed without hurting her.

Maybe he and Mei together could manage it, but… if they can’t and it  _ does  _ end up hurting Winry further.

“Right,” he says. “You stay with her, Mei.” He climbs to his feet. “I’m going to go get Ed.”

…… 

Downstairs, Noah is at the table, face buried in her arms- the very picture of misery.

In spite of himself, Al feels a twinge of pity for her.

Ed stands with both hands on the counter. The telephone is off its cradle, lying next to his hand. His shoulders are slumped and his head hangs. 

like he hasn’t moved in a while. 

“Brother…” Al says and it’s impossible to keep the heartache out of his tone. 

When Ed raises his head, Al sees the look of haunted fear in his eyes and realizes what he’s assumed.

“She’s okay, Ed,” he reassures him. “But… we just… She needs to be moved to the bed. I’m afraid of hurting her.”

Noah raises her head and looks right at him. Tear tracks stain her cheeks and her eyes are red-rimmed. 

She looks like she’s at least made an attempt to wash the blood from her hands. Even from where he stands in the doorway, however, he can still see the blood left crusted and flaking on her fingers.

Al’s gut twists.

The same blood stains his hands and sleeves and the floor upstairs. 

He shifts uncomfortably and looks away from her. His hand brushes against the wall.

Ed is already hurrying forward, but Al grasps him by the wrist before he can pass, stopping him.

“What…?” Ed turns to look at him. 

“She… There’s some blood loss, Ed. The wound is sealed and… and she’s out of danger, but she’s going to need to take it easy.”

Ed’s face tightens in understanding and Al releases him to stand back and out of his way. 

“Wait, Al.” Ed calls him back before he can take his place. Al pauses. “I called Sig. He should be on his way.”

Al nods. “Okay.”

“And… thank you, Al. For everything.”

Al manages a smile. “Go to her, Ed.”

…

Winry still looks frighteningly pale when Ed reaches the room, but she’s conscious at least. It’s hard not to be affected by the sight of the blood that’s still present, but he knows the wound is sealed shut and that she won’t be losing anymore.

He reminds himself of Al’s words- she’s out of danger.

She smiles wearily when she sees him, head resting in Mei’s lap. “Ed…”

He kneels beside her. “Hey,” he says softly. His vision swims and he wipes at his eyes with the back of his fist. 

Winry notices. “Looks like this time I’m the one who made  _ you _ cry, Ed,” she whispers.

Ed gives her a watery smile. “Yeah.”

Mei passes her hand over Winry’s forehead, brushing sweat-dampened hair to the side. 

Winry’s eyes flutter and a sigh passes her lips.

There’s a tenderness in the act, reminiscent of one sister caring for the other. 

“We’ll lift you to the bed,” Mei says. Her other hand is clasping Winry’s.

She looks at Ed and he takes that as the go-ahead. 

As gently as he can manage, he slides his arms around her, one hand going under her knees and the other slips around to support her back. 

Winry’s eyes slide shut and she lets out a soft breath, but she doesn’t appear to be in any pain, and so Ed climbs to his feet with painstaking slowness. 

Mei stays by his side the entire time. 

Maybe at another time, it would have annoyed him, but right now they’re bound together by mutual worry for someone they love. 

He lays her on the bed before dropping slowly to his knees so he can be more level with her.

“Do you need anything? Water? Food? Are you hungry?”

Winry’s eyes flicker to look at him.

“Some water, please.”

Wordlessly, Mei gets up and leaves to fulfill the request. 

Winry’s eyes are still closed, but her hand shifts., fingers twitching. 

He takes her hand and she clutches at it tightly. 

“Ed…” Her eyes open. “Noah… what?” Her voice trembles. “ _ Why?” _ The shaking becomes more violent and she shuts her eyes against the tears. “I don’t understand. What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, Winry,” Ed says softly. His insides are quivering with a barely suppressed rage and he’s grateful that Alphonse is the one downstairs with Noah. He… can’t be in the same room as her. Not right now. Maybe never again. He won’t ever forget the raw fear that encompassed him when he realized what had happened. Nor will he forget the sight of Winry, pale and bloodstained, in his brother’s arms. “This was all on her.”

He gives her hand a comforting squeeze. “She won’t hurt you again.”

Winry is silent, processing that.

Then, still tearful, her eyes seek out Ed’s again. “But…” She clutches at his shirt with her free hand, struggling to pull herself up.

“Winry, that might not be a good idea,” Ed cautions, but he helps her anyway. Her wound is sealed- there’s no risk of anything reopening. 

He levers himself onto the bed beside her and she leans into his side. Automatically, his free arm slides around her waist, holding her close. 

Faint tremors still rack her frame.

Ed turns his head, nose brushing her hair, offering what silent support he can.

“I’m okay,” she says weakly. “It’s just… The shock of it all, I guess.” She tries to laugh, but it sounds painfully forced and ends in a cough.

Her hand drifts down to her side and brushes against the blood.

She winces. 

“I should... probably change this, shouldn’t I?” she says.

Ed’s lips twitch just a little. “Probably,” he agrees. 

Neither one of them moves. 

The danger might be over but the desperate, primal need to hold on to one another remains. 

They came so close tonight and Ed… Ed can’t lose anyone else. 

Mom, Hughes, Hohenheim. And… and now Teacher.

He can’t let Winry be added to that list.

Winry’s head comes to rest on his shoulder.

Ed wraps his arms tighter around her, chin resting on the top of her head.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There came a point in this story where I suddenly realized I hadn't plotted further than chapter eleven and had only vague ideas about what would happen afterwards. The result was a slower update, I'm sorry.

“What are you doing?” Mei stares at them, aghast. “Winry, you’re supposed to be resting!”

Ed sighs. “Just give her the water, Mei.”

He’s tired. They’re both so tired.

Every ounce of him feels drained.

Mei looks annoyed with him, but she hands it to her regardless. 

Winry accepts it carefully.

“Thank you.” Winry smiles, but it’s a tired smile. It doesn’t reach her eyes and is so different from how she usually is, so full of light, that Ed feels a twinge in his gut. 

Mei kneels on the ground, glancing at Winry’s nightdress.

“I can help you change out of this,” she says softly. 

Winry’s fingers brush the bloodied tear in her dress and she grimaces.

Her eyes flutter shut and she leans into Ed’s arms a little further with a tiny sigh.

“Please,” is all she says, too tired by the sound of it for it to come out as anything other than a whisper. 

For the sake of her modesty, Ed leaves the room without any question.

They may love each other, but neither one of them is ready for anything like… that. Especially after two years apart. He respects her too much to even think of trying to sneak a peek. 

He waits outside in the hall, hands jammed in the pockets of his sweats, and scowls at nothing.

_ This is your fault. _

The thought is unbidden, but once it’s crept into his mind- much like the proverbial ringing of the bell- he can’t unthink it.

This is his fault.

He brought Noah here. He failed to see the warning signs. 

His back hits the wall and he slides heavily to the floor. 

This is his fault.

He hadn’t seen… He hadn’t been vigilant. 

There had to have been warning signs. He had missed them, hadn’t he? 

Noah had been quiet. 

But none of that indicated violence, had it?

Had he just missed it?   
Ed runs through his memories of Noah, trying to pinpoint that  _ one moment _ if there ever had been one.

There had to have been something. 

Ever since they had arrived safely through the Portal, they had been distant with each other, but that had to be expected. 

Ed had been angry,  _ devastated _ after her betrayal on the other side had nearly granted the Thule a foothold in his own world. 

He had thought they had trusted each other. Only for it to turn out that Noah was acting as the Thule’s puppet all along. 

The Thule had been hellbent on dominating not only their world, but Amestris as well. 

She had read his mind once that he knew of, that first day they met. But the transmutation circle needed to open the Gate- there had been no way for the Thule to know about that.

Ed had known what that had meant- that Noah had invaded his mind to bring it to them. He just hadn’t known when. 

But none of that had suggested  _ violence. _

He buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.

Winry… 

Winry deserves answers. 

She deserves to know why she was stabbed. 

Ed’s hand fists at his side. 

He told her once before he wouldn’t keep secrets from her- not when they involved her.

It was their promise to each other. 

It’s up to him to see to it that it remains fulfilled. 

…… 

Alphonse sits across from her.

Noah still won’t look at him.

Which, Alphonse thinks, won’t do at all.

“Hey,” he says quietly. His hands twist in his lap- he won’t pretend that this isn’t uncomfortable for him, not even when he’s the only one he has to fool- but he won’t look away from her either.

He doesn’t know what happened between Ed and Noah on the other side of the Gate, but he knows his brother.

Ed is hardheaded and sometimes harsh, but he isn’t cruel. And he never would have brought someone home with him if he thought that individual would endanger Winry.

Noah twitches at the sound of his voice, but she doesn’t raise her head. 

“Your name is Noah, isn’t it?” he tries again.

She still won’t answer him. 

Al thinks of Winry lying upstairs, alive. He thinks of walking in to find her on the floor, covered in her own blood.

He can’t take it anymore.

“ _ Why?” _ He clenches his fists, and stands. His chair scrapes against the floor as it’s pushed back. 

Noah flinches at his sudden movement.

“Why?” he asks again and his voice trembles with the force of his own emotions. “Why did you do it?”

When she looks up at him, her face is almost expressionless.

Al takes a step back, disturbed by the emptiness he sees there. 

She had been in tears when he first stepped in the room. 

She smiles.

“He loved her,” she says. Like it’s simple enough to figure out. 

Al swallows down his horror. 

“That’s not a good reason,” he says. His hands have started shaking. 

There’s never a good reason to hurt an innocent human being, but that… The perceived slight is so  _ minimal. _

Al has no words.

She seems so at peace with her actions now. Until her face crumbles again and she brings a hand to her mouth.

“He didn’t see me,” she says, sounding suddenly desperate. Her eyes plead with Alphonse. “He didn’t understand that I had no choice!”

Al doesn’t know what she’s talking about, if it’s Winry or if it’s whatever happened when they were in her world.

In the end, does it matter?

“There’s always a choice.”

His voice is barely a whisper. He feels numb inside with the horror of it all. 

“Not for me.” She shakes her head.

“That’s not true.”

Shakily, Al pulls the chair back to the table and convinces himself to sit back down. 

Too disturbed for another attempt at talking to her, he says nothing. 

Ed has said that he called Sig. 

Al can only hope that the man has some idea of what to do because he doesn’t.

…… 

“It’s okay now,” Mei announces softly, interrupting his thoughts. 

Ed turns his head.

Mei looks distinctly uncomfortable by the sight of Ed shaking on the floor in the hallway.

She has Winry’s soiled dress in her arms. It’s folded carefully to keep him from seeing the blood. 

Ed wonders distractedly what they’ll do with it. 

Probably destroy it. 

It would be a simple enough matter for Alphonse to transmute the fabric back together and the bloodstains out of it. 

He lets go of a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. 

It’s Winry’s decision.

They’ll let her decide when… when she’s ready.

There’s a thickness in his throat that wasn’t there before. He’s getting choked up again,

Hurriedly, he wipes the back of his hand against his eyes. 

Mei clears her throat, snapping his attention back to her. 

The muscles in her throat work and he sees the wheels turning behind her eyes. Like she’s trying to work out what best to say to him, how best to comfort him.

When she ultimately says nothing, Ed is glad. 

He isn’t the one who needs her comforting words. He doesn’t think he deserves them. 

Besides,  _ Winry  _ is the one who got stabbed. Any comfort to be had should be offered to her. 

Although- he rubs his hand over the scar in his abdomen when his scar cries out in memory of a pain from years ago- he does know what it feels like. 

He climbs to his feet and Mei steps aside, allowing him to move past her and into the room. 

Winry is seated again, arms wrapped around herself. She’s still far too pale and Ed frowns, but of course, the effects of blood loss aren’t going to go away immediately. She still needs time to heal.

Ed shifts uncomfortably, keeping his arm around Winry’s shoulder.

“Mei?” he says quietly and waits till the girl turns questioning eyes to him. “I promised Winry once before that I wouldn’t keep secrets from her, but… I think it would be better if you were here to help me explain things.”

Now Winry is looking at him, eyes wide. “Ed…”

Mei looks pained, but she nods.

“Ed, what are you…?” 

She needs to know why she was hurt. She doesn’t deserve to be haunted by the  _ whys _ of the situation.

That’s something Ed won’t allow. 

“Winry,” he says heavily. 

And he begins. 

…… 

“So this world is hurting her.” 

Winry’s words are quietly spoken, but they still pierce Ed’s heart like an arrow.

If he had thought that coming clean would lighten the burden of guilt on his shoulders, he’s been proven wrong.

The words taste sour in his mouth. 

He doesn’t want her feeling like anyone has an excuse for hurting her. He doesn’t want her thinking he feels that way.

They don’t.

He doesn’t.

If things had gone differently, Winry would be dead.

That thought alone is enough to make him lose his breath.

Ed doesn’t have the right to absolve Noah of this new wrongdoing- even if he had been inclined to do so. 

Only Winry can offer her forgiveness and that’s something he won’t be pressuring from her.

She’ll be making that decision.

In her own time. 

And maybe, when that time comes, he can find it in himself to forgive her too.

But not a moment before.

Mei sounds about as miserable as he feels when she answers, “I think so.”

It’s far too easy for the anger to flare again and he welcomes it with open arms. 

“It’s not an excuse,” he says tightly. “Winry… what she did to you…”

“No,” Mei agrees. “It’s not.”

She’s glaring hard at the floor, hand fisting against her knee. 

“I…” 

Winry’s eyes well up with tears and she buries herself against Ed’s chest with such force that it catches him off guard. Her fingers catch hold of his shirt- the fabric twisted in her white-knuckled grasp- and her frame is wracked with sobs.

Ed holds her close. 

Something fierce and protective bubbles up inside him, demanding his attention. It’s an order for him to do something, but there’s nothing for him to do, no physical monster for him to fight against. 

That’s not what Winry needs right now, he realizes. She needs him to be here for her and that’s what he’s going to do.

Distractedly, he’s aware of Mei excusing herself, giving them privacy. 

“I can’t right now,” Winry says softly. Her fingers clench again, bunching the material of Ed’s shirt in her fist. “It’s too much to think about.”

“I’m sorry,” Ed says wretchedly. 

She’s the most important person in the world to him. 

And all he’s done is make her hurt worse. 

He feels the shudder that runs through her frame.

“Don’t,” she says, breath hitching. “Please. Thank you for… for telling me the truth.”

She laughs, a thin, broken sound. Her hand pulls away from Ed’s shirt to wipe at her eyes and she sits a little straighter. 

Ed adjusts his position to keep his arm around her.

“I’m sorry. I’ve cried again.”

It’s self-deprecating in a way Ed doesn’t think it should be and it makes his heart clench in his chest. 

“Winry…” He tugs her closer, resting his chin in the nest of her hair. A sick feeling twists inside of him.

Does she really think that’s something she needs to apologize for?

“What are you talking about? This isn’t something you have to apologize for, damnit!”

His lip trembles and the back of his eyes burn. 

He strokes his hand through her hair. 

“See what you’ve made me do?” he says fondly. “Now I’m crying too.”

She giggles just a little at that. It’s just faintly hysterical. 

She tugs at his sleeve then.

“Stay with me. Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mei's characterisation has been... tricky. She's older and more mature here than she is in canon, so I'm trying to write that, while also keeping her within her character parameter's. It's harder than it has any right to be. Or maybe I'm just being nitpicky. I don't know.  
> I was worried that Winry was too weepy- she's a strong girl after all. And then I gave myself a mental slap. Because... Arakawa does such a marvelous job at turning the whole idea that women and tears is somehow weak and a good portion of Winry's strength comes from the fact that she's not afraid of her emotions. She owns them.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry this took me so long. The good news though is that I did take the time to map out the rest of this fic and I have a clear ending in mind. There's still some rough patches, but it's no longer a bunch of vague ideas floating around in my head. And I'm no longer torn between two different endings.  
> Life got in the way of things and I've been working on quite a few different stories- I've got an Edwin one-shot in the works- it's angsty, but nobody's being stabbed, so... that's a step up? I guess? Lol!

“What are we going to do?” 

Winry’s voice is a soft rasp. She sounds like speaking out loud pains her and maybe it does.

Ed’s stomach does another turn.

They lie together, hands clasped. 

It’s the first words that have been spoken in… well, Ed doesn’t exactly know how long it’s been, but it’s been a while. 

Ed swallows back the painful knot in his throat. He knows what Winry is asking about.

Noah.

What are they going to do about Noah?

Even after everything that happened, she’s still asking after other people.

After the one who hurt her.

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. “She can’t… she can’t stay here.”

It’s unthinkable. 

It’s dangerous.

Even if he’s certain there’s no way Noah could ever lay another finger on Winry again. He won’t have Winry under the same roof as the woman who tried to murder her in her sleep. 

Winry makes a non-committal noise in the back of her throat, knees curling to her chest. Her head dips forward and she tucks herself against Ed’s chest.

His hand moves to cup the back of her head and he holds her. 

* * *

When the light rap sounds at the door, Al welcomes the excuse to leave the table almost guiltily. 

“Sig!” he cries upon seeing the large man on the doorstep. “I’m sorry. I know it’s late, but…” 

He steps back, allowing Sig to enter.

Sig has to duck his head to avoid hitting it on the way in. 

“Edward said Winry had been hurt.” The words are practically growled out. The glare shot his way is enough to make him stumble back a step. 

“Y-yes,” Al stammers out. He swallows hard. 

As large as a bear and about as dangerous, Sig has always managed to be intimidating by presence alone. 

Deceptive, because the real danger had always been Teacher, lithe and subtle as a tiger. 

“She was stabbed by… um…” He glances back at the table where Noah is seated. 

Sig follows his gaze, lip curling. 

“Where’s your brother?”

“With Winry,” Al answers hastily. “He’s… he’s with Winry.”

Sig’s face softens fractionally. 

“I know Brother doesn’t usually like to ask for help,” Al says softly, finding it harder to meet Sig’s gaze now, “but he wouldn’t have called you unless he really needed it. I…” Again, his gaze flickers to the table and he drops his voice, “I don’t think he knows what to do about Noah.”

Or something else, Al thinks, but doesn’t say out loud. 

Part of him wonders if Ed is afraid of what he himself might do. He saw the look on Ed’s face…

Sig reaches out, ruffling his hair and Al yelps softly in surprise. The gesture is as gruff as it is comforting. 

“We’ll figure out what to do,” Sig grunts. 

* * *

Mei sets a pot to boil on the stove for tea. 

Her hair is down in loose strands and she’s pale, lack of sleep casting dark shadows on her face, but she hasn’t complained once.

Four mugs are set on the counter and Al’s not sure if the fourth is intended to be for Noah or for Ed when and if he comes down. 

The kettle comes to a boil and she lifts it off the stove with one hand, twirling a strand of black hair around a finger with the other. 

She fills the mugs and leaves them to steep, setting the kettle to the side. The tea will help settle their nerves.

She comes to sit beside Al with a heavy sigh. 

Al reaches out and grips her hand firmly in a silent show of support. 

Mei squeezes back.

It’s Sig who finally breaks the silence, pushing back his chair with a soft screech. Without saying a word, he’s effectively demanded their attention. 

The only one who doesn’t look up is Noah, though Al surmises that she must be listening to them with some amount of interest.

They  _ are  _ discussing what to do with her after all. 

It feels so callous. 

Any guilt Al might have felt at taking her agency away has already been washed away by what she’s done to Winry. 

He’s changed, washed the blood from his arms and hands, but he can’t erase it from his memory.

Noah no longer has a say.    
Sig crosses his arms, rocks back once in his chair, and then settles himself. 

“You’re trying to decide what to do?”

“Yes.” Al nods, flushing. He shuts his eyes and massages his forehead with his free hand. “Prison has to be an option, but… maybe Resembool isn’t the best option. The jail’s pretty much never in use.”  _ It’s never been a place to hold attempted murderers either. _ Al’s not even sure there’s been an attempted murder in Resembool before. Not outside of military presence and the Ishvalan civil war. “Central’s always an option.”

Mei makes a little sound in the back of her throat. It’s enough to catch their attention. __

When Al gives her a questioning look, her lips thin and she shakes her head, like she’s rethought what she wanted to say and decided against it.

Al frowns. 

“She came from this… other world,” Sig says slowly, sounding out the words. It’s not a question. Al knows he doesn’t doubt their story.

His wife had tried to transmute their dead child. She saw the Gate. Maybe they didn’t know about the presence of the other world, but… well, how could anyone be entirely sure of what they were dealing with when it came to the Gate and Truth?

A shudder runs through Al’s body.

Theoretically, he  _ should  _ remember some part of getting his body back. He should remember losing Edward.

Except he doesn’t.

That haunts him. 

He remembers waking up on the ground, in his own flesh and blood. 

Their father had been there, Teacher, the Colonel, Hawkeye… Mei had had her arms around him, sobbing into his neck.

Except Edward… wasn’t.

And Al couldn’t remember where he was. In that moment of blinding terror, all he could wonder was… had his brother traded himself for Al?

A life for a life. Soul for a soul. It made sense. __

He had never loathed equivalent exchange as much as he had in that moment. 

“That’s right.” Al nods. He’s a little hesitant, unsure that he should be the one explaining this part of the story. 

He thinks that maybe this should wait for Edward.

But this has been a traumatic night for them all- for Winry most of all.

Winry needs Ed to be there and Al isn’t going to interrupt that. Not for any reason and most certainly not because of his selfish discomfort.

Sig doesn’t request anything further from him, however.

“That brings some complications,” he points out. “She’ll have no documentation.” 

“You’re right.” Al scrubs a hand over his face. 

The fact that this is happening- that they’re seated around the table discussing what to do with this troubled young woman- bothers him immensely. 

_ She tried to murder Winry. Because Ed loved her. _

What sort of reason is that?

It sickens him.

Al finds his gaze once more resting on the young woman from the Gate’s other side. He remembers what Mei said- how much of her is actually responsible for what happened to Winry?

A knot forms in his throat at that uncomfortable thought.

“You have connections in Central,” Sig points out. “In which case, documentation might not be much of an issue.”

He looks hard at Al. 

Al squirms in his seat.

That… that feels too much like making someone disappear. Even if that person is almost a murderer.

Pulling favors to make something like that happen… it doesn’t sit right with him for a lot of reasons. 

But- she can’t stay here. Not after what she did. Not to Winry.

He… he doesn’t know what else to do. 

When he speaks next, his voice is shaky. 

“Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor baby Al. There's so much pressure on him. He wants to do the right thing, but it's complicated.  
> This chapter is pretty much Sig earning his tags over on AO3, too, lmao!  
> I ended up cutting a scene from the end here. It didn't fit with the emotional tone of the rest of this chapter, but I think it can work for the next chapter. If not, it will find a place somewhere else. It's kind of an important conversation. It just needs to happen... later.  
> Anyways, I hope this update finds you all well.


	16. Chapter 16

Alphonse pulls Mei aside afterwards. He’d noticed that she looked like she had her own input before apparently thinking the better of it. 

If she has something she’d like to say, he wants to give her an opportunity to say it but he’s not going to put her on the spot in front of Sig. 

“Mei,” he says quietly, “you looked like you wanted to say something.”

Mei’s eyes slide sideways, like she’s considering dodging the question.

Al really hopes she doesn’t.

“I didn’t think now was the right time to say it,” she tells him, uncertain. “I don’t know if…”

“Please, Mei.” Al exhales shakily. 

What Sig had suggested… He’s not really sure what to make of it. 

He understands the necessity of consequences. 

Sig is right. Theoretically, they have enough connections in the government to quietly arrange for her incarceration. 

It might be easier than makes Al comfortable, considering the state of the Amestrian government before… everything. 

Trying someone with no documentation presents a challenge. He supposes forging some sort of documents is always an option… 

It seems like no matter which direction they choose, this case will be rife with dishonesty. 

But while he doesn’t like it, he understands that maybe it might be the only choice here. 

Noah can’t stay in this house. 

He won’t have Winry facing the woman who tried to murder her while she’s still recovering. 

“I… I think I could really use your input here.”

“I just…” Mei finally says, hands twisting together. She looks down at her feet, but Al can still see the dark blush that spreads across her face. “I wondered if maybe there was still something we could do to help her. But after what she did to Winry… I don’t know, Alphonse. What are we supposed to do?”

He reaches out, fingers brushing against her shoulder.

“I know. I know exactly how that feels,” he says. His voice is shakier than he might have liked. 

Mei turns away, hand covering her mouth. “Oh, Alphonse, I’m sorry! I knew this was a bad time! I wasn’t… I wasn’t trying to make this worse.”

She looks so genuinely distressed that Alphonse almost trips over himself trying to reassure her. 

“No, Mei!” He grabs her shoulders gently, spinning her around. “Please don’t apologize.”

Swallowing is hard. His throat feels thick. 

Anger is never a comfortable emotion, but he… he knows he’s angry now. 

With the situation. With  _ Noah _ .

Uncomfortably, he realizes that a part of him is even angry at Ed.

But that… that isn’t fair, is it?

This isn’t Ed’s fault. He can’t hold Ed responsible for it. 

He just… he doesn’t know what to do. 

And that makes him feel very, very small. 

Her hand slips into his, fingers squeezing his. 

Ed comes down when the sun has just barely started climbing over the horizon.

“You idiot.” Sig cuffs him about the ears, but the blow is soft and his tone is fond. “What are you thinking, calling me in the middle of the night?”

Ed’s attempt at a smile falls utterly flat and he rubs the back of his neck.

“I… Sig, I’m sorry.”

Sig opts to ignore the apology for now. 

“Why don’t we go sit on the porch?” 

Ed hesitates a moment, before nodding slowly, much to Sig’s satisfaction.

He leads the way, opening the door and letting Ed out ahead of him. Ed seats himself and Sig settles himself down beside him. 

“Izumi was proud of you.” Talking about his wife… It’s painful, but it seems to be the right opening for this conversation. “When she…” His eyes burn and he has to stop to compose himself, otherwise he might break down here and now. “When she realized she was going to die,” he says, “it was her… biggest regret. That she would go without telling you how proud of you she was.”

Ed jerks. 

Sig catches a flash of startled gold eyes and then the young man’s face is buried in his hands. Ed’s shoulders tremble and it isn’t long before a muffled sob reaches Sig’s ears.

Hesitantly- expressing physical affection was never his strong point- he reaches out and wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him to his chest.

It’s an action that feels awkward and unfamiliar, but it’s what his wife would have done. 

Ed goes with the embrace, leaning heavily against him.

After a moment, Ed ducks under Sig’s arm and pulls away.

“I don’t know what to do, Sig,” he confesses quietly. He keeps his head down, hair falling like a curtain to cover his face. “I messed up. I didn’t… I didn’t pay enough attention and now Winry…”

“Stop.”

This line of self-deprecation won’t solve anything. 

Ed stops. 

Sig’s hand hover uncertainly in the air before coming to rest on the kid’s shoulder.

He’s so young. With everything that’s happened- it’s far too easy to forget that. 

The kid is only eighteen and already he’s been through so much.

It isn’t fair, but Sig already knows that the world doesn’t play fair. 

“Self-pity doesn’t become you, Edward,” he says gruffly. His tone softens. “What would Izumi have to say to that?”

“She’d probably kick my butt,” Ed mutters. 

In spite of the situation, in spite of the tears that he  _ knows  _ are shining at the corners of his eyes, Sig has to smile fondly. 

“Yeah, she would.”

There’s an uncomfortable moment of silence between them as Ed processes that. 

“This isn’t what she would have wanted.”

“No,” Sig concedes, “it’s not. But she would tell you to take the steps to fix it.”

“I know.” Ed’s moment of vulnerability is over. There’s a hard light in his eyes when he straightens his spines, jaw setting. “ I know… I just…” 

His shoulders slump, bravado fading just as quickly as it appeared. 

It would be a lie if Sig said he ever felt like he was cut out for this. 

He wasn’t father material. 

(But he had been willing to try for his and Izumi’s child.)

“I keep thinking about what I could have done differently to prevent this. It’s not fair that Winry has to get hurt because of my own screwups.”

There’s a tightness in his chest and Ed finds it difficult to raise his eyes above his knees. 

He’d thought he was being kind when he let Noah stay with them. She didn’t have a place to go. Regardless of what she did, how could he throw someone like that on the street? 

He should have drawn the line. He should have paid closer attention.

He should have  _ known  _ she was dangerous. That something like this would happen. 

(He should have been the one taking a pair of scissors to the gut. Him, not Winry.)

“Alphonse and I have already talked about possible solutions.”

_ Possible solutions. _

It sounded so… so crisp and clinical and  _ distant.  _

But, really, was there anything that could appropriately define this mess they were in?

There wasn’t. 

“Al shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Sig grunts, but Ed can’t tell if it’s meant to be in agreement or not. 

“You never learn, do you?” he asks. 

Ed keeps his head down miserably. 

Another moment of silence passes between them. 

It’s broken when Sig rises to his feet and it’s that movement that has Ed finally looking up. 

“Are you expecting anyone else?” 

There’s a wagon approaching from the distance, kicking up a cloud of dust.

Ed squints but it’s impossible to tell who’s driving or who the passengers might be. 

Ed shakes his head. “No. I don’t know who would be visiting now. Winry didn’t mention any friends.”

He has an idea though and he takes a deep breath, stomach fluttering. 

There’s no one else who… 

The passenger comes into view. 

Ed sees dark hair, pale skin.

His eyes go wide.

He stands, ignoring the shakiness in his legs. 

“It’s the Colonel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral dilemmas are tough. Poor Al. The boys are going to have to talk this over together.  
> I really needed a soft Sig moment. It was... really important to me.  
> Also! I'm so excited to be bringing in Roy! And Riza! Because of course she's coming too. Ed's just focused on Roy.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first off, this wasn't supposed to take almost a month. I'm so sorry. I didn't have internet access for a while and then I had to think about how I wanted this chapter to go. It added up and I am so, so sorry about that.  
> This is a shoutout to my absolutely incredible best friend, Meritt, who drew the unbelievably gorgeous cover art for this story as a birthday gift. Thank you so much!  
> Some implied Royai in here, but nothing overt.  
> Warning: Some creepy behaviour and non-consensual kissing/touching. It's a brief scene at the end of the flashback/italics section, but it's there.

_ Ed sits across from her, his head in his hands. _

_ He sometimes has moments like these, bouts of homesickness that Noah understands. _

_ His world is something she’s only seen through his memories, yet she already feels a deep longing for more. _

_ If it was that beautiful in a mere memory, what must it be like to be there in person? To feel that air on her skin, to breathe it into her lungs. _

_ To see those colors with her own eyes.  _

_ “There has to be something we can do against the Thule,” Ed mutters, more to himself than anything else. “Something I’m missing.” _

_ Noah shifts and keeps her hands folded. She’s used to these mutterings from Edward by now. _

_ If this goes according to plan, there will be no defeating the Thule. But while they won’t be defeated, she’ll have a world where she can be free. _

_ And she’ll have Edward.  _

_ They’ll be free.  _

_ She wants that so badly. She’ll do what she has to in order to make that happen.  _

_ Is that such a bad thing to long for something better than what one has? _ _   
_ _ Noah doesn’t think so.  _

_ It only makes her human.  _

_ She just prays she can be forgiven for her part in what she’s about to do.  _

_ “I know it will be difficult,” she says softly, eyes on her hands, which are folded in her lap. “Maybe even impossible. But we have to try, don’t we? For the sake of both of our worlds.” _

_ Ed holds his hand up, staring at his palm. _

_ “Yeah, you’re right,” he says softly. “Don’t know why I forgot that. Just gotta keep looking at it like that.” _

_ He gives her a small, self-deprecating grin.  _

_ “Thanks for putting me back on track.” _

_ His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.  _

_ From the dark circles under his eyes, Noah knows he hasn’t been sleeping well.  _

_ She’ll get through this part. The Thule will get what they want and in exchange, she’ll have her Shamballa.  _

_ She and Edward will be free to live out their lives together. _

_ The Thule’s victory is inevitable. _

_ That’s what he’ll believe in the end.  _

_ He’ll never be the wiser to what she’s done here.  _

_ Ed shoves his chair back, the legs scraping across the floor, and rises to his feet. _

_ “I’m going to turn in. I’m sorry, Noah.”  _

_ He sounds so old at that moment.  _

_ He stops just before he leaves the room. “Noah.” One hand is resting on the door frame. His head is down. He doesn’t look at her. But she hears a firmness in his voice that she’s missed before. “I’m going to find a way back to my world. And I’m going to take you with me. You won’t have to stay here. I promise.” _

_ She hears his footsteps on the stairs followed by the creaking of floorboards overhead.  _

_ It won’t be long then.  _

_ All she has to do is wait.  _

_ She knows he’s been drinking each night.  _

_ Noah is sure that he didn’t intend for her to know this, but she’s no stranger to alcohol. She’s known people who drank to ease their pain before.  _

_ It’s always a different sort of pain. _

_ In the end, it really just made her job easier.  _

_ She lowers herself back down to the chair, mouth dipping down into a frown as she thinks over Ed’s words.  _

I promise.

_ He has no power to keep that promise.  _

_ She taps her fingers nervously against the wood of the table.  _

_ After several minutes, Noah follows him up the stairs, disappearing in her own room. The house is so still it’s almost eerie and she suppresses a shudder. _

_ Her heart is pounding with nervous energy, yet her muscles feel tight with anticipation. _

_ Noah still remembers the beauty hidden within Edward’s mind.  _

_ That world…  _

_ Even at a glance, it had been so much different than her own. So much brighter. _

_ A world where she can be free. _

_ It will be worth it, won’t it? _

_ She waits outside the door until she’s sure she’s given the drug enough time to take effect.  _

_ Then, she turns the knob and enters the room. Closing the door in her wake, she steps forward. _

_ Ed stirs, mumbling something in his sleep. _

_ Noah freezes, heart racing, before she calms herself. _

_ He won’t wake. He’s too far gone in the drug’s embrace for him to be woken simply by her presence. _

_ She climbs onto the bed with him. Her hands are trembling, palms sweaty, and she almost slips right on top of him.  _

_ Catching herself with a small gasp, she studies his sleeping face. He looks so peaceful in sleep, serene even.  _

_ Without thinking, Noah brushes a lock of hair away from his face. Something painful lodges in her throat and she leans down before she allows it to take over her. _

_ “Give me your secrets,” she murmurs. _

_ Her forehead touches his, hands grasping either side of his face, and she searches.  _

_ The influx of memories is powerful. _

_ It nearly knocks her back with a short-breathed gasp.  _

_ His world, alchemy… _

_ It’s so  _ wonderful.

_ Her heart rate is accelerating by the time she breaks the connection and she stares at the sleeping man beneath her with a newfound awe.  _

_ All of that. _

_ She could  _ have  _ all of that.  _

_ Noah bends over him, lips brushing against his forehead.  _

_ It opens up a longing inside her chest, so fierce and powerful that tears spring to her eyes.  _

_ “Edward…” she says softly, finger trailing down his cheek.  _

_ Ed stirs in his sleep, a whimper passing through parted lips. _

_ Noah freezes reflexively, but she knows not to worry. _

_ The drug is powerful. Or so she’s been told.  _

_ He won’t be waking up. Not until tomorrow morning.  _

_ If he has a headache, well then… that will be something easy enough to blame on the alcohol. _

_ Noah stands, slowly. Reluctantly.  _

_ When she stops at the door, one hand on the frame, turning for one last look at him, she’s not entirely sure if it’s regret she’s feeling. _

_ Or something else. _

Winry wakes alone.

She stirs, hand reaching out for the presence she knows is beside her. Her fingers reach nothing but air.

“Ed?” She opens her eyes. 

There’s a dip in the mattress where he had lain, but he himself is gone. 

Winry sits up. There’s no pain in her side when she does so. Carefully, she runs her fingers over her side. 

There’s nothing. 

No wound. No pain. No blood. 

She can hardly believe it.

Last night- the pain, the shock, the fear… 

It all feels so distant. So unreal. Like it’s something she heard about from someone else. 

That there’s no wound almost seems to confirm that it was all a dream. 

She knows it isn’t. 

She knows.

Winry swings her legs over the side of the bed and stands.

She feels a little lightheaded, but after everything that’s happened, that’s to be expected. 

Quietly, ignoring the minute shakiness in her muscles, she opens her door and makes her way to the stairs. 

“Mei?” She enters the kitchen, still in her nightdress, with her arms wrapped protectively around her middle, in search of the younger girl. 

It’s not Mei in the kitchen, however.

It’s Noah. 

“Colonel,” Ed stammers. 

He’s not sure what to… 

What is he supposed to say?

He hasn’t seen Mustang in  _ years. _

Why is he even  _ here? _ He’s supposed to be rebuilding Ishval. 

Isn’t that more important than this?

Did he really come all the way out here?

“It’s General now,”Mustang corrects him with only the slightest hint of smugness. 

It’s surprising, really, considering the bastard has never really failed in that regard before. 

Ed isn’t left to contemplate that one for long before Mustang is pulling him in for a hug. 

Too startled to put up even a token resistence, Ed allows himself to go limp against the man, arms hanging loosely down by his sides.

It’s a… first. 

Ed has known this man since he was eleven- been a military dog under his command since he was twelve- and yet this is the most affection Mustang has ever displayed.

“It’s good to have you back, Fullmetal.”

Ed’s eyes slide close and he surprises himself by letting himself hug back a little tighter.

“Y-yeah. Good to see you too… General.”

Mustang clears his throat and they back away from each other. For a moment, they regard the other, before Mustang rubs the back of his neck.

“Well, then…” he clears his throat. “Now that that’s settled…”

Before the awkwardness can stretch, Hawkeye steps forward to take his place at Ed’s side.

“It’s good to see you, Edward,” she says warmly, with a hand on his shoulder. 

He returns her smile with a weak one of his own. 

“Oh. Hey. You too, Lieutenant.”

Mustang takes a moment to look him up and down. 

Ed tries hard not to flinch at his critical gaze.

Finally, Mustang tilts his head to the side. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say the past two years have done you well. But that isn’t quite the case, is it?”

Ed flinches. 

“You didn’t come here to be burdened by my problems.” He clenches his fists down at his side and he blurts out the next bit before Mustang can butt in with something stupid. “But I… I need to ask you a favor.”

“Oh.” Winry takes a step back. It’s ridiculous because this is  _ her _ kitchen in  _ her  _ home. Her family has owned this automail shop for generations. 

She shouldn’t be afraid.

She’s  _ not _ afraid.

(Not really.)

But her hand moves to her side anyway.

“I didn’t… realize anyone was here.” 

She aims for a smile, forces a laugh.

It feels fake because it is fake. 

It’s stupid, isn’t it? Because where else would Noah be if not here?

It’s not like she’s alone either.

Alphonse is making eggs at the stove. 

Winry knows that she’s in no danger here. 

Al would never let anything happen to her. 

But she looks at Noah and she remembers the terror of finding herself unable to breathe, the pain of a foreign object plunging into her side. 

When she enters the kitchen, he turns, spatula still scraping the eggs at the bottom of the pan. 

He watches, frowning, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t ask her what she’s doing down here or tell her that she should still be in bed.

He doesn’t treat her like she’s fragile. 

Winry appreciates it. She also knows he’s watching like a hawk. 

Noah stares at her, expressionless.

It’s… unnerving and the smile drops from Winry’s face. The skin prickles along her shoulders and she resists the urge to drop her gaze.

“Um…” Winry takes a shaky breath and then steels herself.

This is her home. She won’t explain her reasons for being here and she certainly won’t apologize for it either.

That doesn’t make Noah’s eyes on her any less unsettling. 

“Winry…” Al says softly, but the sound of his voice still makes her flinch.

Her hand reaches up, fingers curling around her arm defensively.

“I…” Their eyes meet and she opens her mouth to say, “I’m fine,” but Noah cuts in beforehand.

“You,” she says softly, voice trembling. Whether from rage or some other emotion, Winry doesn’t know. “You took everything from me.”

“What?” Winry says weakly. A tremor runs across her frame. “I don’t…”

Noah’s bottom lip trembles and she looks away, tears leaking down her cheeks. 

“That’s enough!” The spatula hits the stovetop with a clatter and before Winry has a moment to process what’s happening, Alphonse is at her side. His hand settles protectively on her shoulder. “Winry didn’t take anything from you, Noah.”

The room is spinning around her, objects fading in and out of focus, and it takes Winry a moment to realize that she’s hyperventilating.

Someone else is at her side then and she recognizes Mei’s voice. 

She’s taking steps she has no conscious part in making, someone’s hand clutching hers, an arm around her shoulder holding her up. 

Winry blinks, struggling through the fog that surrounds her mind. Mei comes into focus, crouched just in front of her. 

She blinks again and the younger girl settles back on her heels in obvious relief. 

“Oh, thank God,” she says sincerely. “Are you okay? Winry?”

“I…” Winry swallows. Her hands are shaking and to hide them, she grasps her elbows tightly against her sides. 

She’s sure Mei hasn’t missed it though.

“Water?” she asks. She feels parched as a desert. “Please?”

“I’ll get it.”

Winry flinches again. She hadn’t even realized Alphonse was nearby. How did that happen?

She holds herself a little tighter. “Thank you.”

Al stops briefly. When he turns his eyes back to her, he looks pained. 

“No problem,” he says gently, a soft smile curling the corner of his lips. 

There are still nights Roy finds himself waking in a cold sweat, the memory of Riza pale on the ground, so much blood leaking from her neck, haunting him like a ghost. 

Those moments tend to take away his ability to breathe. Until he can remind himself that Riza is still at his side.

That she’ll always be at his side. 

It almost doesn’t matter.

He’ll never forget that bloodstained image, that moment when he realized the universe was finally punishing him for the horrors wrought in Ishval by taking the one person who mattered most from him. 

There’s a shakiness in Edward’s presence that he recognizes from himself. The terror of almost losing a loved one. Of being absolutely powerless to do anything to help them. 

He’s met Winry before. 

She’d been quite the little spitfire back then. 

He still remembers the look of utter loathing he’d received when she realized he had come to take her boys from her. Come to drag them into the same profession that had taken her parents away from her. 

“You want her brought back to Central?” Roy asks. 

He can do it. He has the weight behind him to make it happen. 

Ed crosses his arms and looks away, glaring in the distance.

“Yeah. There’s something else going on with her. You should talk to Alphonse and Mei about that,” he says. “But she can’t be here. I don’t want her anywhere near Winry. I won’t do that to her.”

“No. Of course not.” Roy doesn’t even try to imagine himself in Edward’s place. He’s been there. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Ed fiddles with the hem of his shirt, eyes on his shoes. “Thanks.”

“And you?” Riza breaks in seriously. “Edward, how are  _ you  _ doing?”

It’s a pointless question, Roy thinks habitually at first. His subordinate is… not okay. Even he can see that. 

There’s no real reason to ask. 

But he doesn’t think Riza Hawkeye has ever asked a pointless question in the entirety of her existence. 

And he realizes- this is a question that needs to be asked. 

“I… I think I messed up,” Ed answers honestly, tone breaking. 

If Roy had asked, he may have received an, “I’m  _ fine,  _ you bastard!” Even if he likes to think that their relationship had improved before Ed’s disappearance. 

Honestly, it’s probably habitual bickering between them at this point.

But he’s never seen Ed lie to Riza before. 

He actually looks his age and all it does is remind Roy that Ed is far too young for any of this. 

And that a chunk of this is his fault. 

Oh.  _ Oh. _

Roy exhales softly. 

“Why don’t we go inside, Fullmetal?” he suggests, as kindly as he can. “Then we can talk.”

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I am very excited to be bringing Roy and Riza into this story. Considering their own histories, I'm sure they'll bring an interesting perspective to everything that's happened.  
> As for the flashback- I debated with myself whether or not I wanted to include that. From my own experiences, flashbacks sometimes take readers out of the story and... I really didn't want to do that to you guys. Ultimately, I thought it would be an interesting contrast to how things are now to have a scene with Ed and Noah pre-betrayal. Which brings me to something else: the bedroom scene.  
> I've mentioned it before, but... my biggest problem with Noah is not the betrayal, although I do have problems with that. But I've liked characters who have done worse.  
> My problem is with the bedroom scene. It was creepy, violating and wrong and it was treated as none of those things.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to pack as much side fluff as I could reasonably fit into this chapter, because these children need it.

“General!” 

In spite of the situation- or because of it, perhaps- Alphonse sounds thrilled to see them.

Or tries to.

Roy doesn’t miss the way his voice is strained or his smile is forced. 

“Good to see you again, Alphonse.” 

It’s been a long time since Roy has seen Alphonse, but it’s good to see that, during his time away, the younger Elric has put on weight. 

He’s still thinner than Roy would like to see, but he’s no longer the walking skeleton he was when Edward had pulled him from the Gate. 

_ When did he start caring? _ is a question he could ask himself. But he knows that if he searches hard enough, he’ll find that he’s always cared.

He hesitates, wondering if he ought to hug him as well. With Edward, it had been… well, impulsive. 

Now he’s left floundering with what to do.

In the end, Alphonse makes the decision for him, flinging his arms around his neck. 

Roy coughs and stumbles back. “Um…” He carefully wraps one arm around Alphonse’s shoulders. “Well, I’m certainly glad to see you’re stronger, Alphonse.”

Riza pats him on the shoulder, offering a consoling smile before she slides past them both with the liquid grace of a cat and makes her way to Winry. 

Winry, who, he realizes with a guilty start, is sitting on the couch, a glass held delicately in her hands. 

“Miss Riza.” Winry smiles, making an effort to perk up, eyes brightening, and Riza takes a seat beside her. 

“I can imagine this must be difficult,” she says gently, resting a hand on Winry’s shoulder.

Roy notes that she looks pale, expression haggard. 

It’s hardly surprising considering what she’s been put through.

The last time he had seen her had been just after the fight with Father. Just after Ed had gone to the Gate for his brother’s body and hadn’t returned. 

That isn’t something he’s going to forget anytime soon. 

Roy’s fists clench down by his side, but he smiles anyways.

It feels like a mask.

“Hello, Winry,” he greets her, aiming for warmth. “Edward told me what happened. How are you feeling?”

A stupid question for sure. 

He knows she isn’t fine. 

“Oh.” A faint blush colors her cheeks and she hunches her shoulders. “I… I’ll be fine.” 

Not an  _ I’m fine, _ but  _ I will be fine. _

Roy believes her.

See, the thing he remembers most from the last time they spoke is the look in her eyes. The fire that outshined her tears. 

There had been no question of her resilience. 

He sees that same resilience now behind the weariness. 

It’s obvious why Edward loves her.

She has his same fire.

Winry offers him a tired smile that harbors no resentment. 

“Thank you.” She brushes her hair out of her face. “And not just for coming here. For everything. I know you did everything you could for Edward.”

“Of course.” 

He clears his throat, certain that he’s the last person she should be thanking, and is almost relieved when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

It’s Sig. 

The other man wordlessly inclines his head and Roy follows him away from the scene. 

Edward, he notices, lingers a moment longer before trailing after them. 

“I imagine this is about the young woman at the root of all this?” Roy asks. 

Sig nods, eyes hardset and lips thinned. 

“Yeah.” One of Ed’s hands clutches at his other elbow. He’s studiously examining his shoes. “Yeah, that’s what this is about.”

“She has no documentation,” Sig says. “Sentencing will be hard.” 

“Not if you have the right connections,” Roy points out. “As I’m sure you’re already aware.”

Ed’s flinch is barely noticeable, but Roy has been around the kid since he was twelve.

He likes to think he’s picked up on a few things by now. 

In spite of how personal this has become for him, he must not like the idea of anything that feels underhanded.

_ Good,  _ Roy thinks grimly. 

Sig must have noticed it too, given that he and his wife practically raised the boys after the death of their mother, but either he has tact enough not to mention it or they’re both equally inept at dealing with hurting children. 

Hesitantly, Roy reaches a hand out and claps it down on Ed’s shoulder. 

Ed tenses, but doesn’t pull away.

“Excuse me?”

Roy breaks the contact and turns to face the young girl who’s come up behind them.

“Mei Chang, isn’t it?” 

She nods.

“I… know you’re talking about Noah. I would like to help, if that’s alright with you.”

Roy’s eyes slide to Edward, who, for his part, doesn’t take his own off of Mei. 

“Go ahead, Mei.”

“Right.” Her face brightens and she takes a steady breath. “You already know- well, you don’t,” she amends, with an apologetic look in Roy’s direction, “about the chi and the rot, but...

“Hold on. Chi?” Roy holds up a hand, indicating a pause. “Rot? What are you talking about?”

Sig shifts beside him, crossing his arms, but he says nothing. 

Roy doesn’t know if the non-reaction means this isn’t news to him or something else, but he doesn’t ask.

“Oh. Um. Right.” Mei tilts her head, coloring faintly. She clasps her hands behind her back and rocks back on her heels. “The way I explained it before- it’s like a piece of fruit.” The color in her face brightens and Roy gets the feeling that it hasn’t become any easier to explain this since the last time. “If it’s bruised or blemished, you don’t always notice at first, because most of the damage is internal. I… Well, I’m pretty sure that that’s what happened to Noah. It’s her chi. When I talked to Edward, he mentioned doppelgangers. Alphonse and Winry in particular.”   
Ed nods. 

“That’s right,” he says and Roy doesn’t miss the way his voice catches. “But… not me. My doppelganger was already dead.”

“So you weren’t in the same world at the same time.”

“No.” Ed shakes his head.

Mei cuts in again with, “So… we were thinking it might be possible that there’s someone for Noah here in  _ our  _ world. And maybe the world isn’t reacting too well to… two Noahs?”

She trails off, tapping two fingers together, and looks at him uncertainly. 

Pleadingly.

Like she expects him to take what she just said and make sense of it all. 

Somehow.

And what Roy says is, “I’m sorry, what?”

Mei’s face falls just a tad. “I thought I was explaining it in a way that made sense.”

“Your explanation was fine, Mei,” Ed says. He jerks his thumb in Roy’s direction. “It’s  _ this  _ dumbass who doesn’t get it.”

“Hey!” Roy snaps, fingers curling, even though he should be relieved that they’re falling back into their usual patterns of banter. “Watch your mouth, Fullmetal! I’m still your superior!”

“Yeah, whatever,” Ed snarks back.

“Children,” Sig interrupts and, coming from the big man, the quiet interruption is far more effective than if he had snapped at them all. Ed seems startled enough and, while Roy  _ does  _ want to bristle at being lumped in with  _ children _ , he keeps quiet to let the other man speak, “we know what’s going on with Noah, but that still leaves us with the question of what to do about it.”

Right. That. 

“If there’s a possibility that she isn’t fully responsible, then that has to be taken into consideration as well,” Sig continues. 

“I don’t think this is taking away her… control.” Mei looks startled by the idea. “But it’s definitely not helping her in any way.”

“Right. So,” Roy feels the start of a headache beginning to overtake him. He rubs at his temple, “what are we going to do about it?”

“Alkahestry.” Mei looks them all in the eye in turn. “You do blood transplants here in Amestris, don’t you?” She spreads her hands apart, holding them palms up, like she’s presenting two items for inspection. “It would be the same concept, only with chi.”

“Who would be the donor?” Roy asks immediately.

“Me.” Mei taps her chest. “I would.”

“Hang on, Mei…” Ed cuts in quietly. “Are you sure? If something happens…”

“I know. I’ve thought about it. But I’m not sure I could do it right if it were someone other than me. I’m still not sure I can do it right.” She grins a little crookedly. “Ed, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

Ed relents, even though Roy is certain he still doesn’t like the idea. 

Now that he thinks about it-  _ really  _ thinks about it- Roy isn’t sure he likes the idea of it either. 

It’s obvious she isn’t sure how this is going to go. 

He wonders if there’s something he should say that hasn’t already been said. An objection to be brought up.

“Mei.” Ed breaks the silence, brows knit and lips pursed. “Can I talk to you? Privately?”

Mei tilts her head. “Yeah. Sure.”

* * *

With nothing more to discuss, at least not in their previous group setting, Roy moves to find Riza.

She’s exactly where he expected her to be.

With Winry and Alphonse. 

She notices him immediately, but doesn’t stand. 

Winry is leaning against her shoulder. She wiggles her fingers at him in greeting, but otherwise doesn’t move.

Al sits on her other side. 

“Have you decided?” she asks. 

“Yes,” he says. He can ask her to come away to a place where they can speak in private. He doesn’t. 

He goes to sit on the couch instead and Al scooches over to make room for him. 

“You said you decided?” Al asks. He’s trying hard to keep his voice light, but Roy can read the undercurrent of unease beneath all that. 

He considers dodging the question, but then he notices Winry watching him quietly. 

And above her, he catches Riza’s eyes. 

Her eyebrows draw downward in a silent warning. 

They’re a part of this too, he knows she’s telling him. They deserve to know.

She’s right.

As always.

Roy sighs and wonders if arguing with her is ever worth the effort.

If it’s even worth  _ thinking  _ about. 

* * *

Mei follows Ed outside onto the porch. 

“What’s wrong, Ed? I know this is bothering you, but…”

“Mei,” Ed tucks his hands in his pockets, tilting his head back to look up at the sky, “do you remember that time we had Scar stage Winry’s kidnapping?”

“Of course I do.”

It would be a little hard to forget  _ that  _ eventful time. 

And while Mei would love to say that she hit it off with Winry right away, that hadn’t been the case. 

There had been an obvious amount of tension between Winry and Scar. What the cause of it was, Mei hadn’t been sure. 

All that had mattered to her at that time was that Winry saw Scar as a bad person. 

“Well, afterwards, things pretty much went to hell. We had a fight with Kimblee.”

Something flutters in Mei’s chest. “Where is this going?”

“There was an entire cave in and when it was over, I… well, I was impaled on a piece of rebar.” 

Mei’s stomach does several flip flops. Even if she could bring herself to speak, she doesn’t know what she would say. 

She doesn’t ask how he survived because she knows he’ll bring it up. He wouldn’t be talking about this if it didn’t have some relevance to the situation they’re in now. 

“I healed myself.” His fingers go to his side, as if probing some old remembered wound. “With alchemy.” He slides his eyes over to her with a strange intensity. He looks not just concerned but  _ scared  _ for her in a way that has Mei feeling a little off-balanced. Because Ed has always cared with that strange, single-minded intensity of his for as long as she’s known him, but this is the first time she’s ever seen it directed at  _ her  _ with as much fierceness as he’s showing now. “But it took energy from my own soul.”

Mei’s stomach drops.

The fingers he has pressed against his stomach clench, digging into his shirt.

“I don’t know exactly what it did to me, using my soul like that,” he continues. “But the most likely possibility is that it shaved several years off of what would have been my normal lifespan. I just... want you to be careful, Mei, okay? The human soul… Playing around with that is exactly what got Al and I into this mess in the first place.”

Unconsciously, Mei finds herself glancing down at Ed’s leg, at the automail limb he still has. 

This time, when she speaks, it takes real effort to unstick her tongue from the roof of her mouth. “I’ll be careful,” she promises. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riza and Winry's relationship is... really important to me, okay? I love them both.
> 
> Also, I have known what was going on with Noah for a long while, yet explaining it has not gotten any easier. I struggle, therefore Mei struggles. I'm sorry. That's just the way this goes.
> 
> I have also told myself that I will wrap this story up before it hits 32 chapters. Yes, there's still a ways to go, but I was trying to be a little flexible. My estimates for how long something will be are never accurate. But as this is entering the final stage, it should be completed before we even reach that many.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me, guys!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delayed chapter. I had some family stuff going on, I was participating in Kacchako week over in the My Hero Academia fandom and... we lost power. It all added up.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who continues to read and review though! I appreciate you all!
> 
> Also, just to avoid confusion, the first scene does backtrack a bit and occurs before the last scene with Roy in the last chapter. I wanted to write a bit more of Riza, Al and Winry's interaction.

“I don’t want to hate her,” Winry says and the words taste vile rolling off her tongue and leaving her mouth. She wraps her arms around herself and hunches her shoulders. It feels awful, confessing to this, but she knows if she doesn’t get these feelings out in the air, they will eat her alive. “But I… tried so hard to be nice to her. But after this…”

Looking at Al is the hardest, so she keeps her eyes on Riza when she isn’t focused on her knees. 

“Am I wrong?” she asks, hugging herself a little tighter. “For thinking this?”

Is it wrong for her to hate Noah? Is it wrong for her to feel that she doesn’t want to? 

Noah stabbed her. Noah tried to  _ kill  _ her. 

And she… What did she  _ do? _

What could she have done, that Noah hated her so much?

_ You took everything from me. _

“I wasn’t trying to,” she whispers, holding herself a little tighter. “I thought I was helping.”

“Winry!” Al sounds so lost and so young and she hates that she’s the reason he has to sound that scared. “Don’t talk like that!”

“You aren’t wrong,” Riza says. She gives Winry’s elbow a gentle squeeze. “I think hate is the heart’s way of protecting itself.” Her voice sounds distant, like she’s lost in some memory. “You think hate keeps you from being hurt.” 

Winry feels Al shift closer to her, close enough to slip his hand in hers and give it a reassuring squeeze.

His grip is grounding. Winry feels a step further away from falling apart. 

“If you hate someone- or convince yourself that you do- then it hurts less when they hurt you.” 

“Oh,” Winry says softly. 

Is that it?   
She doesn’t think she… loved Noah. Not in the way she loves Alphonse or Mei and certainly not in the way she loves Edward, but… she had wanted her to be happy, hadn’t she? She had wanted to see the other woman as a friend.    
She had tried so hard to make her feel welcome, despite the obvious tension between her and Ed. 

Oh, Ed…

“Don’t tell, Ed,” she pleads softly. Her shoulders shake and she has to hurry to wipe away the tears as they form. “Please, just… don’t tell Ed. He’s already trying so hard and he blames himself for this. I know he does. If he knew I was feeling this way, it would only hurt him worse.”

“Ed really does shoulder the blame a lot, doesn’t he?” Al says. 

Winry nods numbly, feeling the tears rolling down her cheeks. She has the sense to be embarrassed by this. Crying will only make Alphonse feel worse about all of this. 

“S-sorry,” she stammers, with a hurried wipe at her face. 

“Shhh.” Someone’s arm reaches around her shoulders and she realizes that it’s Riza before the older woman has pulled her into an embrace. 

Winry lets her head fall against Riza’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay to cry,” Riza assures her. “It’s okay to hurt.”

And she does. 

She cries and when she’s done crying, she lets herself stay there. 

* * *

Sig pulls out a chair and sits across from Noah. The young woman looks the worse for wear, having sat at the kitchen table for the better part of last night and now this morning.

A vise grips his chest and he wonders how this could be the same woman who drove a pair of scissors into Winry’s side only hours ago. 

She looks so pitiful, with her hair uncombed and hanging limp past her shoulders, with her face pale and the dark shadows under her eyes. It’s hard to reconcile this image with the hardness that must have been required to plunge a pair of  _ scissors  _ into another living, breathing human being. 

“Here.” Sig pushes the glass of water he brought with him across the table to her. He half expects her to refuse it, but she wraps her fingers around it, drawing it to her without once lifting her eyes. 

“Thank you,” she says softly. 

Sig only nods with a grunt. 

“They figure there might be a way to help you,” he says and waits for her reaction.

She lifts her head. “Really?” There’s a quiet tremor to her voice, a hopeful note that has Sig’s heart feeling like it’s being squeezed.

“Yes.”

She lowers her eyes to her knees again, but Sig notes that her hands are clutching each other with a sort of white-knucked intensity. 

“Alright.”

* * *

“Mei,” Al says flatly, though Roy notices that the blood has drained out of his face. “Mei’s going to be the donor.”

Roy keeps his tone level when he answers. “That’s right.”

Several emotions play out across Al’s face. Roy can tell he’s struggling against himself. Between fear for Mei’s safety and an understanding that she’s the best choice for the job. 

Maybe even asking himself if Noah is even worth this risk.

Whatever the war within himself, Al closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “All right. Do you know when she plans to start? I should be with her in case anything goes wrong.”

“I’d imagine as soon as Noah’s cooperation is ensured.” He turns his eyes to Winry- they  _ are  _ talking about the woman who tried to murder her after all. “How are you with all of this?”

“Well…” Winry keeps her hands folded and doesn’t look up, “if there’s a way to help her, then… I think she deserves that much. Don’t you?”

“That’s a noble way of looking at it,” Roy concedes. “But is that really how you feel about it?”

“Hey.” Alphonse looks up. “What are you…?”

Roy doesn’t answer him, crouching instead so that he’s eye level with Winry. 

Winry lifts her head and stares at him, eyes wide. “I…” She hesitates.

“You shouldn’t have to suppress your own feelings,” Roy says, “because you think they may hurt someone else.”

Winry is quiet for a moment, thinking it over. 

“That’s how I want to feel,” she admits. She wraps her arms around herself. “But… I don’t know.”

She falls silent, but glances at him apologetically and… a little apprehensively. 

“I’m sorry. I know you probably expected me to have more to say, but…”

“No.” Roy holds out a hand to stop her. “It’s fine. You don’t have to go any further.”

“I think what you’re feeling right now is pretty normal, Winry,” Al says. 

He wraps an arm around her and Riza pulls away so that he may take her place. 

* * *

“General Mustang told me what you intended.”

Al sits on the floor next to Mei.

She sits cross legged, chewing on a pencil. Several leafs of paper are scattered on the floor in front of her.

“And?” Mei momentarily stops chewing her pencil to look up at him, brows furrowed in consternation. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s a good plan.”

Mei goes back to chewing her pencil and looking over the papers with a quiet nod.

“But I’m worried, Mei,” Al continues. “I… I trust you. I trust your skills. But you’ve never tried anything like this before.”

A stab of terror pierces Al’s heart as he wonders if this comes too close to crossing the boundaries of human transmutation. 

Is Noah worth this? Is she really worth this?

Is the woman who tried to murder Winry really worth this risk to Mei?

“Brother and I already faced the consequences for messing with the human soul. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.” 

“Ed already told me the same thing.” Mei looks at him pleadingly and Al forces himself to breathe.

_ It’s not. It’s not human transmutation. Truth won’t… _

He lets the thought derail. 

It’s not worth letting it take him wherever it planned to go. 

“I know… I know there are risks. But if I don’t do this, I don’t know what will happen to her. She could die.” 

She drops her gaze and angles away from him, breath hitching.

“I’m sorry. After what she did- it must hurt you to see me so concerned for her.”

“Not at all,” Al hastens to reassure her in spite of his own misgivings. “You’re a good person, Mei. You try to see the best in everyone.”

“Maybe there really is no best here.”

She takes the pencil away from her mouth to sketch some more on the paper. 

Al leans over her shoulder to get a look at them. 

“You’re sketching out possible passages for a chi transfer,” he says.

“Yes.” Mei scrutinizes the pages. “I just wanted to feel a little more sure about what I was doing, but I don’t think there’s any more I can do to prepare.”

She shuffles the papers together and picks them up off the floor. 

Al offers her a hand to help her stand and she accepts. 

* * *

“I don’t know if this will hurt,” Mei says honestly. “It shouldn’t, but… I’ve never done anything like this before.”

She waits to give the woman across from her a chance to speak, but Noah is silent. 

She watches Mei though with intelligent eyes and Mei accepts that as a sign to continue.

“At most, we’ll probably only be feeling slight discomfort.”

She slides a look towards Alphonse. 

He nods and gives her an encouraging smile.

Mei takes a deep breath.

It’s time to begin. 


	20. Chapter 20

It’s like something is twisting her insides. 

Mei gasps and folds over herself. 

It doesn’t hurt, but it’s uncomfortable. 

“I’m okay,” she whispers when she senses Alphonse hovering at her side.

Across from her, Noah pants, face twisted in discomfort and hand resting on her stomach.

Evidently, she had the same feeling. 

“Mei…”

Mei waves him off.

“I’m fine,” she assures. “Nothing went wrong. It just felt… unusual.”

She can tell that he’s still worried, but he backs off and gives her her space. 

Mei places shaky hands back on the ground, waiting for Noah to regain her composure. 

“Wait!” Alphonse cuts in. 

Mei stops herself from activating the transmutation. 

“Alphonse?”

“Maybe I should do the transmutation.”

That pulls her up short.

“I mean… patients never do their own blood transfusions. A doctor does,” he points out. “Not that I’m a doctor or that I think I’m the best one suited for this, but… maybe you shouldn’t have to be the one doing the transfusion  _ and  _ the donor.”

She had intended for Alphonse to be the bystander, for him to watch her in case something went wrong.

But that… that makes a lot of sense. 

“Alright.” She sits back on her haunches and lets Alphonse move forward. 

“Wait, hang on!” 

Alphonse pauses and Mei scrambles forward. 

“What are you…?” Noah asks. 

Mei grabs both her hands, holding tight when Noah tries to pull them back.

“I’m sorry,” Mei says. She hadn’t given Noah any warning beforehand. “But this may help make the transmutation smoother.”

Noah’s hands go slack as she doesn’t quite return the grip, but she doesn’t pull away from Mei either.

It’s a start. 

After a moment, Noah’s grip becomes more firm.

Mei wonders at that before she remembers what Noah can do. She’s drawn on Mei’s thoughts and feelings. 

There must have been some part of her that doubted Mei before this. 

“I’m ready,” Noah says softly.

It’s been so long since Mei heard Noah speak that her voice takes her by surprise, but she nods.

“Okay.” She takes a deep breath and prepares herself. She raises her head and looks Noah in the eyes. “Alphonse…”

Alphonse places both hands alongside the array.

What follows is the most unsettling experience of Mei’s life. 

In an instant, they’re both awash with an unearthly blue light. Every hair stands on end and she shuts her eyes. 

She’s pretty sure she hears Noah whimper softly and she tightens her hands around the older woman’s. 

There’s a sensation inside her- not painful, just… uncomfortable- and Mei wonders if that’s what it feels to have her soul separated from her body. 

That’s alarming.

Mei’s eyes fly open with a tiny gasp. 

A sour taste fills her mouth.

Should she… should she ask him to stop?

There’s a pressure building in her chest and suddenly Mei feels like she can no longer talk. 

And then it stops.

“Mei!”

Alphonse is at her side immediately, one hand resting on her back. 

She allows him to take her other hand and he helps her to sit up.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Mei gasps out. Her hand reaches up to prod her chest. She still feels whole, but it’s like all the breath has been sucked from her body.

Breathing is harder than it should be.

“Don’t talk,” Alphonse advises her. “Just breathe.” 

His attention turns to Noah, who is panting on her knees.

“Are you okay?”

A moment passes before she answers, but she does nod. “Yes.”

“Did it work?” Mei asks quietly, when it feels like she can breathe again. 

“I don’t know,” Alphonse answers honestly. “Noah, do you feel any different?”

Noah’s face contorts in confusion and she passes a hand over her torso, feeling herself. 

“I can’t tell,” she says and there’s something desperate in her voice. 

“Let me,” Mei says. She doesn’t think she has the energy to stand after that, so she simply scoots closer to Noah. 

After all, she  _ is  _ the one who noticed that there was something off with Noah’s chi. Theoretically, she should be able to notice if it’s gone back to normal.

She’s tired now though. So maybe it will be harder. 

But- when she closes her eyes and lets herself  _ feel, _ she realizes that it  _ is  _ different. 

Not entirely so. 

But it’s different. 

The rot has been pushed back. It’s receding. At least a little bit. 

Will it stay that way? Has it stopped entirely? 

Is what she did enough?

Mei’s not sure. It might be too early to tell, but at least she seems to have halted its progress for now.

“I… I think it did,” she says. 

Alphonse helps her regain her feet, assisting her to the couch, before going and doing the same for Noah.

Noah is more reluctant to take his hand, Mei notices, but she does in the end. 

“It really worked?” Noah asks quietly, once she’s seated on the couch, like she’s afraid to truly hope for anything. 

“I think so,” Mei repeats and honestly wishes she could give a better answer.

_ I think so _ isn’t generally what people want to hear when talking about their health.

“At the very least, the problem seems to have receded.” 

* * *

“Are you okay?”

Ed scans her, even though any harm she would have incurred during the process would likely have been internal.

Then she remembers his automail and it hits her tired brain with an electric jolt.

Missing limbs.

He wants to ensure she didn’t pay the price he did. 

“I’m okay, Ed,” she assures him and notices that he looks only marginally relieved. She sighs, softening. “Really, Ed. I’m fine.”

Ed breathes, running a hand through his hair. 

“Can’t blame a guy for worrying,” he grunts. He eyes her again. “And Noah?”

“I think it worked, Ed.” Mei grins, positively giddy with the possibility of her success. “I mean… I can’t be sure it’s  _ worked  _ until I’m sure it won’t… it won’t come back, but… I really think it worked!”

She beams at him. 

“So then… she can leave?” There’s a hard set to the line of Ed’s mouth.

Mei’s smile drops, but she remembers.

This isn’t about the thrill of success or the satisfaction of having helped someone else for him.

Noah hurt someone he loves. Hurt her badly. 

Mei can’t let herself forget the blood. She’s sure Ed never will.

He wants her gone. He has every reason to want her gone. 

“Um… Well, yes. Provided everything goes smoothly. Is there… is there a place she can go?”

Ed drops heavily into a seat, letting his hands dangle between his knees. Head down, gold bangs hang over his eyes. 

“Mustang thinks Ishval might be a good place,” he says softly. “They’re good people there. She could start over.”

Mei pulls up a chair and sits beside him. 

“Do you think it’s a good idea?” she asks. 

He raises his head to peer at her.

“I mean, you said  _ Mustang  _ thought it might be a good place. You didn’t say how you felt. What do you think?”

Ed sighs. 

“I don’t want her around Winry,” he confesses. “But it’s best that she… finds herself among people who can understand her. And help her. I agree with Mustang.”

Mei nods thoughtfully and the silence is allowed to grow between them.

Ed breaks it when he asks, “Where is she anyways?”

“Resting.” And Mei is reminded with a twinge of guilt that that is what she is supposed to be doing as well. “The… well, the transmutation was kind of exhausting.” She forces a grin to lighten the mood and, by extension, Ed’s spirits, but Ed isn’t having any of it. 

“Then what are you sitting here talking to me for? Shouldn’t you be  _ resting?”  _ He glares at her. “Does Alphonse know you’re here?”

“I told him I was just getting some water,” she says and she makes a show of getting up and helping herself to a glass of water. She holds it out for Ed’s inspection. “See?” 

Ed is decidedly unimpressed. “Yeah, I see, smartass. How about you go and get some rest now?”

Mei flaps a hand at him, downing the rest of her water.

“I’m a princess. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

Ed snorts. “Whatever. Go get some sleep, little bean girl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final few chapters! Which is... leaving me feeling a little conflicted, because I'm always excited to complete a work, but also... after working on this one for almost a year, I'm really, really attached to it.  
> (I'm marking it as 22 because that's my guestimate, but there's no guarantee.)
> 
> And at this point, it really feels like the characters are the ones taking charge of the story. Not me.
> 
> To the best of my memory, "little bean girl" was something Ed called Mei several times in the manga. I thought it was absolutely adorable and pulled that nickname for here. Actually, there was some more banter between the two of them, but it didn't seem to fit right with the fic, so it was cut. We may get some more of that before the end though!
> 
> You absolutely cannot convince me that, with how much Mei and Ed antagonize each other, they did not come to see each other as siblings eventually.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this might actually be the second to last chapter if everything goes according to plan.
> 
> Thank you... so much to everyone who has been following this story since it began or who jumped on board somewhere along the way- the response to this story was certainly more than I imagined it would be and your support has meant everything to me.

Is she any different? 

Noah searches herself carefully, but, truth be told, she’s not sure what she’s looking for. 

She keeps her legs crossed and taps a finger against her knee. 

She’s very deliberately ignoring Alphonse, who sits on the other side of the couch.

That seems to be just fine with him though and so they fall into some sort of uneasy silence. 

Alphonse finally shifts. “Do you…?” he begins.

“I don’t feel any different,” she interrupts, surprising even herself.

What had she expected?

That she would feel at peace? 

That Edward would simply disappear from her thoughts?

Because he hasn’t.

There’s a piece of her that still aches for him to be at her side. That still loathes Winry for taking her place there instead.

Her eyes burn and she quickly shuts them before the tears have the chance to fall. 

“Oh.” Alphonse squirms a little. He folds his hands and looks down at the ground. “Mei said that… what was wrong with your chi seems to have receded.”

Noah stares at him. 

“Maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say,” he finishes, a little awkwardly. “But, Noah, if Mei is right, you really could be…” he fumbles for the right word and falls short for several brief seconds. 

Noah thinks he’s done, but he finishes it off with, “Maybe things will actually turn out okay.”

She clenches her hands and tries to ignore the way her chest feels far too tight.

“Listen,” Alphonse continues, voice soft. “Maybe I don’t know everything that happened while Ed was in your world, but I do know that Brother would have tried his best to help you. No matter what you did.”

There’s a pain in the back of her throat now. Noah swallows, but it does nothing to alleviate the feeling. Her hands are starting to feel clammy and she grips at the fabric of her skirt to keep them from shaking.

_ Stop talking. _

She wants to tell him to stop talking but her tongue cleaves to the roof of her mouth and forming words would require a strength of will she just doesn’t have at this moment. 

“I know this is hard for you to hear..” The look he gives her is pained and Noah is torn between the want to scream at him and the want to tear her own hair out.

What gives him the right to look at her like that?

“But what you did to Winry?” There’s a shaky inhalation of breath from Alphonse and Noah isn’t ready to hear this.

She’s not. 

She wants him to stop talking. To get up and leave.

But she can’t speak and her own silence is what dooms her.

“That…” She doesn’t miss that this is hard for him to say, which makes it doubly hard for her to listen to. “Whatever trust he had in you is gone now and I can’t blame him.”

It would have been more painful if he had just twisted a knife in her gut. 

She claps a hand over her mouth barely in time to stifle the strangled gasp that wants to rise from her throat. The burning sensation behind her eyes increases and her eyelids flutter shut against the tears that threaten to spill. 

“I don’t know if you can earn it back.” He’s still speaking. Why is he still speaking? Doesn’t he know she wants him to stop? “But you can move forward.”

_ Move forward. _

How is she supposed to move forward after this?

Noah can no longer hold back her tears.

* * *

“Winry?” Ed stops in his tracks at the sight that greets him in the kitchen. “What are you doing?”

Winry raises her head with a somewhat guilty laugh.

“Come on, Ed,” she says. “You can’t expect me to just sit around doing nothing. I thought I’d make an apple pie. Just to lighten the mood.”

She smiles, but seeing her like that- trying too hard to brighten everyone’s spirits no matter the cost to herself- makes something in his gut twist.

“I’m supposed to be the idiot, Winry.” He shakes his head and moves to stand beside her on the other side of the countertop. “Where’s Hawkeye, anyways?”

He glances around the kitchen, like she might pop up at any moment.

Winry has stopped moving and that alone gives Ed pause.

“She’s with Mr. Mustang.” He doesn’t think she’s called him that in… years, but what would he know? He’s been gone for two of them. “One of the neighbors brought some apples from their orchard and I thought I’d make a pie.” When she stops again, he catches the hitch in her breathing.

“Winry…” he whispers, fingers twitching. 

“So, please, Ed, just…”   
He reaches out, grabbing her by the shoulder and pulling her against his chest. Almost immediately, her head comes to rest on his shoulder, arms encircling his torso. 

“I really am the idiot, huh, Winry?” he says ruefully. “I made you cry again.”

Why does this keep happening? His clumsy attempts at looking out for her seem to only result in causing more pain ultimately. 

“No. No, that’s not it.” She shakes her head, still pressed up against his shoulder. “I can’t sit around doing nothing! Especially not after…” She stops herself and pulls away from embrace, looking up at Ed with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m sorry. I know you’re worried, but sometimes I… wish you wouldn’t be…”

“Winry…” Ed repeats, biting down on his bottom lip. His chest constricts and it’s suddenly harder to pull in air. “I…”

“I just want to be able… do things, even if it’s just making an apple pie, on my own without people treating me like I’ll break.”

Ed drops his head to her shoulder. Her hand comes up to rest in his hair. 

“Winry, I’m sorry,” he whispers. He holds her a little tighter, overwhelmed by his own emotions. 

Everything he’s done has blown up in his face lately.

There has to have been something he could have done better.

Should he have left Noah behind? 

No, regardless of everything else that has happened, he’s certain that that was the right choice.

Had there been a warning sign that he missed? He tries to think back, tries to remember everything Noah had done.

Had there been something that gave it away? An indication of what she had been planning? Had she even planned it at all or had attempting Winry’s murder been a spur of the moment decision?

Noah had been so quiet and he had still been angry, so angry and heartbroken and emotionally exhausted after everything that had happened in her world. 

He had missed it. He had let his emotions, his grudge, cloud his judgement and Winry had suffered for it.

She’s still suffering for it.

“I’m so  _ sorry,  _ Winry.” His breathing is coming in short, little gasps. 

What has he done? He almost got Winry killed. 

And for a moment, all he can see is her blood on the floor and he remembers her counterpart, bleeding out from a gunshot wound, her blood pooling beneath her. 

At some point, they slide to the floor together and just hold on. 

Ed can’t bear the thought of ever letting her go- not after watching her counterpart die in his arms. Not after thinking the same would happen to her. 

He holds her, breathing in her scent, feeling her breath against his neck and just appreciating the fact that she is  _ here  _ for him to hold.

Ed scooches back till his back is against the counter and lets Winry tuck herself against his side.

It feels like they’re both quiet for far too long, before Winry finally speaks. 

“You can’t blame yourself for everything, alchemy freak.”   
“You can’t call me that anymore,” Ed says, a little tiredly. “No alchemy, remember?”

“You’re always gonna be an alchemy freak, alchemy freak.”

Ed grins playfully. “Alright then, fine, you gearhead.”

“I mean it. Stop blaming yourself.”

His grin slips off his face.

“This isn’t right,” Ed whispers.

Winry lifts her head, searching his face. “What?”

“This. I can’t… keep losing my head every time I try to help you. It’s not fair to you.”

Winry curls back up against his side. Her hand slips inside his and he squeezes her back.

“Everything that happened before this… you can’t just turn that off to help me,” she says. “Please don’t try.

* * *

Mei keeps Noah under observation for several more days.

Just in case the rot comes back.

It appears her original assessment was correct- the rot is not coming back. 

Once that is established, the plan of action is solidified.

Noah will be leaving for Ishval with General Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it was really important to me to establish in this chapter that not everything that was wrong with Noah was the fault of moving over to another world and having her chi screwed up. That certainly exacerbated things and I'll leave it up to you guys to decide whether or not you think that was why she chose to stab Winry or not.
> 
> Now that Mei has taken care of one problem, it will allow Noah to start the process of healing and coming to terms with herself and her actions without that particular obstacle standing in her way.
> 
> Also, there was a request for the extended banter cut from last chapter between Mei and Ed. Unfortunately, I did delete it, but I was able to retrieve a portion of it. I'm thinking of releasing a follow up one-shot to this story and that will most certainly be incorporated into the next story.


	22. Chapter 22

Ed wakes to sunlight streaming through the window. Maybe it’s the sleep still fogging his brain, but the light seems to be casting a golden sheen across the room. 

Winry is snuggled against his front, arms wrapped around his waist. Her head is tucked in under his chin, face pressed into his neck. 

For a moment, he just lays there with her, breathing in the scent of her hair. 

It’s so peaceful. 

He wants to slip back into sleep, just stay here forever, with her by his side. 

It’s so warm here. 

The darkness makes its move to entrap him, eyes fluttering shut.

His eyes snap back open.

_ Mustang! _

He and Hawkeye are leaving today. 

It might not be indefinite this time around- they have the freedom to go and see them whenever they please- but he didn’t get to say good-bye to… anyone really the last time around.

He’s not letting that happen a second time.

Especially not after everything they’ve done for him. 

He carefully disentangles himself from Winry.

“Winry?” Hand on her shoulder, he gently shakes her awake. He hates to wake her, but she’ll want to give her own good-bye to Mustang and Hawkeye and, well, honestly, he’d rather not face her wrath if she realized he  _ hadn’t  _ woken her in time to see them off. 

She groans, arching her back and stretching. “What is it, Ed?”

“It’s morning,” he says, whispering even though there’s no need to. It almost seems criminal to disrupt the peaceful silence of the morning. “They’re leaving.”

Her eyes fly open and she blinks mutely at the ceiling for a moment. 

“Oh. We need to get up then.”

Ed chuckles fondly, gripping her hand. “Yeah, genius. Let’s get up.”

“Don’t laugh at me.” Winry closes her eyes again. “I’m still waking up.”

“Whatever you say.” Ed brushes a couple loose strands of hair away from her face. He’s letting himself get distracted again and he pushes himself upright. He’s still wearing his clothes from yesterday, he realizes. He and Winry both actually. He runs the palm of his hand down his front, doing his best to smooth out some of the wrinkles, then lets it be. 

Winry grabs his hand. “Help me up?”

Ed gently pulls her upright. “You big baby,” he teases, but it’s softer. 

He still can’t forget her blood. 

No. 

He pushes the memory away. He won’t let it sully this morning. 

“Come on. Let’s go.”

* * *

The morning of the departure brings a cloudless sky, the sun shining brightly down on all of them.

A songbird trills from the fence that runs alongside the dirt road.

Al takes a moment to suck in the fresh air. 

Even now, he still feels the urge to run laughing along the grass, the way he and Ed did when they were younger.

Something holds him back. 

“Are you sure you don’t need us to stay?” Riza asks, pausing beside him. 

Mustang stands several yards away, conversing with the driver who will be taking them back.

“Yes,” Al assures her with a smile. It will be hard, moving forward, but they’ll manage. He and Mei aren’t planning on going back to Xing for at least another month. They’ve already made the necessary arrangements with Ling, although technically, Al thinks, it’s  _ Emperor  _ Ling now. 

Although he had attempted the formalities earlier on, Ling had insisted on no such thing. Just the opposite in fact.

It was something of a relief anyways. 

No matter how high he had risen in station, Ling would always be just Ling to him. 

“I appreciate the offer,” he continues, “but I think we’ll be fine. Mei and I will be here for at least another month.”

“Well, then,” Riza says, “if you’re sure.”

“I am sure. Thanks.”

“Mustang!” 

His brother’s abrupt shout startles him, but Al turns around with a grin. 

Ed stands in the doorway. His hair is still in its braid, but various strands poke up here and there.

“Brother!” Al raises a hand in greeting. “You’re up!”

“Yeah, I’m up.” Ed runs a hand over his head, but the unruly tufts of hair stay put. 

Winry appears on the threshold beside him. 

Al brightens. “Winry!”

“Fullmetal!” Mustang pulls himself away from his conversation with the cab driver long enough to shout his greeting. “Good to see you’ve finally poked your head out of your hole!”

Ed crosses his arms, glaring darkly. “Yeah, yeah. Good to see you too, you bastard.”

Winry smacks his arm. “Ed!”

“Ow, hey! What was that for?”

“You know what!”

Riza sighs, though her eyes are fond. The corner of her mouth quirks up. “Oh, those two…” 

Al grins. “I think it’s kind of cute actually.”

* * *

Noah wraps her shawl around her shoulders. 

There’s no need for it- the weather is warm- but it leaves her feeling protected anyways.

She catches sight of herself in the mirror and is instantly struck by how pale she is. She brushes a finger against her cheek, then flips her hair over her shoulders, running her fingers through it in an attempt to make it look more passable. 

Her eyes are hollow. Lifeless. 

Noah tries to smile, but it falls flat. Fingers shaking, she touches the corner of her lips, then drops her hands down to her side, curling her fingers into fists. 

After a moment, she lifts her head, finding her eyes in the mirror again, and presses two fingers against her breastbone. 

Again, she wonders if Mei is correct. She’s not sure what she’s supposed to be feeling. 

She takes a final look around her- a portion of her memories here are painful, yes, but this place… it had been the closest thing to a home she had had in a long while.

Mei is waiting for her when she finally exits the bathroom.

“Well…” Her smile is strained when she holds out Noah’s satchel. “Are you ready?”

She’s not, but she follows Mei anyways.

* * *

There’s no hug this time between Ed and Roy. 

Just a clasping of hands. 

“Thank you,” Ed says, with feeling. “For everything. You know.”

Roy returns it. 

“Yeah, Ed. I know.”

Ed retrieves his hand, massaging the back of his neck. 

“You’re still a bastard, you know,” he says, “but don’t be a stranger.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Winry is next in line and she wraps her arms around his neck. 

It takes Roy by surprise, but he returns her hug.

She takes a deep breath. “Thank you both so much.”

* * *

Outside, everyone is already gathered and, at first, Noah shies away from facing any of them. 

Mei eases past her, catching her by the elbow and bringing her along. 

She keeps her head down, unable to face any of them. 

“Noah!” It’s Winry and Noah jerks her head up on instinct. 

Winry stands, one arm clutching at her elbow. 

“Hey.” She tries to smile, but it comes out a little crooked, and she gives up almost immediately. “I wanted to tell you… good luck.”

_ Good luck? _

Noah swallows thickly and finds she can’t speak.

* * *

The trip is long.

Made through unfamiliar territory and in the company of strangers, Noah can’t say she finds it particularly comfortable. 

She hunkers down at one end of the wagon and looks anywhere but at her two companions. 

Neither one of them has made much of an attempt to converse with her and Noah is just fine with that. 

She keeps her arms wrapped about herself, staring out in the distance.

It truly is beautiful here, with all its greens and blues. Its fields of yellow flowers and the clouds of sheep. 

Leaving it feels like she’s losing a piece of herself, which confuses her because she hadn’t realized that she’d started thinking of this place as home. 

Even the wagon ride is relatively comfortable, all things considered, but Noah can’t appreciate that. 

Her life is being uprooted once more and, this time, she has only herself to blame. She can’t get Alphonse’s words to leave her mind. 

Her fingers curl in the fabric of her skirt even though she would like nothing more than to press them against her ears in an effort to block out the younger Elric brother. 

“Are you alright?” It’s the man’s voice that startles her out of her thoughts and she looks up.

“I’m fine,” she says, tone clipped in an effort to keep her voice from breaking. 

“If you say so…” The man- Mustang- uncrosses his legs with a sigh.

No further attempt to break the silence is made. 

Maybe it’s better that way.

_ Good luck. _

Winry’s final words to her play over in her mind. 

Had she really meant that? After everything?

Noah can’t process it. 

What is she supposed to make of it?

* * *

“I was told you didn’t have many personal effects.” It’s the woman who breaks the silence next. Riza Hawkeye, if Noah is remembering correctly. 

“That’s true,” Noah says softly, keeping her eyes down. She has more than she had when she first arrived here. Some garments were purchased with the money she had made assisting the Cutlers. Others, she had been surprised to find when she had gone through her satchel, had belonged to Winry.

At Noah’s questioning look, Winry had bitten her lip. 

“Keep them,” she’d said quietly and, though she had been unable to make eye contact, the words had not been spoken with disdain. “I don’t need them anymore.”

She had no idea what to do with this kindness. 

“I can help you with getting the necessities,” Riza offers. “And anything else you might need after that.”

“Alright.” Noah keeps her head ducked down. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” 

The silence stretches on before them like the road. 

That’s all they’ve said anything about. 

Personal effects. Living quarters.

She’s learned a little about Ishval. About the Ishvalan people and a little about their history.

That sort of thing.

No one talks about what she’s done. 

Noah finally dares to look at them. 

Neither one looks back at her. 

Mustang has his arms crossed, head turned, looking out the side at the passing scenery. Riza is perusing a variety of papers in her hands.

Government reports or some other such thing. 

Noah bunches the fabric of her skirt between her fingers and bites her lip. The urge to touch one of them overtakes her for a moment, but she wrestles it down. 

She can’t fathom why they’ve kept silent. Why they hide their contempt, where others would hardly bother to do so. 

“Noah.”

She’s grown so used to the silence that Mustang’s voice startles a small shriek from her. 

Embarrassed, she colors and ducks her head again. Further embarrassed by her reaction, she raises her head. 

Neither one of them appears fazed by her reaction.

She doesn’t know if that makes it better or worse.

“I want you to take my hand.”

For a moment, Noah stares at him, completely baffled by his request.

Hawkeye seems just as surprised.

“Sir?”

“It’s alright, Hawkeye.” He waves off her concern without taking his eyes off of Noah.

Did she hear him wrong? Why would he ask her to take his hand?

Briefly, she entertains the possibility that he is like her. But that’s ridiculous. Is there something he wants her to read instead?

That seems to be true, but Noah can’t imagine what it might be.

Mustang holds his hand out to her.

A moment and a stunned heartbeat later and Noah takes it. His hand is warm, calloused. 

Noah closes her eyes in concentration. She has no idea what she’s searching for, so she just probes for what sticks out the most. What feelings are the strongest in his mind.

And then she finds them.

Fire. Corpses. 

Wounded and dead lying in the streets. 

Noah yanks her hand back with a gasp. She clutches it to her chest, staring at him in horror. 

What… what had he done? 

“I’m sorry for that. I could have told you, but I thought it might be better if I simply showed you.”

“What…” Noah can barely breathe enough to force the words out past her tongue. A tremor runs up her spine and traverses down her arms. Gooseflesh prickles her skin. “What was the point?”

_ What are you trying to tell me? _

Mustang sighs. The regret, the- something else- something  _ stronger- _ is painted on his face clear as day.

Whatever he’s done in his past, he’s not proud of it. 

“The point?” He crosses his arms, expression distant. “I’ve done terrible things in my past. We both have.” His eyes find Hawkeye. “We’ve accepted the consequences that will come for our actions and we’ve found a way to make peace. There’s no turning back from what you’ve done, but… you don’t have to let this stop you from moving forward.”

_ Moving forward. _

Noah lets herself cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... can't believe this is actually the end. Thank you so much to everyone who's stuck with me throughout this endeavor. I hope the journey was worthwhile.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a possible sequel to Unrequited, meaning that, in order for this to take place, the events of Unrequited also have to already have taken place. That being said, as this is a darker version of Noah than I typically see her, this may not be what necessarily transpires after that story. I may change my mind on that later.  
> This is a mashup of both the 2003 anime and Brotherhood. As such, it does contain elements of both. I apologize for Izumi's death, but I believe that was how her story ended in the anime of 2003. My reasoning for that is that I didn't want Ed's homecoming to be 100% a happy one. He's been gone for two years. Things happen. I'm sorry if it seemed there wasn't much going on between Sig and Edward- the story was told from Noah's point of view and so there would only be a limited amount of things she would see. I do plan (probably, maybe, at some point) to write a separate, companion piece with more details and more angst. And then some Izumi/Elric brother fluff to make up for killing her off in this universe.  
> Certain things haven't been expanded on, like Sig Curtis' presence at the Rockbell home (I have a headcanon that, in this universe, Winry and the Curtises became close after Ed disappeared) and Ed going over an array. Again, this is because of the limited point of view. Noah doesn't know everything, nor is everything going to be explained to her. While I think Ed is going to try to do everything he can to help her get on her feet, I doesn't completely trust her in this universe. She betrayed him (and all of Amestris by default, in the movie) and I just don't see Ed as coming to trust someone without them earning it first. Noah hasn't earned that. Whether she does or not will be up to her.  
> I did do a lot of research into obsessive love disorder for the purpose of this fic. However, I'm still not sure how accurate this will be. I'm sure some things are a bit stretched for the purpose of plot. But since the disorder is a psychological matter and it's a lot harder to squeeze psychological disorders into a box, I hope you'll forgive me.  
> I already made my thoughts on Noah pretty clear in the updated Note at the end of Unrequited-I thought she was selfish and entitled and I don't understand the purpose of her supposed relationship with Ed at all. I think she could have been an interesting character, but I ended up being too disgusted with her ultimate betrayal to care. She is, however, an interesting character to write.


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